to think that being a MIL is not a bed of roses

[loverofwine]

I am mum of x4 boys. No Granny No 1 for me (tho DS1 is only 7 so a way off yet).

Yet still I wonder when they have all flocked the nest and coupled off (if they do) what the future holds.

Strikes me that being a MIL is hard work. Damned if you do damned if you don't.

My MIL is a nightmare but then my family account for 80% of her grandchildren so she likes to be very involved.

Just wonder what I need to be doing to psychologically prepare myself for the day I get a DDIL and how to love her/make her love me.

thoughts on a postcard pls

You sound very much like you think that you have all the skills needed or will do by he time your 2 year old has his own baby.

I'm not that arrogant and hopefully who ever my children end up marrying won't be either.

Opinions on family support is what me and my MIL struggle with. We've grown up in very different families - me with no extended family or help/support and her with lots of extended family and her dc's spending the weekend with various aunts, uncles and friends on a regular basis. It's taken her a long time to realise I'm a very different type of parent and do things very differently.

So why do you think that your future dil should be at your house tucked up in your bed then?

You have openly said you would manipulate her into doing so and that if she thinks she does not need your help then she's probably going to be on antidepressants and come crashing down in a big heap.

But you appear to think your help would stop this yet you aren't arrogant and don't think you know everything

Perhaps she will have experience with babies and children perhaps she will have better skills than you do perhaps having someone who thinks they know better hovering around would drive her crazy.

Manipulate ? What a strange way to view things. Having read on here tonight about parents in law not being allowed to buy flats for their children, not allowed to visit hospitals to meet newborns it's hardly any surprise plenty think fuck it we're going cruzing instead is it ?
My children are being raised to put family first and they will either embrace that or not as will their partners but the lines of communication between my children and I will be such that it won't be a massive surprise to the in laws that u expect to be close to them and the grandchildren. If they don't like it there's plenty of time to discuss or get used to it on either side.

Find this whole thread weird

I have a great relationship with my mil
(In fact she rang as I was reading this)
And she's not a subservient type. In fact she's definitely a matriarch
But it works
It works because I am nice to her, she is nice to me, I understand she is my Dhs mother, she understands that I am my children's mother. It's like any other relationship, a bit of give and take.
I hope to be the same with my dils (3 sons) but it also depends in them and having read many a thread on mn these toxic relationships seem to 6 of dils and half a dozen of mils.
We will wait and see

Presenting something you wish another person to do but they may not,in such a light that its to good not to.

Is manipulation.

Putting family first is a fine line when one member wants something that at that time may be the complete oppersit of what another needs or wants.

Given that lots of mums leave hospital under 24 hours after delivery sometime about 6 hours some would be horrified at visits.

I have a MIL from hell but happily we kind of get on pretty well now. At the beginning though it was hell as DH is her only child and she couldn't let go. Her life was lived purely through him. At 21 he wasn't allowed to sleep out for example as she was scared alone-she was married and had a huge guard type dog! She tried to get far too involved with DC while ignoring and being hugely rude to me and my entire friends and family. Luckily I am forgiving and over the many years we have somehow learned to get on pretty good. She has backed off a lot and makes an effort with me now. I think many nightmare MILs only want the grandkids and son and not DIL. MIL wanted to be 'close' (her idea was daily prolonged contact with her doing all the firsts with DD1) to her GC but while treating me like poop-how is that gonna happen? She didn't let DH even see his Dad or grandparents!

loverofwine

I have a certain sympathy with you having 4 boys because, all things considered, your grandchildren will probably be closer to their other grandparents (as long as your dil's have good parental relationships/grandparents are alive/live fairly nearby).

Of course there are exceptions to the rule but I think it's natural really for most woman, given a choice, to prefer her own mum to look after her kids, if eg they want to go away somewhere/need someone to come into the home and help out for a while.

For that reason I think mums of sons ought to work harder at their DIL relationships. DILs can fairly easily control the access you have to your grandchildren. Not totally, but to a large extent they can do that, even without appearing to.

You can choose to call it what you like, people have free will I'm not proposing to tie anyone to the bed posts.
I left hospital with DD3 after 6 hours people often do with subsequent children by which time everyone knows where they stand I'd imagine.
There's give and take in every relationship, DIL's that push away their husbands family or even their own without good readon set themselves up for future disappointment from what I've witnessed. If that's what you want sock good luck to you but don't presume my children will in 30 years time they are rather fond of their mother as it happens.

At least on the bright side there will be a plethora of perfect MIL's in about 20-30 years time...!

Don't send emails to your son and their fiancee telling them that they should not get married and listing all the things wrong with their fiancee would be a good start. Don't include all the things that she does wrong as a parent (despite never having met her DCs for more than 1/2 an hour)and all the bad points about her personality and definitely don't say that she is a "lazy good for nothing who will never do anybody any good at all"

other than that, whatever you like as long as you are nice :)

oh heck, just remember the MIL that never became my MIL is on Mumsnet, wonder if she will recognise herself?!

LOL stinkyminkymoo. True.

The best thing you can do starts now - bring up your sons to cook, wash up, tidy their rooms, put their dirty clothes in the wash basket, iron (when old enough), take the rubbish out, tidy up after themselves and clean WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

If you don't your DIL will inherit a man who thinks these things are women's work, and who will never help unless asked (he will called it nagged) and expect praise for every job. She may love him unconditionally but she will resent you for instilling this attitude in him and it will lead to a strained relationship.

I love my MIL but she has brought up three lazy arse kids (daughter included) who would no more lift a finger in the house than climb Everest. I think she is a doormat. she thinks I expect too much from DH. I don't, I just expect him not to be an utter slob.

Mosman,

You sound quite over-bearing and don't have a lot of respect for other people's preferences or boundaries ("will I stay away after the birth - will I hell!").

I think you are a MIL-from-hell in the making.

I suspect you intimidate people into doing things "my way or the highway"

I suspect that some people in RL may disagree with you but are too frightened to voice that

I'm with my MIL today and when I told her it was my aim to raise boys who could cook, clean, do laundry etc themselves she just sneered.
I also (deliberately) brought along my most left wing Xmas reading to while away the afternoon annoy the old bag No wonder we disagree on so many things.

I don't intend to be brilliant MIL when and if time comes but hope to have raised great DS's for which any DiL will be happy.

That and take up a lot of fun hobbies so my life doesn't revolve around grandchildren!

All of that probably will make you a brilliant MIL by default, loverofwine. You sound like you have the right idea with your boys.

Well said fishlaar, sock and Worcester, I agree with everything you have said. The best thing we can do as mums is to bring our children up to be independent and give ourselves a pat on the back if they turn out to be good partners/husbands and dads.
I particularly like your reminder that we are their grandparents, not their mums re grandchildren. Until I joined mumsnet I had no idea that anyone had ever ever invited anyone other than the baby's father to watch them give birth!!!!!!!! What on earth is that all about?

Zavi, no doubt I am over something's that are very important and being part of my children's lives is very important.

I'm marrying my DP next year. We've been together 10 years so I know my future DMIL very well. We get on great generally but do have quite different ways of doing with things. I have learnt from watching others around me and I don't ever want to make my future DH life difficult by moaning about his mother or make his mother uncomfortable. She is very much a part of my family and I love her very much. I want her to be a part of our future children's lives so much. However it does make me nervous that I think we will have very different views on raising children and I hope we don't have big failings out about my future children as there are things that inevitAblly we are going to do quite differently, just because of the fact that her life when she had my future DH and his younger siblings is very different from what my will be. At the back of my mind I always want to keep that she has the best intentions and not ever upset or offend her. I hope that I'll feel the same 5 years down the line when I hope we will have one or two children!

I'm marrying my DP next year. We've been together 10 years so I know my future DMIL very well. We get on great generally but do have quite different ways of doing with things. I have learnt from watching others around me and I don't ever want to make my future DH life difficult by moaning about his mother or make his mother uncomfortable. She is very much a part of my family and I love her very much. I want her to be a part of our future children's lives so much. However it does make me nervous that I think we will have very different views on raising children and I hope we don't have big failings out about my future children as there are things that inevitAblly we are going to do quite differently, just because of the fact that her life when she had my future DH and his younger siblings is very different from what my will be. At the back of my mind I always want to keep that she has the best intentions and not ever upset or offend her. I hope that I'll feel the same 5 years down the line when I hope we will have one or two children!

Greenplastictrees, child rearing has changed in the past 12 years since I had my first, if your MILtobe has an ounce of common sense she'll follow your lead and do things your way first, that's fairly standard behaviour from grannies who are generally bloody terrified of getting it wrong given that it's not their baby. I wouldn't be worrying about it, you've lots of exciting times ahead, enjoy.

I agree that you sound very overbearing Mosman, especially regarding wanting/ manipulating your future DIL to stay at yours after having a baby - words fail me! I remember watching 'Bread' when I was younger and I would not have wanted Ma Boswell as a MIL!

I get on well with my MIL - I have known her for over 15 years now, and she and FIL have always been welcoming, friendly, and caring. I am also grateful that she raised DH to be independent and capable of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and ironing!

However I suspect it helps that we live about 200 miles away and only see them occasionally! FIL can be a bit overbearing and over-involved in our lives, in the sense that he often treats us as if we're still teenagers. So treating your sons and their partners as though they are adults is key.

The problem is I think that it's easy to forget how you felt when having and raising small children.
I love dil but was a typical know all granny when dgs was born.
I then had another baby myself and was reminded of a few basics such as what you do doesn't necessarily make them good sleepers or that leaving them to cry wasn't easy.
Dil loves to remind me of this when advising me on childcare.