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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to have yelled at dh

63 replies

ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 10:27

So dh was still in bed at 10am and he would get up.

I've been up with ds since half 6!

I have done everything these past few days and he won't even get uppity ds so I can get washed and dresses. Ds is washed and dressed - I did that and he's 6

I'm so annoyed but apparently I'm in the wrong that I shouted!
And maybe slammed a door.

Why can't he see that his behaviour is driving me away and he complains I don't want to spend time with him but would rather fall asleep - yes dear I fall asleep as I am feckin shattered as do everything and you do feck all

I kmoe it's partly my fault but really is it all my fault?

Will be huffed with for the rest of he day now as a result.

OP posts:

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 27/12/2012 15:21

The thing with boundaries is that they are really easy to maintain once you have them (excepting abusive relationships). They are really difficult to put in place. You need to be like a broken record with DS and DH for a while. It could take ages. "I'll play with you in 5 minutes", over and over. "Your turn to get up with DS", over and over. Don't sigh and do it anyway, just stick to your guns.

They are both spoilt and you have spoilt them. That's great, because it means that it is in your power to change it. Don't shout, just talk calmly.

Original poster

ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 16:39

I think that is the key to be clam and assertive and not to raise tensions or do anything hen tensions are high

Isn't it?

OP posts:

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 27/12/2012 17:08

You cant blame your OH for behaving/having behaved liked this in the past as you have allowed the situation to develop and so he is accustomed to not needing to taking things on, as a reasonable, responsible adult would.

I dunno, I think a sizeable chunk of the blame rests with him. Maybe OP has 'allowed the situation to develop' but so has he - I know I couldn't sit about while somebody else does all the work without feeling really bad, neither could any other decent, capable adult I know.

Same goes for the comment a page or so back about it being his mum's fault. He's an adult. He's capable of getting up off his arse and pulling his weight. He chooses not to.

Yes OP, shouting and slamming doors is not great but you know that. If it was me I'd leave him with DS and take some time out to do something nice for yourself, then come back and discuss it when you're refreshed. Be really clear about what you expect and don't back down.

Good luck!

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 27/12/2012 17:12

I think that is the key to be clam and assertive and not to raise tensions or do anything hen tensions are high

Yes. Once you start shouting it doesn't matter who is wrong or right. The point is lost.

I also disagree with pp that said your dh isn't to blame. Both of you have allowed this situation to arise. not just you.

Good luck

grimbletart · 27/12/2012 17:34

I thought you were talking about her DS!

You can blame her DH - FFS he was an adult when she married him. She is not responsible for wiping his nose (or by the sound of it, changing his nappy).
No decent man would have not seen a need to play his part.

MerryLindor · 27/12/2012 19:02

Of course your DH is to blame for taking advantage of the situation that has developed.

But only you have the power to change the direction in which the boat is being steered (love the boat analogy)

First things first. Do not EVER say that you are useless, no good, hopeless, always cocking things up ...

Never ever say that about yourself.

You are an intelligent woman with the power and strength to realise that things cannot go on as they are. Don't put yourself down.

If we diminish ourselves, how can we expect others to take us seriously?

Zavi · 27/12/2012 19:33

This is why I think the OP, and not her OH, is responsible for this situation:

the language that she has used to describe her situation underlines her own attitude towards responsibilities when she says

"and he is very helpful when I ask"

There you have it! She has created a situation whereby he will only do things when asked to - and when he does do something she thinks he is being "very helpful".

I just don't think the OP has really grasped the concept of how shared responsibilities works, otherwise she wouldn't sound so grateful for his "help".

There are still old-fashioned notions around about women being in charge on the domestic front, with household responsibilities being the woman's domain. I don't buy into that nonsense accept that - not least because I think that those patriarchal notions were designed by men for men's benefit and it is in men's interest to have those notions perpetuated!

But amazingly, even a lot of today's younger women, hold those old-fashioned views too.

Those type of women - and I consider the OP to be one - tend to be grateful to their OH's for "helping them out" whilst at the same time bemoaning their lot in life.

That's why I blame the women, not the men!

Original poster

ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 19:38

Zavi - I meant the helpful comment about my ds not my dh!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 19:42

Merrylindor - thanks for your lovely comment

I am a capable intelligent woman with 2 professional qualifications and a law degree!

Just dh drives me potty with this selfish attitude that I often think well if I wasn't here he would realise exactly what I do!

Unfortunately the 2 times I wasn't here ( both in hospital) his mother came over to help!

OP posts:

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 27/12/2012 19:45

Zavi - I think she was saying her son can be very helpful when asked

Op - my ds is the same age as yours and can be relied upon to play in his room until I get up or when I am getting ready. My 2.5yr old can too. My 5 year old gets himself dressed for school, washes his face, cleans his teeth and makes his bed.

This is a new development - I started using a chore chart at half term and he gets a little treat on Sunday if he has ticked a certain number of boxes. Because he has been doing it for a couple of months some of the chores are now automatic and will be replaced with new chores on the list as it is now expected behaviour. Do you think that would work or your son? Getting the treat right is key!

As for your dh, I dont know what to advise but I feel for you.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 27/12/2012 19:47

Oh - and if anyone says you are being cruel to make your son do things for himself, just point out that you don't want him to grow up to be a feckless waste of space like his fatheR

3littlefrogs · 27/12/2012 19:47

It sounds as if Ds is learning his behaviour and attitude from his father.

Zavi · 27/12/2012 20:01

Oh, sorry. Quite understandable if you meant your six year old!

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