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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have yelled at dh

63 replies

ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 10:27

So dh was still in bed at 10am and he would get up.

I've been up with ds since half 6!

I have done everything these past few days and he won't even get uppity ds so I can get washed and dresses. Ds is washed and dressed - I did that and he's 6

I'm so annoyed but apparently I'm in the wrong that I shouted!
And maybe slammed a door.

Why can't he see that his behaviour is driving me away and he complains I don't want to spend time with him but would rather fall asleep - yes dear I fall asleep as I am feckin shattered as do everything and you do feck all

I kmoe it's partly my fault but really is it all my fault?

Will be huffed with for the rest of he day now as a result.

OP posts:
MerryLindor · 27/12/2012 11:17

You work full time too?

strumpetpumpkin · 27/12/2012 11:17

leave the entitled bastard

Original poster
ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 11:19

I work 29 hours a week in a town 25 miles away from home.

So I work, reduced hours but travel

Dh works from home

Ds is spoilt rotten hence the no reasoning with

And he is very helpful when I ask (usually)!

Dh is a lazy so and so

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 11:23

Well, I don't want to sound mean Op but it sounds like you could be raising your son to be like your DH if you drop everything to run around and help him wash, dress, play etc.

Don't bother trying to get your lazy DH up.

Just start noisily making lunch FOR YOURSELF and your ds.

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 11:25

Actually on second thoughts, use this opportunity to teach your DS how to make sandwiches properly.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2012 11:29

Ds is spoilt rotten hence the no reasoning with

Well who made him that way? Who spoilt him? Who runs round doing everything for him, at his beck and call, allowing him to rule the roost?

You are turning him into your dh and complaining about them both.

The only person who can change this situation is you OP.

What do you want?

Original poster
ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 11:31

I don't spoil him

His dad panders to him as does his grandparents when I try to say something or try to discipline him - I'm called a bad mother! And o leave the child alone

I am trying my best - its obviously not good enough

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2012 11:34

Tips

  1. Stop doing stuff for your DH please don't tell me you iron his clothes etc.
  2. Start teaching your DS to cope with being on his own for a bit.
  3. Get used to telling your DS you will do what he wants in a few minutes and if he kicks up a fuss you won't do it at all (DS2 is 5 so I know what they are like at this age)
  4. Make things like learning to get dressed a fun challenge for DS, e.g. I bet you can't get your vest and t-shirt on whilst I'm in the shower.

We share the lie-ins and if DS2 is bouncing on me to get me up, I tell him to bounce on DH because I'm not getting up.

FriendlyLadybird · 27/12/2012 11:34

Er, well, who spoilt DS rotten?

It sounds as if you need a rethink all round, as you sound resentful in general and it's exploded over a relatively minor thing. Unless either of you is working today, what's wrong with having a lie-in?

My DH is actually still in bed but he's recovering from a cold and I don't mind. My children aren't dressed and neither am I (though I have had a shower). We've got nothing in particular to do today so I'm quite happy for everyone to lounge around, watch television and eat chocolate.

Mimulet · 27/12/2012 11:34

Men are all the same!

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 11:37

But his dad isn't pandering to him if its you that's getting up with him to wash him etc.

You need to start letting him wash and dress himself. And amuse himself while you shower etc.

And you say he was "bouncing on your head" at 6 am?

Mine would have been told to play or read quietly in their rooms for a while at that age if they had done that at 6 am and if we didn't need to be up and about.

LatteLady · 27/12/2012 11:38

I think that the answer is simple... go on strike. Do nothing, do not get up, if the children ask for anything, just say, "Ask your father"

Then when you feel rested, breezily grab the car keys and go and meet a friend for coffee, and leave saying, "Expect me when you see me!"

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 11:39

Men are not all the same actually Mimulet Hmm

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 27/12/2012 11:39

Op no one said you a bad mother. But you seem to be unhappy and its everyone elses fault. when people suggest that you need to change things with as its neither his fault or yours.

If you do everything on the house and for as, then you must be spoiling him. You do come across as a martyr.

Tired or not a child of that age should be ok to leave while you shower and making excuses about it beings dhs fault you can't, isn't helping.

Mimulet what a ridiculous statement.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2012 11:40

Mimulet
I hope that is a tongue in cheek post! Otherwise its bloody offensive. Men are not all the same just as women are not all the same.

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 11:40

And those that are like that are like that because their mothers probably ran around after them.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2012 11:40

I think you were looking for some sympathy OP and I do feel for you but a lot of this is your own making and you can change it if that's what you really want.

It's not going to happen by magic.

Do you just want to have a good moan and carry on as before or do you want to change things so that they are not like this in the future?

Original poster
ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 11:49

I know it's my fault but can't think how to change.

OP posts:
WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 27/12/2012 11:53

Well chaz's post at 11.34 has a few good ideas.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2012 11:55

Chablis
Stop rowing the boat

I don't know if you have ever heard of this analogy before
"I?ve found that I have to tell myself?even now, years later?that I am ONLY responsible for my part of any relationship. I?ve found the analogy of rowing the boat to assess my behavior to be especially useful:

I am not alone in the boat, therefore, I am not solely responsible for rowing . . . in fact, every now and then, I need to STOP rowing the boat to make sure that the others in the boat are right there with me, rowing along and doing their share. I do not need to tell anyone how to row a boat or help them see that they are not rowing (that?s their own business). And, I do not need to maintain relationships where the other people in the boat aren?t rowing."

You seem to be doing all the work at the moment so stop doing some of it and see what happens.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2012 11:55

You need to decide exactly what you want for starters.

Make a list and we'll tell you if it's reasonable, if you're unsure. So, for example you want to share household jobs, childcare, take turns to have a lie in, that sort of thing.

Once you know what you want, you tell your dh and ask for his opinions. If he makes valid contributions, you tweak the list accordingly. He may want to add some stuff too.

Then, when it's all ironed out and sorted you both stick to to. If he won't agree or doesn't want to pull his weight, you consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a person like that.

If discipline for your ds is a problem, go on a parenting course.

Original poster
ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 11:58

Chaz- I love the boat analogy

Will look at your list of 11:34 also.

Think I need to stop doing for all until one realises what I do thn we can make a list.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 27/12/2012 12:09

And if the boat gets a hole in it you need to decide whether you are going to spend your time trying to bail it out all on your own, or whether you should let it sink and get a new boat!

Original poster
ChablisLover · 27/12/2012 13:43

Thanks all

Have taken to my bed on semi strike

Ds is beside me having hijacked my iPad and just having a rest.

Plus have had chocolate - world always seems better after chocolate.

Martyr that I am - it seems I can't do anything right so will hope that tomorrow is better.

OP posts:
Zavi · 27/12/2012 14:41

You cant blame your OH for behaving/having behaved liked this in the past as you have allowed the situation to develop and so he is accustomed to not needing to taking things on, as a reasonable, responsible adult would.

Unless you want more of the same for the foreseeable future you need to step up and be more assertive!

Since your OH is not in the habit of taking responsibility for chores/childcare etc you will initially need to tell him - not what you want "help" with - but what you want him to take on responsibility for i.e. shopping, laundry, cooking, childcare.

He will probably protest/sulk/refuse/do the job badly. He is after all (currently) behaving immaturely and irresponsibly. Don't be put off by that.

THAT is the time for you to really step up and assert yourself and state clearly / repeat ad nauseum "No. YOU need to do that. And do it properly. I am fed up with taking full responsibility for all of this. This needs to be shared. You need to do your share of this etc, otherwise we don't have a working partnership"

If he won't step up and change his ways then you either leave/kick him out/accept that things aren't going to change and stop whingeing complaining about it.