To hate living in new town and want to move back North? (And has anyone else ever regretted a move?)

[williaminajetfighter]

At the start of 2012 I moved with my family to Oxford from the North for an 'exciting job opportunity' and because I thought it would be a great place to raise kids and to be closer to London; I had visited as a tourist a few times and found it charming.

I have lived here for a year now and really dislike it. The town is small and relatively conservative; extremely expensive but very much divided between the haves and the have-nots (or better, those who have-less). The centre of the town is a no-go area for cars so one spends their time on ring roads around the city. The town is dead at night and there is little about it that is 'buzzy' or 'quirky'. Kids activities are fine but having been used to a large city of over 1m+ population, I miss the diversity and range of things to do. I should add that the shopping is dreadful unless you want to buy touristy items or over-priced jumpers and shoes. I have given it a good shot and have tried to get into a routine, go out and do lots of things.

I'm not trying to 'diss' Oxford for those living there who love it. There are a lot of lovely things (beautiful countryside, safe, close to London, good schools if you go private or live in the right area); it's just not for me and I just don't 'feel it'.

I feel like an idiot for moving here and for buying a property (rental costs were so high, I just thought it made sense to buy). I really do want to move back to where we were before. Has anyone else made the 'mistake' of moving somewhere only to discover it wasn't for them? If so did they stick it out and try to get used, did they plan a slow escape or did they just pick up sticks and leave? Experiences appreciated so I can decide what to do.

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I'm just slightly ashamed about the idea of moving back especially as extended family (who are in London) will think I'm bonkers. But at the end of the day they're not living my life and aren't here to help or experience what I am, so are really not in a position to judge!

I took a slight salary drop to take on my job and it turns out it's full-on and my manager never stops - emailing weekends, evenings etc. A lot of people have left due to her demands. So I've sort of jumped from the frying pan into the fire. It's the kind of envt that I worked in when I was in my 20s but not right now. That said, there are few jobs these days that are an 'easy ride' whatever the salary range, so a drop in salary doesn't guarantee that things might be easier!

Cheers everyone.

Hi OP, so sorry you're not happy where you are. My feeling would be that you and your children are more important than your extended family. Bugger what they think! They can stay in London if they like it!

The rest is a plea to the other MNers replying to this thread. Please, please don't turn this into a North vs South thread (which the OP didn't). There's nice places and not so nice places all over the country. There are nice people in the south and nasty people in the north and vice versa.

I'm sorry if I sound precious, I've just had an awful weekend with the in laws telling me that where I come from is nasty/unfriendly/expensive/awful, and that they don't like the people. It culminated with them involving the manager of the hotel we were in in this conversation. No-one stood up for me when he said that being from my part of the world was the worst insult anyone could throw at him.

Other than that, I do like my in laws, honest!

God yes. This year! Moved from London to Milton Keynes. Sold house, the lot! Rented, hated it. Sent me into deep depression. Honestly sent me insane. I've never ever felt so low, so useless, so outside of myself. I actually scared myself silly and dp. Moved back 8wks later. Restored mental health inside a month.

If its not right it's not right. Felt a prize prawn for mucking all about but price of my sanity was too much. Sometimes, what looks perfectly sensible and admirable on paper just doesn't work in life.

I'm a bit jealous of you, tbh. Oxon/Berks is my childhood home, and part of me would love to move back.

Then again DH's family live in Glasgow and I adore it up there, so I can see it from both sides...

See it as a temporary thing, and try to enjoy the experience while it lasts. Personally, I'm a bit prone to nostalgia, and even when I hate living somewhere there's usually something I miss about it when I leave!

I get it OP. I remember looking at houses to buy in Florence Park years ago and just thinking that there was nothing that made me want to live there and it was (to me) incredibly expensive compared to the North.

The only thing I would say is that it took me over 2 years of living in Oxford to feel like it was home but it did happen. Socialising and friendship-forming seemed different to bigger cities - lots of people living the villages who didn't go out in Oxford, seemed less common for groups of women to go out together without their partners.

What is it that you miss most about Glasgow? And what do the rest of your family think?

OP I've messaged you. I'm not wanting to inflame a north/ south divide thread but I (northener) spent an evening last week in a pub in NW england with my sister who is from london. We were all in a strange place due to unforseen circumstances. At the bar my sis was offered a glass of house red but wasnt sure, a lovely lass next to us said "I've just bought a bottle why don't you try some of this" . My sis commented she knew she was up north cos it would never happen in london & was geniunely touched.

I love Oxford but am probably going to be moving away for various reasons. Currently living in a village outside.

I rarely go into the city though - it's a real shame how the council force locals out of the centre (this is a deliberate policy and has been since the late 90s). The market towns in the county are great though - they benefit from people not going to Oxford.

I commute round the ring road and it is hideous - local traffic mixed with long-distance and the county council has no interest in improving the infrastructure.

The city is lovely to spend a day in, wandering around (and you can buy a whisk at Boswell's!), I shall be sorry to not be here but I don't get the best from it.

Don't know Glasgow well but it is MUCH bigger, so I'm not surprised you find Oxford small in comparison: certainly it's not a large city.

Who cares what anyone thinks! Move back! Living somewhere you don't like when you could be living somewhere you love is not worth it. Move back and come and tell us all about it! X

I moved from south London to Norfolk and absolutely love it.

I spent my whole life in London until then (6 years ago) but Norfolk feels more my home.

I think you either just love somewhere or you don't.

I posted the other day about the same kind of thing (except I moved from north to further north)

Its rubbish :-(

Moved from Glasgow to London and hated it at first.
I gave it two years.
Twenty plus years later and im still here and really happy.
Give it a chance op. if you still feel the same this time next year move home.

I used to live about 10min walk from you and am now in a small town not far away. Moved to Oxford after three years at uni in Leeds and it was a big change! But I grew up around Oxford so I knew what I was coming back to and I'm very happy where we are now.

That's me though, not you. If you hate it and have given it a good shot there's no shame in going back - in fact I think it would be braver to admit your mistake and go than to hang on in a place that makes you unhappy. Don't feel bad about it either, it's very hard to know what living somewhere in like just from visiting.

Hi 'Beatrice..' Your message made me smile. I couldn't believe that for 100k more than my beautiful 4-bed flat in Glasgow I could get a falling apart 3-bed house in relatively soulless Florence Park. But no point me banging on about the cost of living in the SE - that's a given! I do have a theory that the exteriors of many the nice houses in Oxford are lovely but inside people are sitting on futons and eating gruel because they have to pay 90% of their salary towards housing costs.

I am particularly freaked out about the way the University takes over the city and this bit is totally irrelevant but the difference in the students is stark. In Glasgow they wore black and looked slightly hungover. The students at Oxford dress like 40 year olds and do not look like they're having a good time especially many of the young girls with obvious eating disorders. But that is just my grumpy observation! I just like the grittiness and busy-ness of cities and I think Oxford is just too small. It's also ridiculously pricey and I think that limits who can live there!

Thanks for everyone's advice. For professional reasons I'm going to keep sticking it out and start looking for a job back north. I won't do anything rash like up and quit unless I get to breaking point.

I think if your manager is a bit of a tool, then all the more do you need somewhere that is really home to go to at the end of the day.

I do wonder if you might find commuting from London to Oxford better, although it's a notoriously awful train line.

Commuting from London to Oxford by train would cost a bomb - a season ticket is about 4k a year. Coach is 1k but you'd be bonkers to commute out of London IMHO.

Can't say I would want to live in Flo Park. DH used to live there and... meh. We are now in a village and I didn't think I was the type but I actually love it, have made a lot of close friends very quickly and people always happy to help out, feed each other's cats, etc.

But if it's not right it's not right.

we did the same thing fourteen years ago. Moved from Lancashire to a village in Oxfordshire. Long daily commute due to shit transport infrastructure from west oxon to Cowley. Hated it. Was miserable. Forced myself to stick it out. Was big culture shock. People were not as friendly. I felt like an alien. Missed the Northern sense of humour and openness. Stuck with it for a huge number of reasons, but moved to Essex and then Hertfordshire. Love where we live now. Often go back up North, but no longer refer to The North as 'home' because we are home. In the beautiful South.

Only managed 3 years in Oxon though. Never want to go back. Oxford massively overrated. Cambridge far far lovelier.

AutumnLights - now Lancashire is a lovely place! Finished my masters degree in Lancaster and miss the lovely walks by Lancaster Castle, the wonderful people and lovely countryside. It was definitely a wrench to leave there but was ages ago ('97).

hi OP, I moved out of London when my first child was born to where my partner is from. I was happy to try a change of scene and considered my self to have enough personal resources to be fine anywhere. T'was a big shock to me to find after a couple of years that i really wasn't fine and that I really hated where I had moved to. Its a smallish town with a reasonable amount going on but the cultural differences are huge- I find it really conservative and suffocating. I don't like to think of things in terms of regrets but i would say that I have learned a lot about myself and my values and that they are much more consistent with the city community I left than the community I now live within. In terms of sticking things out versus going home, I have decided to make a go of it here but I wont deny i have some pretty bleak moments. I am stubborn though and I am trying very hard to make it work here. No advice but i feel your pain.

William, it might just be an Oxford/oxon thing. I found the place unfriendly and soulless and not terribly receptive to anyone from outside. I've lived all over the place and there are lots of lovely, affordable, friendly places down south. Oxford aint one of 'em.

Good move to start looking for a new job. You need to feel like you fit in the place where you live. I moved to Oxford at the start of my professional career and thought I would love it - had lived there briefly; had friends and family in the area. I did not like it. I found it had all the disadvantages of a big city (cost, congestion, pollution) without the advantages. However I was starting to like it when I got a job somewhere else and moved away. I think I would have settled ok after a while. But I certainly never 'clicked' with it as I have with other places I've lived. Same in my current location, which I like but don't love after 17 years here. I feel I'm missing out on something. I miss the feeling of being truly at home somewhere.

OP, I'm in Glasgow and I'm just home from a great night out in Byres Road with eight friends (four couples) I was at uni with 20 years ago. Two live in London, and now want to move back up because of the whole school thing, and the other couple live in Australia, and despite the fact that it's pissed down every day since they've been here, also want to move back.

Glasgow rocks. YANBU.

I liveliest outside of Oxford in a small market town, and I love it, but you certainly have hit the nail on the head about Oxford city and describe it perfectly.

It might be nice one a year for a little trip in for dinner, but I don't find it good for much else.

Oxford is not a friendly city.
The villages and small towns are though.

I love going to the north (holiday there once a year at least), but likewise I wouldn't make a move there.
It's not always greener

I relocated and have always hated it, but it's now very difficult to move again, at least until DS finishes school. I try to make the best of it, but in all honesty I don't like living here.