To let DD stay away from her auntie

[Ummofumbridge]

And potentially upset her Dads family?
Dd is 14 and has always had a good relationship with her Dad and his parents (we split up when she was a baby and I get on with them mostly).
She's the only grandchild they have and will ever have and they have always gone a bit OTT with her which was fine when she was 6 but as the years have gone on she's found it difficult but she loves them and sees them regularly.

The problem is her Dads sister who is childless (through fertility issues) and divorced. I've tried so so hard to like her but she's completely interfered with how I bring up dd since she was born. Constantly belittling me, criticising me and generally trying to take over (she's 10 years older than me). She adores dd and she used to have sleep overs when she was little and at a time when her Dad was a bit rubbish, I was just happy she had another person who loved her! I have gone out of my way to be tolerant and kind as I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways and I know behind the bitch there is a lot of sadness.

Anyway, as the years passed DD started saying she didn't like her auntie, she finds her overbearing and is always kissing and groping her - in a 'jokey' way but it makes her feel uncomfortable. She's 14 - she doesn't want big sloppy kisses from her bloody auntie! She slaps her bum a lot too. Dd only sees her when she's at her grandparents house now as she stopped going over a few years ago as she's just a nightmare.

Anyway this woman has fallen out with most of her family at different times because she is basically very unpleasant. Dds granny (who is only in her 60's and not 'old') has asked her to pop in and visit her soon as we live within walking distance she'd love it so much.

Dd is terrified of rocking the boat. She loves her gps and is such a sweet girl she would never want to upset them by saying no but she's getting upset telling me its bothering her, she even had a nightmare last night. Obviously I'll go with her but I can't stand the woman either and I have had enough run ins with her to know exactly why dd has a problem.

She is very kind though. She buys Christmas presents for my other younger dc and they love her. She is good with little children but struggles once they can answer back. Trust me when I say I get on with most people, I'm probably the most laid back person ever but some of the things this person had done/said I find difficult to forget although I am friendly to her face as we don't see each other often nowadays.

Aghhhh sorry so long but basically wibu to say as her mother that she isn't going to visit auntie this week or ever. I think her Dad should deal with it (he doesn't like her either) but he'll just tell her to go and keep the peace. I feel this is really unfair on dd and she's even said to me she secretly wishes my DH was her Dad as she finds this side of her family so complicated and difficult.

I meant I hope they don't come across as attacking you!

Bit of a crucial word to miss out.

If my 9 month old baby kept on crying when he was picked up and stopped when put down I would know that at that time he didn't want to be fussed at, I would stop anybody who tried. No different to my teenagers

Thanks for the responses. They are really appreciated. She's always saying stuff to her too like 'you never come and visit' which makes my poor dd feel guilty. Neither I (or dd) see her as a threat, if I had any suspicions at all that she had sexual motives then dd would never see her again. We both just find it weird and irritating.

Ill have a chat with dd again tomorrow and maybe bring it up with her Dad. It's a bloody complicated family. They're a nightmare at times.

I got you agent

Tbf though Umm, everybody's family is weird, irritating, complicated and nightmarish

The closer you get to them, the more you notice.

It was not Freudian polka, I thought you came across as a reasonable and compassionate poster.

You should post more not less, balance it all out a bit.

Um. I can only comment from my own personal experience.... I have "issues" with personal space (if I stick my elbows out and can touch you, you are too close...) and I am like that with EVERYONE (parents included), I can "invite" people in, but if they initiate touching (even hand on shoulder) I go "rabbit in headlights". This started when I was quite young (11-12 I guess). Also, by the age of 14, I was starting to "be aware" of sex, and at 14, albeit a very mature 14, ANY physical contact could be perceived as potentially sexual. Not that it ever was, it was more of a confused, hormonal, "get out of my space" feeling. If I'd had a "huggy" aunt, even if it HAD been sexually intended, I would never have told anyone, cos how would I know that it was sexual, IYKWIM?
Anyway, in this situation, OP, I'd have a chat with dad and/or granny, and say something along the lines of "DD is starting to feel a bit uncomfortable around auntie, you know teenagers and body issues... She's a bit embarrassed about it as she doesn't want to upset auntie, could you have a quiet word with auntie about toning it down?"
Please listen and try to help DD, this situation (probably won't, but) may teach her to think that lonely, sad people can use her body for comfort....

HTH, lusty

Sounds a bit odd to me, meant in a harmless way but if it's makin your dd uncomfortable to the point where she doesn't want to see her Aunty then something needs doing. Im a very huggy kissy sort of Aunty but once my niece and nephew got to about 8 years old I let them take the lead on what they are comfortable with. Dniece is now 15 and I get a brief hug and peck on the cheek, dnephew is 11 and only does hi5 now, not hugs etc, he wouldn't be seen dead. It's about respecting personal space and boundaries which are different for everyone. I would have a quiet word with the Aunty and just explain that your dd does love her and wants to see her but as a teenager she is struggling with the hugging etc and could she tone it down please. If she is offended then it's tough I'm afraid, your dd is your priority.

That emotional blackmail is really passive aggressive. Teach your daughter that it is wrong and it is ok to refuse it!
You need to teach your daughter to trust her instincts in relationships.
You surely don't want her to accept this from friends and future boyfriends?
Her aunt might be less lonely if she learned better ways of relating to people!
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

That emotional blackmail is really passive aggressive. Teach your daughter that it is wrong and it is ok to refuse it!
You need to teach your daughter to trust her instincts in relationships.
You surely don't want her to accept this from friends and future boyfriends?
Her aunt might be less lonely if she learned better ways of relating to people!
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Sorry....Didnt mean to post twice!!!

I agree up to a point that children should be polite, sometimes have to tolerate family occasions that they find boring or annoying.

However she should not have to submit to unwanted kissing and touching, that doesn't seem right at all. I'm not suggesting any sinister or sexual motives on the aunt's part, but personal boundaries are important IMO. Can you or your MIL have a quiet word with the aunt and ask her not to do it?

I do think that it's good to train children to be kind to people, even if they are annoying. BUT, no one should be forced to submit to unwanted cuddles and kisses.

What I would do in this situation is rehearse with your DD how to refuse to hug in a pleasant but firm way. This is a skill that is useful to master as she will need to bring it into play in different situations in the future.

With her aunt, she can say laughingly, 'I'm 14 auntie -- I don't do hugs any more' and leave it at that. If her aunt is obese, she can hardly chase your daughter around the room! If she (the aunt) responds badly, then you can deal with that if and when it happens.

What Ephiny and FriendlyLadybird said. The touching/kissing may well not be sexual but that doesn't mean it's fine. It's as if she's trying to put her niece back into the baby-size box, denying her right to grow up. 14 is an age where it's really important to be allowed to have bodily autonomy. DD is far more likely to continue to visit relatives when she's an adult if her right not to be grabbed and slopped over is respected now.

Anyone remember Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, where they are in Hell and one of them is about to be smooched by his disgusting old granny (played by Joss Ackland iirc?!)? Don't do this to your DD!

In addition to the advice above could you create situations where the Auntie can be involved but at a distance. e.g. if your DD is in a school production she gets to come and watch. Otherwise what about a trip to the cinema with you sitting in between them so Auntie is doing something with your DD but your DD doesn't have to spend too much time actually interacting with her.

Your poor DD. I have a DN of 13 and I would never grab her or pat her on the bum. If she wants a hug they're always available :), but I'd never force one on her.