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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to kill DH?

46 replies

LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:10

So had a fab day yesterday, visited family/friends and generally just had a lovely time.

That was until the last part of the night. We had spent the evening around the SIL's. It was just me, DH, SIL, and her bf.

Also had a nice time around there. SIL and her bf are friendly and made us feel very welcome.

DH was absolutely hammered but was being very loving. That is until the last ten minutes. DH suddenly sat with his arms crossed and a face like a smacked arse. We said our goodbyes...

And as soon as we got in the car to come home DH unleashed a torrent of abuse.

Apparently I only had eyes for SIL's bf. I fancied bf and had probably given him a blow job. I told him he was being an idiot.

The he went on and on about how his ex had had a thing for SIL's bf too.
So I told him he was turning into his father (DH always complains that his father always got drunk and caused fights which ruined xmas)

To which DH screamed 'F*K OFF, FK OFF, F*K off' and generally ranted about SIL's bf again.

Went to bed in stony silence and DH is still sleeping off his hangover.

So... AIBU to want to go up and either a) drench him. B) put a pillow over his face?

P.S am also 7 months pregnant with my first

OP posts:
peaceandlovebunny · 26/12/2012 12:14

I fancied bf and had probably given him a blow job.
surely you would have noticed? Xmas Grin

your dh is an abusive drunk, his father is the same and you are seven months gone.

you're thinking (even lightheartedly) of murder.

i want you to think about this. then quietly, when life gets back to normal in a couple of days, plan your escape route. you need to be out, safe, before the baby comes.

next year, the baby might well be listening as his dad punches the life right out of you.

i speak as a woman who had a four year old sleeping upstairs as my then husband tried to kill me. the mental scars caused by the thought of my baby coming down in the morning to find her mother's body are still with me.

Whistlingwaves · 26/12/2012 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 26/12/2012 12:16

Yep, he's appalling and you need to think very seriously about leaving.

Bobyan · 26/12/2012 12:18

Don't kill him, replace him.

He's clearly sub-prime.

curiousuze · 26/12/2012 12:19

Has he been like this before OP?

WinklyVersusTheZombies · 26/12/2012 12:19

It's a very bad sign that he's that jealous and aggressive. It's worse that his behaviour seems to have escalated so dramatically during your pregnancy. Your post is very worrying.

Original poster
LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:20

peaceandlove I am so sorry to hear that, it's absolutely awful and well done you for getting away Sad

But honestly I don't mean to sound in denial but I really don't think he would ever raise his hand to me. He really isn't like that...four years going and he has never done anything like this.

He does have a few jealousy issues occasionally but I generally just tell him to 'do one' if he gets wound up.

And lol Whistling yes I do 'feel' like it. I think because I was having such a great day and now looking back all I can think about is how shocked/mad he made me.

OP posts:
Xales · 26/12/2012 12:21

So you are heavily pregnant with your first and he picks this time to show this lovely side of his personality. I have read on here that there is evidence that men start revealing the nastier side they have during pregnancy.

When he is awake and sober you need to sit down and have a serious chat and let him know that this is unacceptable and it stops NOW. No arguments, no distracting onto the bullshit of you and the other guy, no other bull shit excuses. It stops NOW.

Stay aware of his behavior and as Peace says if you think he is anything other than 100% nice get out.

How is he with you in general?

CailinDana · 26/12/2012 12:27

In your shoes I would sit him down and say that seeing as alcohol clearly turns him into an aggressive unreasonable twat you expect him to stop drinking from now on. If he says no or avoids the issue, or blames you for what happened then I'm afraid you know right now that this relationship isn't going to work. Whether you listen to that and do something about it is up to you.

Original poster
LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:30

Xales In general he is lovely and kind, we were best mates for years before we became an item. He does have a few jealousy issue that I mentioned...but am starting to worry a bit now actually as yes, I suppose they have become more noticeable since being pg.

I only really noticed because I figured his insecurites would not be as bad because I am blatantly pregnant and not running after other men!

OP posts:
BerryChristmas · 26/12/2012 12:33

Well, I wouldn't be there when he woke up. I'd be gone.

festivelyfocussed · 26/12/2012 12:34

Poor thing. Sorry to sound like a drama queen but I'm with peaceandlove on this one. Even if u feel things won't escalate it's with having a chat with someone like women's aid and thinking about how you might move on if you needed to. No one thinks their dp will turn out to harm them because even the most abusive men don't need to use their controlling techniques initially (imagine the first date with someone who did!!!) also, abusive controlling behaviour can often start or escalate during pregnancy.
All the best with your new year and your pregnancy.

CailinDana · 26/12/2012 12:35

Berry I doubt you would really. The OP is 7 months pregnant and she is in shock over what happened.

Are you going to talk to him Looking?

BinksToEnlightenment · 26/12/2012 12:39

I would definitely put it to him that he is never to drink to excess again.

I find that drunkenness brings out the extremes in a person. Sometimes it may be generosity, or silliness, or moping, or that they're vehemently jealous of imaginary situations.

Watch him.

Original poster
LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:41

You really think it might happen?

I love him to bits but am already feeling 'mother tigress' over my bump so would never put up with that.

I'm in a pretty good situation. Huge family and strong support ties, so wouldn't be stuck. I just can't see it though, he really isn't the type?

I thought all blokes got a bit jealous sometimes (although obviously last night was dickheadish). Might be being naive I guess DH was my first serious relationship (pretty much just had flings up until my 20's)

Although DH is 10 years older than me and has a daughter from a previous relationship. So wouldn't I have heard about it if he behaved like this before?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/12/2012 12:41

Binks - I would insist on no drink at all, ever. If he says no, then clearly he want to drink more than he wants not to hurt the OP. That would say it all for me.

peaceandlovebunny · 26/12/2012 12:42

i'd say 'talk to him/make him give up drinking' except that he only needs to get drunk once more to go from verbal abuse to physical. and certainly don't make any kind of physical attack on him at all.

if you can't bring yourself to walk away, at least make plan b. put money, documents (including evidence of his earnings) on one side - and i mean a secret bank account with enough in for you to live on for a while, and documents hidden at your mother's house without telling her (or anyone except a friend - they tell), and have the contact numbers of rescues and have a spare phone and simcard. you need to be able to leave in a hurry. like, when he's banging on the bathroom door and you're in there with a terrified child...

Original poster
LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:43

Yes I am definitely going to give him a 'talking' to when he gets up!

The drinking is going to be a big no no if this how he will act

to be honest it made me feel a bit sick

OP posts:
everlong · 26/12/2012 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 26/12/2012 12:44

He might never do this again OP (though I wouldn't bank on it). His reaction this morning will tell you a lot. He might be profusely sorry, but unless he's actually willing to take action (and for me that would be stopping drinking) then it's all just hot air.

BerryChristmas · 26/12/2012 12:45

CailinDana - well, you must think you know me better than I know myself! Been there, done that, got out.

You know the old saying - "what they really are like will be escalated when drunk".

tabulahrasa · 26/12/2012 12:46

Getting a bit jealous sometimes would be commenting that you were a bit flirty with someone - not accusing you of giving someone a blow job and giving you a torrent of abuse Hmm

That's not normal 'bloke' behaviour...if that's how drinking makes him I'd be asking him not to drink tbh.

BinksToEnlightenment · 26/12/2012 12:46

I agree that the drinking question is an acid test for his feelings about this.

Original poster
LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:47

He is still unconcious at the minute.

And I'd never actually kill/hit him or anyone! lol I'll readily admit I felt like it though.

He has been jealous when he is sober but its more of a 'soppy' kind if you can understand that. No he is never nasty usually. Last night was the first time I had really seen 'nasty' side to DH. Think thats why it shocked me so much

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardToMarch · 26/12/2012 12:48

I'll update when he gets up and I can get back on.

It's another round of relative visiting...but I'm leaving him out of it lol.

OP posts:
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