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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family members who make you feel farty and inadequate

33 replies

BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 00:38

AIBU, or do some people in your family just make you feel farty and inadequate? I saw a close relation today who has a great job, big house, two children (whilst I just have one and have always wanted more, but have never met a suitable man), married (again, nobody has actually wanted to marry me), she is outgoing (I am shy) and is really tall skinny (I am short and have to semi starve myself to stay at a size 10). Envy

She has always been the centre of attention since we were little. After I see her I just feel like crying, because she just seems to have everything that I want.

She is very nice, but AIBU to feel as though being around her just highlights all of my shortcomings?

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 27/12/2012 00:47

Never compare the inside of your life with the outside of someone else's.

What about her terrible backache, or her secret battle with addictions, or her ingrown toenail? You know nothing about her internal life. She could be miserable.

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 00:49

I'm sorry but I'm struggling with the "fatty" bit ...

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 00:49

farty!!

...fgs

Alittlestranger · 27/12/2012 00:50

And if she's not miserable MrsTCO? The OP can't get her self-esteem from hoping he relative's happiness is just a charade.

SPsFanjoIsSantasLittleHoHoHo · 27/12/2012 00:51

Farty? Confused

She might seem like she has it all but no one is perfect. For all you know she could be thinking the same about you

Original poster
BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 00:51

True MrsTerrys. I actually really like her too. The fact that she is a nice person makes me feel guilty for being so Envy. If she was a bitch it would make matters much easier!

Salmotrutta. I'm sure I wrote "farty" and not "fatty".

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 00:52

YABU

Everyone is different. Everyone has their own personality, their own work ethic, their own 'drive' and their own style and charisma etc.

Be happy for them and understand that just because someone is a certain way with a certain life, doesn't mean you are inferior to them.

We all have shortcomings, even the woman you are envious of.

TheShriekingHarpy · 27/12/2012 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 27/12/2012 00:55

Yes, you did. But I wrote "fatty" by mistake.

I prefer flatulent anyway.

Don't be wasting your life envying others. No point, as someone just said. You don't know the innards of her life.

And sty away from the sprouts. That'll sort out the wind issue.

Original poster
BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 00:56

ShriekingHarpy, I wish there was more in the way of instructions about how not to compare yourself to others and end up feeling crappy!

OP posts:
Dottiespots · 27/12/2012 01:08

I know what you mean by "farty". I know lots of people who are farty too and they always seem to have everything and live in their perfect little lives but to be honest as others have said, usually they have their own issues too. The issue here is really our own self esteem in that we dont feel good enough and to try and find out why that is.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 27/12/2012 01:09

I'm not saying she should get her self-esteem from someone else's misery. I'm saying that comparing your life to other people's is meaningless. You don't know what their life is like because you don't live it.

You need to find a way of feeling good about yourself that is internal and not affected by others.

Original poster
BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 01:13

awsangel, I'm glad somebody knows what I mean by "farty"!

I know comparison is the thief of joy, and all that. It's just difficult to not compare yourself with others.

OP posts:
TheShriekingHarpy · 27/12/2012 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 27/12/2012 01:17

Frankly, stop 'starving yourself to stay size 10.' You'd feel less miserable if you weren't hungry. Dieting is shit and there is nothing wrong with being bigger than size 10.

Beaverfeaver · 27/12/2012 01:24

My DH sometimes talks like this about our 'privaledged' relations.

I then remind him just how lucky we are and that we are still young and can one day have all the things he wants if we work hard enough for it if its that important to him.

Original poster
BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 01:28

Mrs Harpy, the Buddhists talk a lot of sense when it comes to that sort of thing. Maybe I need to become more spiritual and start doing yoga again?

OP posts:
Original poster
BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 01:30

Solid Gold, yes, you are probably right. I do feel pissed off, irritable and hungry most of the time.

OP posts:
maddening · 27/12/2012 09:11

If she was doing something malicious then you wnbu but she is just existing which means this is your issue so you may as well deal with your issue since you like her - may as well help yourself feel less inadequate and enjoy next xmas instead of feeling shit about it.

Adversecalendar · 27/12/2012 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarahseashell · 27/12/2012 10:19

health is wealth, peace of mind is happiness Xmas Smile

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 10:22

I'm sorry you feel so unhappy OP.

Fwiw I think I'd prefer the sort who make you feel inadequate (not sure what farty is) without meaning to, to the sort who come round and TELL you that you're inadequate and how bloody angry they are about your life and why aren't you more like them.

Xmas Angry

Want to swap?

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 27/12/2012 10:23

A good friend of mine is a leggy, sporty size 10. I'm a dumpy 14. I want her legs, she'd give her eye teeth for my boobs.

Have you considered that maybe she's just really good at putting a positive spin on things in public? Bet you she gets in from work, climbs into her pyjamas with a sigh of relief and microwaves a dinner...

DontmindifIdo · 27/12/2012 10:24

It's very hard when some people have 'perfect' lives, and secretly hoping that they are miserable inside doesn't really work when some people really are happy with their lot.

However, it does help to remember you are lucky in your own way, you have a lot that other people would be jealous of. Are you happy with your life? I make a point of reminding myself my life is due to choices i made. I chose not to work as hard as I could at school. I've chosen to have low-ish stress jobs that are family friendly, DH & I have chosen that we wouldn't push him away from technical jobs he enjoys and ensures he's home for dinner with DS every night, to pure management that he'd hate but pays significantly better. I've chosen to eat that packet of biscuits that's making my arse expand. I chose to marry a bloke who's gorgeous and funny and kind, but is not going to earn a 7 figure salary (I have several friends who have made the other choice).

Often you just look at what they have ended up with, but without thinking if you would ever have been prepared to make the choices they did. I don't know anyone in their 30s/40s earning 6 figure salaries who didn't spend their 20s working 12+ hour days. The only person I know in their 30s with v big house who didn't sacrifice holidays/experiences/freetime in their 20s to save for it has married a significantly older man who did that in his 20s/early 30s. I don't know anyone who's in their 30s, who's had DCs and a size 6 without saying "no thank you" regularly (although granted some really don't want the extra treats they are being offered). I don't know anyone in their 40s without DCs who wants them who didn't have chances to settle down in their 20s but chose not too.

Also if she is as nice as you say, she'd probably be really upset to think she makes you feel this way. Think about people you have a 'better' life than that you know, do you look down on them? No? Do you judge your friends who are fatter/poorer/without DCs? Would you be upset to think that when they are with you they feel inadequate?

DontmindifIdo · 27/12/2012 10:28

oh and if you are a size 10, you are thin - yes it takes work to maintain it, but it does for everyone, just some people find it easier to resist temptation than me others.