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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DD stay away from her auntie

41 replies

Ummofumbridge · 27/12/2012 00:29

And potentially upset her Dads family?
Dd is 14 and has always had a good relationship with her Dad and his parents (we split up when she was a baby and I get on with them mostly).
She's the only grandchild they have and will ever have and they have always gone a bit OTT with her which was fine when she was 6 but as the years have gone on she's found it difficult but she loves them and sees them regularly.

The problem is her Dads sister who is childless (through fertility issues) and divorced. I've tried so so hard to like her but she's completely interfered with how I bring up dd since she was born. Constantly belittling me, criticising me and generally trying to take over (she's 10 years older than me). She adores dd and she used to have sleep overs when she was little and at a time when her Dad was a bit rubbish, I was just happy she had another person who loved her! I have gone out of my way to be tolerant and kind as I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways and I know behind the bitch there is a lot of sadness.

Anyway, as the years passed DD started saying she didn't like her auntie, she finds her overbearing and is always kissing and groping her - in a 'jokey' way but it makes her feel uncomfortable. She's 14 - she doesn't want big sloppy kisses from her bloody auntie! She slaps her bum a lot too. Dd only sees her when she's at her grandparents house now as she stopped going over a few years ago as she's just a nightmare.

Anyway this woman has fallen out with most of her family at different times because she is basically very unpleasant. Dds granny (who is only in her 60's and not 'old') has asked her to pop in and visit her soon as we live within walking distance she'd love it so much.

Dd is terrified of rocking the boat. She loves her gps and is such a sweet girl she would never want to upset them by saying no but she's getting upset telling me its bothering her, she even had a nightmare last night. Obviously I'll go with her but I can't stand the woman either and I have had enough run ins with her to know exactly why dd has a problem.

She is very kind though. She buys Christmas presents for my other younger dc and they love her. She is good with little children but struggles once they can answer back. Trust me when I say I get on with most people, I'm probably the most laid back person ever but some of the things this person had done/said I find difficult to forget although I am friendly to her face as we don't see each other often nowadays.

Aghhhh sorry so long but basically wibu to say as her mother that she isn't going to visit auntie this week or ever. I think her Dad should deal with it (he doesn't like her either) but he'll just tell her to go and keep the peace. I feel this is really unfair on dd and she's even said to me she secretly wishes my DH was her Dad as she finds this side of her family so complicated and difficult.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 27/12/2012 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 27/12/2012 00:35

'She's 14 - she doesn't want big sloppy kisses from her bloody auntie! She slaps her bum a lot too.'

If your DD was saying this about an uncle, would you hesitate in listening to her?

Tell her of course she doesn't have to see aunty, and then cop any fallout flack on her behalf.

Whether the auntys behaviour has crossed any lines into the inappropriate is irrelevant, she's making your DD uncomfortable and she's old enough to know her own mind.

You don't have to do what your ex says to keep the peace for him, listen to your DD.

Devora · 27/12/2012 00:37

Yes, I agree you need to back your dd over this. I'd be concerned at the kissing and groping - does your dd perceive this as sexually inappropriate, or just irritating?

Either way, your dd is old enough to decide that she doesn't want to spend time with this woman. In terms of explaining it to the family, does it have to be a big 'She'll not be staying with auntie now or ever' statement, or could you just say, "You know what teenagers are like - she has decided this is not something she wants at the moment - and she's old enough to choose for herself", then refuse to engage in further discussion about it?

LucieMay · 27/12/2012 00:39

Big sloppy kisses and slapping her on the bum? That sounds very odd. I have an 11 year old and 16 year old niece and wouldn't dream of kissing or slapping them anywhere. Very inappropriate!

RyleDup · 27/12/2012 00:39

Actually I wouldn't expect your dd to put up with it. I'd probably back off from her a bit, but if that wouldn't work then you or dh, needs to have the converstion with said aunt.

ILikeWhisperingToo · 27/12/2012 00:40

Everything Agent said.
Make polite excuses if it makes it easier on you ("DD busy, out with friends, with her mates, you know what teenagers are like etc") but ultimately you need to put DD first and let her know that you respect her feelings on this matter.

Original poster
Ummofumbridge · 27/12/2012 00:46

I absolutely agree. Dd perceives it as irritating rather than sexual and I don't want this to sound nasty but her aunt is very obese and she kind Iof just finds it 'gross' when she makes her give her hugs and grabs her for a kiss.
I've told her nobody has the right to make her feel uncomfortable and shes not threatened by her (if that makes sense). I've told her not to go and ill absolutely back her up but she doesn't want to upset her gran.

I just feel for her so much. This side of the family think she's bloody 24 not 14 sometimes they expect far too much of her and don't appreciate that she's amazing and mature but she's still 14!

I'm going to have to take the fall out and say no aren't I? Last time I did this over something it dragged on for weeks with tearful phone calls from granny and stern ones from Dad. Aghhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
Ummofumbridge · 27/12/2012 00:48

Oh and the aunt has always been overly affectionate. She just doesn't seem to understand that it's sweet to bearhug and kiss a 4 year old but if dd doesn't want her to do it then its wrong.

OP posts:
polkadotsrock · 27/12/2012 00:57

You're obviously not worried about it being an inappropriate cuddling etc so thinking back to my own experience I would continue to go, albeit briefly. She's a woman who doesn't have much good in her life and just wants a cuddle, not cool when your 14 but perhaps a lesson in kindness to others when it doesn't really cost you anything? Family is family and this woman has been good to her and your other children. Imagine how upsetting s post from the aunt would sound 'why won't my family come to see me?? They're all I've got and I've done nothing wrong' - we'd all be in tears...maybe just me... But I hope you see what I mean

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 27/12/2012 01:01

Your last post just sums it up, but if she doesn't know she's being inappropriate now, is she ever going to?

Saying something to her will just make for a bad atmosphere and come back on your DD.

I agree just sidestepping her invites is the best way to go, but is there any way of doing it without 'implicating' your DD? I was just thinking that if you say she's out with her mates/you know what teenagers are like/she's chosen for herself, that it gives the family something to pin on her and possibly take her to task about?

I'm not sure what other reasons you could use instead, maybe when she asks have something inescapable your DD has to be at? That way it doesn't look like your DD wants to stop going, but will be a while until the aunt cottons on there's a pattern emerging.

CailinDana · 27/12/2012 01:03

Could you or your DD ask her to cut the physical stuff out? Or could you mention it to her gran in the hopes that she'll say something to the aunt? I am very very strongly of the opinion that no one no matter what age they are should have to put up with a relationship that makes them uncomfortable particularly when there's a physical element. If the auntie genuinely wants to see your DD she should just take it on the chin and try to respect your DD's wishes. If she strops about it then you have your answer - she wants to use your DD for physical affection and she doesn't care how it makes your DD feel, so in that case it's best they don't have any more contact.

A lonely adult is not entitled to use a child to get satisfaction, no matter how "innocent" that satisfaction might be.

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 27/12/2012 01:05

Do you often put up with family members acting in an inappropriate way and touching you when it makes you feel uncomfortable polka?

Because that would be worrying if you did.

If someone makes your child feel uncomfortable because they don't respect their personal boundaries, it's your duty to take them seriously.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/12/2012 01:11

I don't care if your 1 or 101 you should still have your personal space respected, I wouldn't socialise with people who didnt respect so wouldn't expect anybody else to.

polkadotsrock · 27/12/2012 01:12

Ok, I take your point agent, but rather than cut her off, talk to her about it. We have established there is no 'threat' and what I was trying to do was remember that the aunt isn't some fictional weirdo-she's a person, and a possibly a pretty lonely one by the sound of things. It just makes me sad when people give up on family or when they divide for whatever reason.

WeAreEternal · 27/12/2012 01:14

You could maybe suggest that she meets up with you and your DD for a coffee one day.
Meet her in a cafe have a chat and a quick coffee and then tell her that you have to get going because you have an appointment in 10 minutes/lots to do/places to be and tell her you will have to do it again some time. but just never call her

That way your DD can avoid any over the top affection and you don't get forced to spend ages with her.

But if DD really doesn't want to see her you definitely should support her choice not to, especially if the rest of her family will try to force her into things she doesn't want to do.

jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 01:14

You either need to tell her to stop inappropriately touching your dd or not allow contact again.

Partly because her behaviour is utterly inappropriate (as others have said imagine how you'd react if it was a man - then react the bloody same) and you should be putting your dd first, end of.

And also because of what you are generally teaching dd here about personal boundaries. I'm sorry but why is this even a question? She sounds like a total nightmare.

jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 01:15

No threat?

She keeps touching this child in a way that makes her uncomfortable. FFS!!!

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 27/12/2012 01:16

Polka, but to say anything to her means the DD has 'complained' to her mum and her mum's taken the decision to 'make something of it', which gives the family ammo to step up the pressure and make the DD feel unreasonable for wanting control over who she has contact with.

The OP said 'Last time I did this over something it dragged on for weeks with tearful phone calls from granny and stern ones from Dad.' The family isn't going to just let this go or try to see it from the DDs POV, which is why she needs her mum to step in and do it for her.

raspberryroop · 27/12/2012 01:17

Agree with Zigzag - How to hammer a child's sense of self esteem and tell her that her boundaries and comfort zone are fair game because someone is lonely. We should be teaching kids that their body is their own and how they feel is important. A 14 year old is not 'therapy' for some sad family member - there is a reason they are sad and lonely!

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 27/12/2012 01:20

'You either need to tell her to stop inappropriately touching your dd or not allow contact again.'

Again though jess, would you send your DD back to visit an uncle after she'd told you that, and trust the situation to change just because you'd had a word?

I bloody wouldn't.

They'd never step foot there again.

(and I don't even want to get into the type of threats some men use to get the DC to keep their mouths shut about what's going on, even though the OP's said she doesn't feel it to be inappropriate sexually, why would you risk your DD to test your theory)

MrsSham · 27/12/2012 01:23

That is weird behaviour, I patted my nephew on the bottom by accident the other day, he is 10 and I felt a bit embarrassed by it, we where both sat down and as he got up to hug me I patted him on the back not realising he was about to stand. I would never naturally pat a child on the bottom.

polkadotsrock · 27/12/2012 01:25

Right. I wasn't suggesting using her as therapy and I think that is a horrible twist on what I said. The op herself had been careful to mention no threat- I didn't make it up myself. I didn't come on to fight, I very rarely post because sadly it often seems everything ends in a fight on here, I was merely offering an alternative viewpoint and was not suggesting anything outrageous IMO.

scripsi · 27/12/2012 01:28

AgentZigZag and raspberryroop are bang on the money. I would let your DD stay away from the aunt, it will do wonders for DD's self-esteem to be taken seriously and allowed to enforce her boundaries.

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 27/12/2012 01:33

I hope my posts come across as attacking you polka.

I can see what you're saying, and it does seem as though some family members can stop contact for relatively minor reasons.

But that's looking at it from the outside, and there are so many undercurrents/game players/family politics involved in even a minor situation, it's no wonder the short OP you get to write can't cover all the different aspects.

polkadotsrock · 27/12/2012 01:36

Very true agent. Think I've probably said all I have to say so shall go to sleep- no clue why I am actually still awake.
OP best of luck in finding a solution that works for you and DD