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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being a MIL is not a bed of roses

143 replies

loverofwine · 27/12/2012 20:03

I am mum of x4 boys. No Granny No 1 for me (tho DS1 is only 7 so a way off yet).

Yet still I wonder when they have all flocked the nest and coupled off (if they do) what the future holds.

Strikes me that being a MIL is hard work. Damned if you do damned if you don't.

My MIL is a nightmare but then my family account for 80% of her grandchildren so she likes to be very involved.

Just wonder what I need to be doing to psychologically prepare myself for the day I get a DDIL and how to love her/make her love me.

thoughts on a postcard pls

OP posts:
tiggytape · 28/12/2012 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mosman · 28/12/2012 11:49

Inertia My children, husband and I belong to a shite extended family, emotionally abusive utter arseholes and as a result our 6 person unit is very very strong, anyone that marries into that will feel like they've joined the firm.
Ma Boswell is my role model.
I personally have no desire to be at the birth of anyone, I've had the best seat in the house four times and am done with all that. But will I be invited as and when it suits to see my grandchildren, will I fuck.

NaturalBaby · 28/12/2012 11:57

I only have boys as well and have been pondering my relationship with my MIL - it comes down to control for me. I had 3 under 3's so am a huge control freak at the moment, so things have been very tense at times between my and my MIL who also seems to have control issues.

I just hope my boys each find a partner who is a genuinely nice person and treats them well - because I've pushed my DH to the limit on too many occasions and don't want my boys to have to put up with the same!

Mosman · 28/12/2012 12:04

You see I would have thought two control freaks together would have made light work of three under three, shame you couldn't have worked as a team I'm sure looking back everyone would have benefited.
I had three under three and would have bloody loved some help under my watchful eye

forgetmenots · 28/12/2012 12:14

mosman I totally hear you, your family has had to learn to be strong and defend itself against outside crap. Be careful though, that future partners don't get perceived as threats and your strong unit then prevents anyone coming in. My MIL is really abusive, no question, but one of the subsequent issues was the recurrent idea that anyone 'marrying in' had to leave their own opinions and traditions at the door or else they weren't 'part of it'. This then became very nasty for all concerned. I'm sure given your experiences you'll guard against it, but a truly strong unit changes and adapts - you can be a control freak who occasionally deigns to give a little bit of slack Wink

AdoraJingleBells · 28/12/2012 12:15

Mosman

But control freaks don't work together. While I can fully understand why Natutal needs to be a control freak at this point in time, a true control freak doesn't really work with anyone, ever. That would be relinquishing control. That is also, sometimes, a part of why MIL/DIL relationships don't work, but it doesn't apply to all of them.

Mosman · 28/12/2012 12:28

Hey I'm not stupid I will completely embrace any new traditions and respect any new cultures creeds whatever the children introduce into the family but equally I'll expect the same respect to be shown to ours.
I can imagine two control freaks would clash but equally I am hoping for a DIL that leans more towards being a control freak, it's a lazy, chilled, slap dash one that would drive me crackers Wink

forgetmenots · 28/12/2012 12:31

Not saying you're stupid at all! Just a friendly warning from an exhausted DIL! :)

ModreB · 28/12/2012 12:40

I am not (yet) a MIL, but it looks like I will be in the not too distant future. I try to be friendly and interested in DS's partners, but not overbearing.

I don't pass judgement on their lives or how they live them.

I will give an opinion only when asked, and do not get offended when they disagree with my opinion.

If they need support, I offer it but leave it to them whether they take up the offer or not.

Basically, I do the exact opposite to my MIL and DM.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/12/2012 12:49

Mosman,

If you turned up at the hospital or at my house with in a few days of my getting home without being invited and disturbed those first few days.

Hospital you would be asked by the staff to leave, home, well you would be extreamily unlikely to be welcomed. It would probably end up setting the tone for our entire future relationship.

Just the same as if my own mother did it

Mosman · 28/12/2012 12:50

Sockpuppet I would never have you as a DIL or a daughter, as mine will be tucked up in bed at my house Grin

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/12/2012 12:52

But what if she didnt want to be?

What if she wanted to be in her own home with her child and her husband and have a few undisturbed peaceful settling in days?

Mosman · 28/12/2012 12:57

It'll be presented in such a marvellous way that she'd be a fool not to accept, i've done it the other way and it's massively overrated.
Nobody's going to force anyone to do anything that they don't want to in life, but there's more than one way to skin a cat.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/12/2012 12:58

But why?

thegreylady · 28/12/2012 13:02

Interesting re childbirth :)
Dsd-i-l1 was the first to have a child and it was a couple of months before we visited [about 300miles and they lived in a small flat].
Next was my dd-i-l who is Turkish and begged me to come over for 6 weeks spanning before and after the birth.At the hospital as well as dh and me were her parents,sister,aunts,uncles,cousins and grandparents!!
The baby was handed to me before my son which was embarrassing and the surgeon[cs] asked if I accepted the child.
Dsd-i-l again next and again it was a while for me as I was still in Turkey.Dh was there though.
Then dsd-i-l2 who wanted us at her house until the birth both times and finally my own dd who wanted me at the hospital [not in the labour room] for dgs1 .For her second I had a broken leg so they called on the way home from the hospital.
Different folks etc....

Mosman · 28/12/2012 13:05

But why not ?
If you aren't in a family of emotionally abusive dickheads why do it the hard way, why not enjoy the advantages of having your mother or MIL help you out in exchange for the odd snuggle of your newborn ?
People who inist on it just being the two of us settling in etc are usually the same ones popping the antidepressants and complaining the grandparents don't give a shit in 12 months times. People need support at the birth of their children in most cases. I know I would have loved it.

Mosman · 28/12/2012 13:07

I also will not be the type of MIL who waits until the GF/DIL is up the duff before I show any sort of affection for her, those types get all they deserve too.

storynanny · 28/12/2012 13:17

Well said Modre.
Everyone's differentxx

Crinkle77 · 28/12/2012 13:19

i am not married to my partner but my sort of MIL is great. The only problem is she is too friendly. No that sounds weird but she is always trying to feed me, give me cups of tea and generally clucking about. She is a bit like Mrs Doyle in father ted but I wouldn't have it any other way. I had a boyfriend in the past whose mother hated me and I don't know why as I was always friendly and polite so it's relief to have one that is kind

forgetmenots · 28/12/2012 13:35

True, mosman, the people who suddenly decide a gf or DIL is part of the family once thy are pregnant are not to be trusted - friend of mine was excluded then fussed over for nine months, only to be re-excluded once her mil had the grandchild to fuss over. She found it all a bit bewildering and a bit sad but she's accepted mil is never going to see her as family.

crinkle77 your mil sounds like my aunt, she would drive me mad but I would have her type as my mil any day!

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2012 13:42

Mosman, you are starting to scare me!

Fishlaar · 28/12/2012 14:14

I have two basic rules that, so far, seem to be working well. Smile

My DC are adults so treat them as such.

With regards to my GS never forget that I am his gran and not his mum.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/12/2012 14:24

Or they could just be people who don't actually need any help that there husband is unable to offer

Or if they do they may prefer that help to come from professional paid sources

They may look at families that are in each others pockets at those times as being the emotionally weird dependant ones.

Family support is great but only if the person getting the support actually considers it to be supportive instead of overbearing and unwanted, if its the latter its manipulative and putting your needs over someone who at that time should have there needs prioritised, if its the former then wonderful. But not everybody feels the same way about emotive stuff like this.

Every family is different and as your family grows via your children having children it ceases to be about how you want to do things as they become the head of there own families. If you have done your job correctly then they will have all the skills they need they will also know that they can ask for you if needed.

Mosman · 28/12/2012 14:28

Well we'll see what we get and cross that bridge when we get there given that DS is 2 I've plenty of time to consider the matter.

Mosman · 28/12/2012 14:30

But nobody has all he skills they need all the time and again the ones hat think they have usually come crashing down in a big heap, seen it time and time again.

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