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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel incredibly let down?

33 replies

MadameCastafiore · 27/12/2012 06:49

The only present which I did not ask for, which I will actually get some use out of is a pair of oven gloves!

Everything else I either specifically had to describe or send the link to or got something that I would never use or is way too big for me.

Just feel really fecking down about it - I spend so much time bothering to get people things that I think they will like or I store away little snippets of info that they impart throughout the year to get them things they are interested in.

I sound really ungrateful but we had a secret santa thing yesterday and I had really put effort into getting things the person would like although we had a strict budget and had to get a certain amount of presents for that budget. I got crap - total crap that someone would not dream of wrapping up for a bloody present.

And today I have got to sneak the one thing out of the house that DH bought me using his own brain and try and send it back as it is something I would never wear but he is going to be sad as he is always going on about how crap he is at buyig presents.

I just feel like crying - I'm a bloody mug aren't I or am I being a bit sensitive - just feel like no bloody point bothering next year and everyone can have a bloody gift voucher and a book.

OP posts:

Montybojangles · 27/12/2012 07:32

I can understand you feeling down regarding your presents (my OH is a bit hit and miss when I comes to picking gifts for me), but I don't understand why you are feeling that you shouldn't bother buying for others as a result. I love it when I find the perfect present for someone, it is in the giving that is the enjoyment, not expecting to get something just as thoughtful back.

So YABU to feel there's no point bothering to buy nice things for others in future, YANBU to be depressed at crap, unthinking presents.

Emmielu · 27/12/2012 07:34

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You should be grateful you got gifts. All I got this year was a scarf from my sister. I have hundreds of them. I don't usually wear them. But hey, it's worth being grateful for since I may wear it one day. Last year I got nothing. In fact none of the adults did.

HDee · 27/12/2012 07:37

I didn't get a single present.

And people might just be looking at your presents, that you have bought for them, wondering wtf you were thinking when you wrapped it up for them.

Just because the sender thinks its a fab gift, doesn't mean it is. You don't know how much thought and effort went into the gifts you received, you just don't appreciate them.

Chottie · 27/12/2012 07:40

Perhaps you need to change things around a little? With the SS could you suggest that everyone makes a short list of suggestions? then you would get something you like?

Some DP are good at buying presents and some are not? Can you and DP go shopping together next Christmas to choose your present? DP might just need a little practice in buying what you like?

Rowgtfc72 · 27/12/2012 07:41

I do all the present buying here too. Last year I was disappointed this year I didnt even drop hints I gave Dh a list (only silly stuff like cd, socks, chocs-we dont spend loads) so he did the same. Presents from dd were a surprise to each of us. Weve had a great Christmas and everyone is happy. As an aside Dh did get me a box of 24 Peanut butter kit kats ! We decided spending money on stuff we dont want is a waste of money , we never know exactly what were getting but know its something we have mentioned. Im a big kid about presents so YANBU.

HollyBerryBush · 27/12/2012 07:46

I remember reading once, that we buy presents to our own taste and a secret desire for what we want.

Many people make christmas lists and distribute them - I don't see the difference in doing that to sending links to items like you have described.

whois · 27/12/2012 09:40

Boring. Join the hoard of gift moaners on here who put so much effort initial choosing and got something shit in return.

Either you can decide that it means people don't give a shit about you.

Or take the adult and reasonable view point that buying Christmas tat for an adult shouldn't have to be a ridiculous guessing game to probe how much they love you. Picking from your Xmas list / link is a very nice and acceptable way of ensuring you got what you wanted.

Ps how do you know that the things you put so much effort into we're actually well received???

Theicingontop · 27/12/2012 09:46

You're being a bit silly, your DH tried. I didn't get a crumb. I told OH he has to buy me something he thought I would like, and he couldn't do it. It's fine though, I'm taking his bank card to the sales

blonderthanred · 27/12/2012 09:50

Don't get rid of the thing your DH bought you, you are right his confidence will be knocked and he won't try again. Just wear it a couple of times & tell him how much you appreciated the effort.

Partridge · 27/12/2012 09:50

Presents do not equal love. I got nothing and feel very very loved. I simply cannot understand that utterly childish attitude unless you have extremely low self-esteem.

Try to rationalise it and not behave like a spoilt child. And v v for your dh who tried to get you something and you are going to return it. Petulant.

Mumsyblouse · 27/12/2012 10:34

I think it's nice your husband got you a present, knowing full well you are likely to disapprove! Some people love buying presents, others like me struggle and don't do a great job (Amazon books or nothing basically), but it doesn't relate to how I feel about the person, just that I'm not the type of person to note down preferences months in advance. You got some presents, I am not sure what you are moaning about (I had very few this year, perhaps five, including the most garish second hand necklace from my dd2, but I'm chuffed she spent her pocket money on me, not having a huff that it's not my style).

zlist · 27/12/2012 10:49

Some people are really into the whole gift exchange things and others aren't. It is most definitely not an expression of love.
Personally, I really dislike swapping Christmas presents and avoid it if at all possible - it just seems so silly.
You may be surprised to find that you have overestimated your present buying skills anyway. MIL loves buying gifts and thinks she is very good at it. She does make the effort to choose things that are related to interests etc but whether or not they are wanted is an entirely different matter. She enjoys doing it though. It is entirely possible that others would prefer it if you just bought them something from a list or a mug/token or nothing at all.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles · 27/12/2012 10:51

Some people don't get gifts, and some people don't consider the thought put into them as being about how much they love their partner, they choose to show it in different ways all throughout the year. People who have unrealistic expectations are often upset.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 27/12/2012 10:55

I'm a bit miffed that dsis seemed to have decided that the £30 to £40 a head budget had been halved this year .... But didnt tell me.

For background, her dh is a director and they earn approximately 2.5 times our salary.

I would have much preferred to half my expenditure on her too :(

MissHilly · 28/12/2012 18:02

You are either doing this to get a rise out of people or you are being very ungrateful. How about putting what you didn't like on ebay and donating the proceeds to charity for those who didn't get any presents. What is the point of sneaking the present past your husband, he will wonder where it has gone anyway, so you should be honest with him and explain it wasn't right for you. I know I am probably going to sound very trite but your attitude just about sums up the attitude of a lot of people in the world today - obsessed with material objects. To sum up, you are being unreasonable.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2012 18:17

As I've said on another thread, some people are inexplicably crap at presents

YANBU about the secret santa, especially if its close friends or family

YANBU to want something you want, and contrary to some of the sanctimoniousness chucked about YANBU in my opinion to want something you want and want something nice

Thank DH for his effort, acknowledge that you're hard to buy for and change it for something nice. I bet he'd rather you had something you want, really

peaceandlovebunny · 28/12/2012 18:20

i don't understand this present fascism. people with too little on their minds spend months fussing about what bit of tat they can inflict on others, then get huffy if they don't receive in exchange a bit of tat they actually like.

FromEsme · 28/12/2012 18:24

If you don't like your presents, ebay them and buy something else. Or give them to someone else next year.

No need to be a martyr about it though. It's only a present, it doesn't really say anything about how the person who gave it to you feels.

backwardpossom · 28/12/2012 18:34

I remember reading once, that we buy presents to our own taste and a secret desire for what we want.

DH got me a voucher for the beautician... should I be worried?

FestiveDigestive · 28/12/2012 18:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable. When I receive a cheap present, I think the present tells me that the person who bought it doesn't know me well at all or hasn't taken any time to think about what I would like.

When i buy gifts I spend a long time matching the present to the person in my mind. I think about what they already have, what they might need, what would they really LIKE but maybe not buy for themselves if it's extravagent? I think about gifts I've given that person in the past abs how much they've liked them, what their own personal style is etc.

If, for some reason, I have to buy for someone I don't know well then I ask someone close to them what they like or try to do my own research. It's definitely not about money spent, it's about the thought. It's rather receive a £5 gift that has been purchased with me in mind than a £50 gift that's been grabbed at the last minute.

I once received a gold necklace. I've never worn gold in my life and never will. That was clearly a last minute "present for the sake of it" and I would genuinely rather they hadn't bothered! Maybe that makes me a stroppy brat . It was also months after my actual birthday. My present rules are: 1)Get it to the person on time or just don't bother 2) Put more than 5 minutes thought into it 3) Wrap it properly. Do NOT just hand over in the carrier bag you got it in.

Those things are all about thought and effort. Then again, I was brought up in a family where present giving is significant. Everyone in my DH's family is of the "weeks/months late, in a crumpled carrier bag, couldn't care less" school of present giving. I have to remind myself that it's just not important to them & try not to take it too personally.

FestiveDigestive · 28/12/2012 18:52

I've just seen that I've written "when I receive a cheap present"!!! I meant to write "a crap present" and my phone must have changed it - honestly And no, it really wasn't a Freudian slip! Bloody iPhone.

FestiveDigestive · 28/12/2012 18:53

CRAP present, not CHEAP. Must make this crystal clear.

TheLightPassenger · 28/12/2012 18:58

yabu. and you do sound v ungrateful. what's wrong with gift vouchers and a book as a present

redexpat · 28/12/2012 19:00

OK festive we believe you!

ZZZenAgain · 28/12/2012 19:01

rather than let it get to you so much, could you suggest adults not getting each other presents next year (obviously not right now but some time later on in the year). Go out for a nice meal together instead of getting each other presents, just get presents for the children?

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