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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need a hand!

31 replies

LalyRawr · 27/12/2012 16:35

Ok, so this isn't an AIBU but I need help and you guys are generally the most helpful in my opinion.

My SIL is about to have an emergency c section after a horrible 48 hour labour with numerous complications. I know that c sections are harder to recover from than vaginal births, so my question is what can I do to help her?

I already have gifts for the baby, but is there something I can get her to help her heal quicker/feel better? Would it be completely weird/stalkerish of me to let myself into their house (have spare key) to clean up so it's nice and fresh when they get home in a couple of days? Or to make some meals and freeze them for BIL to heat up?

I want to help, but don't want to be seen as interfering.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 27/12/2012 16:39

oh that would be lovely to come home to a lovely tidy house and meals in the freezer after having a baby (section or not!) i would appreciate that. i suppose it depends how well you get on?

Wingedharpy · 27/12/2012 16:41

I think the meal idea is lovely and would probably be much appreciated.
Letting yourself into their house without their permission could be a bit much and may be open to being is-interpretted (ie. Laly thinks we live in a cesspit!).
I would speak to BIL though and ask if you can go in and make the house comfortable for her for when she returns home with new baby.
What a lovely SIL you are.

DrRanj · 27/12/2012 16:42

Your ideas sound lovely. The last thing I wanted to do post section was cook and clean.

Signet2012 · 27/12/2012 16:43

If you are able to pop round when she is home especially the weeks after dp Is back at work. Run the Hoover round carry anything upstairs etc. if you are on good enough terms.

ImperialSantaKnickers · 27/12/2012 16:43

Is the key so that if they've lost/forgotten theirs, they can come to you to borrow it back, like I have my sister's keys and she's got a set of mine? If so, might be best to ask if they'd like that before going round to do it. Obviously you can't speak to them right now... but BIL should be out of theatre soon, and able to check texts.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 27/12/2012 16:45

yes just check with BIL first, although my dad has my key and i wouldn't mind at all if he or dmum/dsis went in while i was in hospital to tidy without asking. depends on relationship though.

Whistlingwaves · 27/12/2012 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LalyRawr · 27/12/2012 16:46

Thank you, I'll text BIL before going to the house, oh and on regards to meals, she is planning on BF, is there anything she isn't allowed to have/is very good to have?

We do get on very well & I would like to keep it that way, which is why I'm checking :p

OP posts:
DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou · 27/12/2012 16:47

Tidy and cook, and put together some food for her to have in hospital as well - nibbly things with lots of vitamins, to counteract the stodgy no vitamin stiff you get in hospital.

If they only have a changing station upstairs, make up a basket of changing stuff for downstairs including spare babygros.

And maybe a pile of DVDs for while she's stuck on the sofa recovering?

cheekybaubles · 27/12/2012 16:47

You sound brilliant! Wish someone had done that for me.
Anything you can do will be appreciated, trust me. You lovely person.

Heartbeep · 27/12/2012 16:49

a shower caddy for the shower to save her bending down to pick things up if they don't already have one.

what a lovely SIL you are!

MyLittleAprilSunshine · 27/12/2012 16:51

What an amazing SIL you must be. If my partners family was that caring I'd be filled with tears of joy!

I love the meal idea and ask BIL if he thinks the cleaning would go down well too.

As far as breastfeeding is concerned roughly the same rules apply as to when pregnant so nothing with too high mercury, limit the foods that can carry listeria etc.

I bet she feels really lucky to have you! :)

phantomnamechanger · 27/12/2012 16:51

When I came from hosp with DD2 i was mortified to find the in laws (who had been at our home with DD1) frantically hoovering the house, and FIL tidying up our bedroom! I would never dream of entering another adults bedroom without their express permission.

This to me was just too much an invasion of privacy and smacked of judgemental (in my head only, ILs are lovely and have never said or implied anything). Them having a meal ready was very much welcomed though!

It depends how close you are to SIL I would say, and how similar your housekeeping standards are! If your house is generally immaculate, and theirs less so, on no account should you clean BEFORE they know - once she is home and you are visiting , by all means then ask if they would like any help eg a quick hoover.

CarpeJugulum · 27/12/2012 16:52

Bunch of flowers ready done in a vase for her to see when she gets home (or a nice flowering pot plant if you want to be more enduring!).

Meals are a wonderful idea - something that can be eaten while holding a squirming newborn is good - think spag Bol not lasagna!

Good luck!

SugaricePlumFairy · 27/12/2012 16:53

Meals and someone there to help cook them as she won't be able to lify heavy stuff in the early days.

Ironing done for her.

V shaped pillow to rest against.

Original poster
LalyRawr · 27/12/2012 16:53

Thanks for all the ideas! I wouldn't have thought of the shower caddy thing.

phantom that is exactly why I posted! I want to make her feel better, not violated xx

OP posts:
Heartbeep · 27/12/2012 17:59

shower caddy - think i picked mine up in sainsbos for a fiver, best fiver ever spent. if you can't get one, some shower gel with a hook would be helpful.

BitofSparklingPerry · 27/12/2012 18:04

I would hate someone to let themselves into my house. I have a horror that the ILs might do it one day. Please don't! I know you are trying to be nice, but she has been poked and prodded enough, her house should be a refuge.

But yes to meals etc. also she might like company to help her get out of the house. I know I got stir crazy.

CatsRule · 28/12/2012 00:43

I didn't have a cs but I was permanently bfeeding in the beginning so the one thing I really appreciated was being left alone to be mum, cuddle my snuggly newborn and mainly feed while my lovely wee mum cleaned and cooked for us.

That kind of help, for me, was amazing and I appreciated it much more than overbearing visits, balloons and even the far to many to know where to start with presents! (that I had later casted up in my face how good some people were so in short hand over the baby...far more important than his feeding needs...but that is another story). Maybe you could filter visitors and be guard until your sil has had time to recover.

Help will be fantastic if given in the form that your sil needs...I guess only she can tell you that.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 28/12/2012 00:58

Meals they can freeze for sure.

Then make a commitment to pop round once a week and do specific things. For example, I couldn't change my bed sheets because I couldn't lift my mattress up. I CBA hoovering. And it was hard to hoist my pulley up. So there will be specific things that you can help with, and if she knows you'll be there to help with them she won't try and do them herself.

TalkativeJim · 28/12/2012 01:22

On NO account let yourself into their house!!

I've lost count of the number of threads I've read where this sort of thing- cleaning, rearranging stuff, taking over the kitchen to 'help out' has caused the most incredible bad feeling.

Having a baby is a very personal thing as well as a happy family event, and you don't know how someone is going to feel - she may feel supported by extra family 'presence', or she may feel invaded and pressured to spend time with you/ her inlaws when actually she's been through a traumatic time and wants to come to her home, with her husband, and be private for a while.

You sound lovely, and my advice would be to do nothing until you see her. See how she feels. You'll soon know whether an offer to come round and help out with the washing will be welcomed, or whether the vibes say clearly - we need time alone. If its the latter, I promise you that if you smile, take her hand and say 'I know you all need time to yourselves right now, don't think I'll be offended if you hibernate for a bit!' -she will love you forever.

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2012 02:02

I would like to think that if in you sisters position,someone as lovely as you did all that for me,I would see it for the truly lovely and caring act it is.

It really does sound a wonderful idea OP. hope you sister and her baby recover well x (I'm so not an x person but you totally deserve one)

Fakebook · 28/12/2012 07:12

You sound brilliant, hope your sil appreciates it. ( unlike mine who sent my chicken soup back because it had salt in it Hmm)

Yes with the food.
Apricots and other dried fruits and nuts; leave them by her bedside so she can graze whenever she wants. They'll help with her bowels so she doesn't need to strain.
Arnica drops helped me heal quickly, I thoroughly recommend them.
Lansinoh cream for her nipples.
She shouldn't have to avoid certain foods to breastfeed, but personally I found drinking orange juice made my DS gassy. Tell her to keep drinking lots of water to stay hydrated.

Oh and congratulations btw, your dn is lucky to have a lovely aunt like you!

Original poster
LalyRawr · 28/12/2012 08:31

Fakebook with the arnica drops, what is she meant to do with them? Like put them in a bath or apply it to herself etc?

& thanks for the congrats!

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 28/12/2012 08:50

Only you know how close your relationship is - personally I'd have gone batshit crazy to find another woman (other than my own mother OR my VBF) faffing about - but I'm well aware I display some very OCD/ASD traits.

talkativejim has given the best advice.

You refer to them as BIL and SIL, implying this is your husbands sister rather than your brothers wife. Unless I had a very close relationship with you I would think you were way overstepping boundaries. (re piles of DVDs, foodstuffs, rearranging changing stations between floors) New mothers want to adopt their own routines.