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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to XP's request to keep dd for an extra day?

36 replies

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 06:45

Dd is now 13, and her dad and i have been separated since she was 15months. Both of us have remarried and have had more children since (he 2xdd, me 2xds). My current DH also had a dd from his first marriage who is now 14. Between us we have come up with a system to share Christmases, by alternating them. This year it was the turn of the other parents to have the dd's so my dd went to her dads on the 21st Dec at 8.30am (collected by him), as did my dsd go to her mum. Both girls are due home tomorrow, when we will do their presents. My dd is booked in for the opticians on friday afternoon, and riding lesson on Saturday morning, a family lunch (with all the gp's) is arranged for Sunday. I go back to work on the 2nd Jan.

My XP has requested by text that he keep her until sat as his dm and ds are coming to visit on Friday and she hasn't seen them for a while. I've said no, as I now only have 5 days until I go back to work, and i want to spend some time with her. He has had her for a full week and i would have thought the could have arranged the visit earlier. His dm is married to a Muslim so they do not really celebrate Christmas in her house and his ds is single with no children or ties of her own. I don't see why they couldn't have come on either Thursday (today) or even Boxing day to spend time with her except that they (XP, his wife and their kids) have spent Christmas with her mother and don't plan to return to their own home until Friday.

I very rarely say no to any of his requests for extra visits, or swapping weekends about because it is important to my dd and to me that she has a good relationship with her dad and her half sisters. He didn't see her at all in december before the xmas week because she had dancing commitments and was on a French trip, and he and his dw were going to his works Xmas party. None of these missed weekends were my fault or my requests.

So..... AIBU to say no to the extra day?

OP posts:

TheNebulousBoojum · 27/12/2012 06:49

What did your daughter want to do? The choice should have been hers.

seeker · 27/12/2012 06:53

She's 13. Her choice.

CremeEggThief · 27/12/2012 06:53

YANBU. You already have stuff organised and it's too short notice.

Original poster

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 06:59

Boojum and seeker, I have always tried to avoid asking my dd what she wants when it comes to visits with her dad , not bc I am mean, but honestly how can I ask her to choose between me and her dad? I have tried asking her on a couple of occasions and she just looks like rabbit in the headlights, her eyes widen, she shrugs and says she doesn't know. As her parents I think it's our responsibility to make those tough decisions for her, until she is ready to make them herself. She isn't yet.

OP posts:

Molehillmountain · 27/12/2012 07:02

I'm not really an expert in these things, but if a kind of outside perspective is helpful, I think really the ex should be thinking "what a shame dd can't see gm et al this time" as this places more value on your time with dd. Do you know what dd thinks? I am not sure whether getting her to choose is fair as she is still young and it's not necessarily a neutral choice to her, but if you knew it might help. It sounds as if the flexibility in the arrangement is a bit one sided. How will you feel if a) you say yes and b) if you say no? I'm rubbish at conflict so I'd probably say yes and resent it but assertiveness is no bad thing if you can do it. It's unfair to be in this position as your time seems to be undervalued but I guess the only way to deal with it is to look at it through dds eyes. Hope it works out.

HollyBerryBush · 27/12/2012 07:04

Christmas is about family - she has other siblings and a grandmother she hasn't seen in a while. I think you are making excuses - none of the appointments you have are ones that cannot be rebooked - and none of them have to be:

My dd is booked in for the opticians on friday afternoon, and riding lesson on Saturday morning, a family lunch (with all the gp's) is arranged for Sunday. I go back to work on the 2nd Jan.

ask for her back Friday morning

You are the RP you see her all the time.

I also agree at 13, it should be her wishes taken into account.

TheNebulousBoojum · 27/12/2012 07:10

It's a bit sad that after all these years of being shared, she still doesn't feel able to offer her own, honest opinion and looks like a trapped rabbit when asked.
Because whichever she chooses will upset and offend someone?

greenplastictrees · 27/12/2012 07:50

Is there a compromise to be had here for the sake of not souring relations and so your DD can see her grandmother and aunty? What time is she due home? Could you possibly have her back as planned, do the opticians, then pop round for an hour so she can say hi and have a drink with them? Don't think YABU by the way but maybe a compromise may be the best way forward.

Original poster

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 07:55

Boojum, I don't think she feels that she will upset or offend anyone. It woud be nice if she were more assertive, simply bc it woud mean i woudnt have to make the decision, but I think that would be me shirking my responsibility to her. She is still a child, I think over the next couple of years she will start taking more control, but I do not want to foist it on her before she is ready. He stepsis does make these decisions herself, has done since she was 6 but i have always felt that it was too much for her and I have seen her struggle emotionally, but she is not my dd and so I dont get involved.

Hollyberrybush, I was due to collect her Friday morning, was changed to 2pm so she could see gm and aunt so I moved opticians back to the afternoon. I cannot change to sat as they have no appts but could maybe move to Monday. Cannot move riding lesson to Sunday because a) riding school is closed and b) have 10 for lunch on Sunday so would have to just cancel it.

She is due back to her dads again for next weekend (friday 4th jan) as it is his weekend so cannot reschedule riding lesson for that weekend either. Surely his mum and sis could come and visit that weekend?

OP posts:

Original poster

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 07:57

FYI all, her dad lives a good hours drive away so collecting her doing the opticians then popping her back for a drink would involve 4 hours of driving. Not really do-able.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 27/12/2012 07:58

I dont see why you have to move the riding lesson on Saturday when you are getting her back Friday, nor lunch with your parents. You are just making excuses now and sound a little possessive of her.

You will be there when she has her riding lesson, it's an hour (isnt it?). You will be there for lunch with your parents presumably.

alphabetspaghetti · 27/12/2012 07:59

I agree that she should come hope tomorrow to open her presents with you and her dsd. However, is there any chance she can return to her dads if she so wished?

You do need to start considering her wishes now.

greenplastictrees · 27/12/2012 08:01

Now that you've mentioned she will see her GM and aunt in the morning I don't really see what the problem is at all. I don't think you should compromise if she'll see them anyway.

greenplastictrees · 27/12/2012 08:02

To clarify I mean it seems s though you've already changed your plans so she can see them so it seems all is probably fine if your daughter is happy.

Aspiemum2 · 27/12/2012 08:04

I don't think yabu. Also when I was 13 I would have been mortified if I'd been made to choose, I was perfectly happy having those decisions made by my parents. I wasn't scared of upsetting anyone I just didn't want to choose.

I don't think you should change the day. Your dd still has Christmas with you to fit in before you go back to work. Her dad knew the dates he had her and should have organised any visits for that time.

It sounds likes your dd gets plenty of time with him so there will be other times she can see her relatives

ChristmasJubilee · 27/12/2012 08:09

Could you speak to dd and ask her if she is happy for you to cancel her riding lesson on this occasion so that she can see dgm or if she would rather see them another time. That way she is not choosing between you and her Dad but you might get a feeling for what she wants to do. Could you change her lesson to next weekend and her Dad could collect her from there?

Violet77 · 27/12/2012 08:09

God he's had a week. No. Your feelings count too. It's christmas i would be devestated if i missed my dd for a week.

Agreements should be stuck to.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2012 08:11

At 13yrs I was happy to make choices- because that is what they were- choices. The thing that seems sad to me is that the DD can't make a choice because either way she upsets someone and so she carries on being a parcel to be fought over!

Original poster

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 08:16

Hollyberrybush, maybe I am being a bit possessive but I haven't seen her for a week, and have really missed her over Xmas. I am looking forward to her coming home, as are her bothers and her dsd/dss. I'm sorry but I am keen to get her home. I'm her mum, that's natural isn't it?

Moving the riding lesson would be bc her dad wants her to stay until Saturday. Riding is 9am. He lives an hour away, so I would need to leave to collect her at 6.30am on sat to make it back on time (it always takes a good 20mins to say her goodbyes etc plus she would need to change into her riding stuff).

I haven't mentioned moving lunch on Sunday at all, but I coudnt book anything else in on that day - it is effectively a second Christmas for the girls to see their gp's on our side and exchange Christmas gifts with them.

OP posts:

eslteacher · 27/12/2012 08:16

I think in this case your ex should have planned better, and will now have to take responsibility for DD and DGPs not seeing each other. I know its hard sorting out arrangements for blended families over Xmas, but it doesn't sound like there's any reason for him having failed to coordinate dates in advance here.

If however you think it would be good for DD to see her DGPs, any way you could compromise and ask for her back late Fri afternoon? Then you could do presents on Friday eve, and only have to reschedule opticians appointment for another day, assuming its not urgent.

TheSecondComing · 27/12/2012 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyFane1 · 27/12/2012 08:31

Her visit was from last Friday to this Friday morning? Covering the whole Christmas period? 1 week. Your DD will go back again next weekend Friday 4th? Then YANBU. He should have arranged his family visits in that time. He's had enough time IMO.
There is a way of communicating this to your EXH though as your posts don't come across too well (a bit full of your plans as if ExH is an add on- he isn't for your DD). "ExH, I'm so sorry it's not convenient as I go back to work next week and need this weekend. She's with you next, maybe you can make plans for then?"

KittyFane1 · 27/12/2012 08:33

What was your ExH's response when you said no?

KittyFane1 · 27/12/2012 08:42

It makes all the difference what his response was because if he said "Oh ok, never mind" Then his request doesn't impact on anyone really does it? In that case you YABU because he's not caused a problem, There is no harm in asking and you just wanted to slag him off.

If he ranted then he is a big problem and YANBU for asking opinions and support.

Original poster

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 08:50

KittyFane1 his response was churlish and bitter. He is annoyed. I appreciate that my op is a bit full of all of our details and plans but I was just trying to explain the situation as clearly as possible.

He has had the lions share of her this Christmas. I will next year, it is swings and roundabouts. But if I asked him if I could have her back a day early to see a family member on my side, he would say no. No shadow of a doubt in my mind there.

TheSecondComing, I have always thanked my lucky stars she has a dad who cares, who loves her and wants her. It could have been so different. So for her it is great. But for me personally (and I keep this very close to my chest, very very close) i have sometimes wished he would just sod off. I don't really mean that, but it has occurred to me in my darkest moments.

OP posts:

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