Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to feel like a charity case because I'm single?? (light-hearted)

33 replies

ibelieveinyouandme · 27/12/2012 16:05

No bil I really don't appreciate you asking me in front of the entire family over Christmas dinner whether I have a boyfriend yet.

It sometimes feels like I could climb Everest and cure cancer but my life still wouldn't be complete because I don't have a boyfriend.

Had a first date not long ago, friends were there when I met him so asked me if we had arranged a date and I told them yes and what day it was.

Three of them sent me good luck texts ... now that's very sweet but ... I so also find it ever so slightly patronising.

aibu?

OP posts:

StuffezLaBouche · 27/12/2012 16:10

Oh god, I get this. They genuinely don't seem to realise that I LIKE being single. I've bought a kitten recently and there's been some thinly veiled jokes and sneers about being a mad cat spinster and the kitten being some kind of man replacement.
Only solution is just not to discuss these things with them at all. Luckily I'm 200miles away from my lot so this isn't too hard...

Crinkle77 · 27/12/2012 16:12

I find that Sarah Beeny website really annoying. Think it's mysinglefriend.com. It's completely patronising cos it assumes that everyone who is single is sad and desperate or a relationship

Celticlassie · 27/12/2012 16:14

'You just have to put yourself out there a bit more!'

slatternlymother · 27/12/2012 16:16

Well that's just it with your kind OP, you don't know what you want.

Now come here and let me organise your entire life.

CailinDana · 27/12/2012 16:23

YANBU. I don't get on with my older sister but my heart absolutely broke for her at my wedding when stupid relatives kept saying "It'll be you next, don't worry," to her in a totally patronising, pitying way. It was awful and I have to say I admire how she kept her cool - I would have gone apeshit. What's really annoying is that it only seems to happen to women, people seem to think that men are single by choice and that it's a legitimate way of life for them. But a single woman is seen as somehow lacking and sad. I think it contributes a lot to the way women seem to hang on and on and on to utterly shit relationships - because the prospect of being single seems somehow worse than being treated like crap by a horrible man.

CailinDana · 27/12/2012 16:24

To add, plenty of my male cousins are single but none of them were given the "it'll be you next" bollocks.

TurnipCake · 27/12/2012 16:26

I get this from my family it doesn't matter that I have a good job, great friends and family, travel lots and live by the sea, in their narrative, I'm happy but won't be really happy and daresay complete (eugh) until I have a partner. Although they backed off a lot after the last idiot I went out with...

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 27/12/2012 16:28

I get this a lot. I've been single for nearly seven years and on the whole I quite like it. However no-one believes me when I say I'm not bothered about meeting anyone - I'm sure they think I say it just to try and save face. I've had friends try to set me up with their husband's friends (no thanks) and often get the Faux Sympathetic Head Tilt when it's revealed that I'm single. You know, the one usually accompanied by some patronising shit like 'Aww, you'll meet someone when you least expect it' or ''Aww, there's someone for everyone you know'. The best thing is, the ones who say these things and try to set me up tend to be those who are constantly moaning about their own relationship/partner. It's almost like they want everyone to be tied to some dickhead loser like they are (disclaimer: I know that not all men are dickhead losers).

I hate how society views those who are single - especially women - as some sort of desperate, socially inept pariahs and assumes there must be something wrong with us or we'd have been snapped up years ago .

Original poster

ibelieveinyouandme · 27/12/2012 16:28

I think it contributes a lot to the way women seem to hang on and on and on to utterly shit relationships - because the prospect of being single seems somehow worse than being treated like crap by a horrible man

I know so many of these, my friend was with a guy for three years and was constantly going on and on about a girl he was friends with, how he kept texting her, how he saw her on valentines day etc

They broke up so many times I lost count, and we would always get an official text that they had broken up only to find out they'd got back together soon after.

One time one of my friends even text back saying "for good this time?" And was made out to be an uncaring bitch.

Basically she only got back with him so many times was because even she added herself that she was scared of being single.

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 27/12/2012 16:30

Cross-posted with loads of others - seem we all feel the same about it .

AlwaysReadyForABlether · 27/12/2012 16:32

Someone expressed surprise that I put up a Christmas tree because I'm single. The same person said how nice it is that I treat myself to things like Sky TV when it's just me in the house!

slatternlymother · 27/12/2012 16:34

always what a bunch of cunts. That's terrible, that. How fucking patronising

Original poster

ibelieveinyouandme · 27/12/2012 16:34

AlwaysReadyForABlethe

OP posts:

TurnipCake · 27/12/2012 16:38

Gosh, always, we're they expecting you to pack up and go to the poor house?

Original poster

ibelieveinyouandme · 27/12/2012 16:40

If any of you read 'Love It' magazine please can you send my photo in to the "Date my Mate" section.

I'd feel so proud

OP posts:

AlmostAHipster · 27/12/2012 16:41

WTAF, Always!! That's so completely outrageous, I would have either laughed in their face or torn them a new bum hole.

My friends like telling me that every pot has a lid. What tosh!

wherearemysocka · 27/12/2012 16:43

I got so frustrated by 'When are you going to get a boyfriend, then?'

I always wanted to respond 'well, I had pencilled in next Tuesday but I've got a dentist appointment then, alternatively I could do Thursday evening but I'd have to wait in for the Sainsburys delivery first...'

I found weddings were the worst. You either get stuck on the kids' table or deliberately placed next to the only single man (nudge nudge, wink wink).

If it's any consolation, when you do get a boyfriend you'll be harassed about when you're getting married. Then you get married and you're harassed about when the kids are coming. Have one child and it's 'only children are sooo spoilt and selfish' and God help you if the next one is of the same gender as the first...

Smile and nod, smile and nod...

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 27/12/2012 16:44

Always in the past I've had similar comments about cooking. Things like 'Oh, do you cook a proper meal just for yourself?', usually accompanied by this face when I say I do. I mean, what do you expect me to do? Starve to fucking death?

It's worth noting here that I have a DS and am a single parent, which usually gets me extra Faux Sympathetic Head Tilts and extra-patronising comments that one day I'll meet someone who can be a daddy to him . How I refrain from telling them to fuck off, I'll never know.

Flatbread · 27/12/2012 16:45

My sister is 44 and single and she gets this all the time! Never mind that she is very successful, has a great life and loads of friends.

Plus, although she has paid household help, my mum always feels sorry for her and sends her meals and dad takes care of calling the electrician/plumber because DSis has 'no one'. I don't think she minds that bit, though

TurnipCake · 27/12/2012 16:49

I had dinner with some relatives yesterday. Both cousins my age were going on about their respective boyfriends; one about all the farting he did that morning and the other about the smell his poo made around the house. I think I can stand to take their looks of pity for a little while longer

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 27/12/2012 16:49

I get the bed to myself, I get control of the remote when one of the DC hasn't got it, I get to choose what to eat, when to eat it. I mn when I want to. What's not to like?

lurkerspeaks · 27/12/2012 16:51

Me too. Bloody hate it.

Went to a mulled wine party the other week. It was hell on earth - lentil weaving, attachment parenting friend was the host. Our friendship is only just surviving as our lives are very divergent at present (and I think her parenting ideas are bonkers).

Obv. the folk who were there (mostly people from NCT/ Playgroup etc) subscribed to her views. I immediately boobed by indicating that I'd been out doing my food shopping in Waitrose this was wrong because it was obviously boastful - they all live in straitened circumstances as WOHM are to be looked down upon, despite the fact that in most of the families present the mothers are the ones who have significantly greater earning capacity yet is no longer working, the second problem with waitrose is that it isn't a whole series of local shops as obviously one needs to support the green grocer, wine merchant and butcher. This would be nice but my local bijou shopping street only has a butchers which i do support.

As I obviously had little in common with the women and I was bored of playing snakes and ladders with the kids I migrated into the kitchen (and the wine). This is where the Dads had congregated. Within minutes of me being in there all the woman were hustling their husbands out suspiciously as obviously a single woman couldn't be trusted not to flirt outrageously/ attempt to lure their husbands away.

It was pathetic. Another friends boyfriend who was there (who is known for his complete lack of observational skills) even commented upon it.

As an aside - I'm not known for shameless husband hustling and am generally known as a safe bet for husband entertaining e.g. I'm going on holiday yet another friends husband and 7 year old over half term as she can't/doesn't want to do the sporting activity we have planned. Another friend regularly tells her husband to ring me when he is in my town on business as she knows that if he sees me he will 1) eat dinner 2) have a few glasses of wine and 3)get back to his hotel at a reasonable time in comparison to what would happen if he went out with colleagues (no dinner, lots and lots of beer and late night dancing!)

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 27/12/2012 17:00

Oh, and I recently had 'You need to meet a nice man to look after you'. As a 40 year old grown woman I can look after myself thank you very much.

I'm sure these people must think we all sit at home weeping into our ready meal for one every night.

TurnipCake · 27/12/2012 17:01

Oh lurker that sounds unpleasant. I've yet to be treated as a husband/boyfriend poacher but I would feel quite upset by that.

Lavenderhoney · 27/12/2012 17:02

Omg I used to hate all this too! And at Christmas "you can't be alone, it's not right..." funnily enough I enjoyed not having to drive 2-3 hours, sleep on a camp bed in the lounge, have to watch crap tv, eat massive dinner, not drink wine in case ther are any sidelong glances. and then drive 2-3 hrs back or not drink at all and leave early:)

Worst was a friends boyfriend who used to chant " tick tock" at me. She used to laugh. And when I suggested girls only catch up she refused:(

My dm and df couldn't understand why I wanted to have my own home which I saved and bought myself. In their eyes I should have stayed home til married. No way!

Last wedding I was at as a single I got really dressed up, left the spares table early and made for the bar. had a great time and was chatted up by a rather famous footballer 20 years my junior:) much to the annoyance of all the younger female guests who in front of me said " she's much older than you" and " it look weird"

Owing to my age and wisdom I smiled and said " have some champagne ladies, come and chat as well" which seemed to make them crosser.

Although my step aunt did get in a bitchy " all on your own again dear? I was married at 18"

I offered her some too:) tally ho!

Am married with dc now, so my dsis commenting I should leave all my money to her dc as I had no one isn't happening. Or that I don't need a garden as I don't have dc...

Flip

1 2