To make my daughter have Christmas on a different day?

[alisunshine29]

I have 2 daughters aged 5 years and 7 months. DD1's father and I divorced over 3 years ago and since then he has had her for 3 out of 4 Christmasses. He has a big family and they have a lovely Christmas there whereas my DH often works on Christmas day and I have no family so if DD1 stayed here it'd be just me and the two girls. This year DH is working til the 28th so I let DD1's father have her and the four of us will have Christmas when she returns. I was talking to a mum at school about this who is also divorced from her first childs father and she was very surprised and said she and her subsequent child have Christmas whether DC1 is there or not. She said she thinks my DD2 will resent having to wait for Christmas when she gets older. In my opinion, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if the four of us weren't together and I hope DD2 will grow up to agree and want to spend it with DD1 whatever day that means it falls on. AIBU?

Why can't she just have 2 Christmases? This seems rather bizarre tbh.

she might be right as your child gets older, but maybe you could even have it earlier rather than later, which might be more acceptable to an excited child. Have it on the solstice, or on xmas eve

if she is only 7 months olds. I doubt if she will worry this year.but making her wait in a couple of years will be a bit mean

Sorry, Id be well pissed if I was your dd2. It isnt her fault.

So aswell as getting less presents (not your fault), she has to wait for Christmas too?

You are really, really wrong.

if the DD who has to wait is 7months, then yanbu - she won't even know !

think i would do 2 christmases

I'd be pissed off if I were your DD2, too.

My dad used to work at Christmas when we were children, we still had Christmas on Christmas Day. We opened presents before he went to work, if he was on days or when he got in from work if he had been on nights in Christmas Eve.

Whether it's an early or late Christmas depends on DH's shifts/when school finishes. Next year DH is off from 19th - 24th and school finishes on 20th so we'll have Christmas on 22nd.

So for those saying I'm wrong - you think DD2 should have Christmas on Christmas day even if that means not spending it with her dad or sister? DH works 7.30am-7.30pm and is then on call so opening presents before/after isn't an option.

You sound like a very considerate Mum to me, letting your older DD do what is best for her, even though it stops you seeing her at Christmas, which can't be nice for you. I think waiting this year, when your DD2 is so young is fine, and I am sure you will adjust the arrangements to suit both girl's as they grow and things change!

Why don't you alternate your DD1 going to her dad's so that she's with you and her sister for one year and with her dad and his family the following year, and so on. Do this whether or not your DH is working because you can't write off Christmas just because one person isn't there - it's always on 25th December, there's no changing that. If your DH is working on Xmas day the three of you have Christmas Day together then have another Christmas meal etc the earliest day after that when your DH isn't working. Either that or your DD1 goes to her dad on Xmas eve until Xmas day afternoon when she comes back to you, then vice versa the following year.

Imagining a small child being made to wait for Christmas presents, Christmas lunch etc for an extra 3 or 4 days makes me feel quite sad tbh. This year she won't notice but her sister will which could start to disrupt the 'balance of power' between them, and your youngest will notice from next year onwards.

I think making your DD2 wait for Christmas Day is unacceptably mean and you and your DH, as the parents, need to come to an arrangement whereby your DDs both get the Christmas Day they deserve.

You can do something special to mark Christmas Day, without actually 'doing' Christmas.

You can still watch Santa on NORAD and have him fill a stocking on Christmas Eve/Day, and then swop family presents when you are all together.

Circumstances may have changed by the time your dd2 is old enough to know the difference anyway.

I don't think not will matter till dd is at least 3/4

If DD2 isn't at her fathers for Christmas she misses out on seeing his family. If I had to work Christmas day I'd be incredibly sad that my family were having Christmas without me as DH would be. Splitting the day isn't an option as DH works 5 days on 5 days off. In my opinion, kids this young have no real concept of the date Christmas should be. It being about family being together should be more important than celebrating on the same day as the rest of the world.

Yes DD2 and I would still have a special day on Christmas day but would save putting pies out for Santa and waking up to presents etc til DD1 came home.

At 7 months its nit an issue. Even next year it won't be. Ds is 21 months and doesn't really get Christmas.

But I think the women maybe right in future. When the baby is older it will difficult.

At 7 months she won't notice, but I agree that you have to start alternating christmas day with your ex. Why should he get her every christmas day, just because he has a bigger family? It's time to think about your own christmas traditions and finding a way to do it around your dh's shifts - maybe the main meal christmas eve and opening presents or at least some before he goes. softkitty's suggestions are good. Your youngest may start to resent her sisters christmas's being a priority over hers as they get older. It's also not fair on your eldest to never experience christmas day with you.

I think once dd2 is about 3 you may have to think about something else. My mums partners family have christmas on boxing day as he works christmas eve, spends christmas with my family and travels to his on boxing day and his family all wait for him to open presents and have a second big family meal with whole family in attendence. My mum goes with him. They do this every second year.

But she does experience Christmas day with me - we told her Santa understands that DH does an important job and has to work Christmas day sometimes and that he's happy to bring presents when daddy isn't working so we can have Christmas day then. It seems petty to prevent my ex from having her for the sake of being 'fair' and alternating. That way DD1 potentially misses Christmas there altogether. This way she has two Christmasses either way. If I was DD2 I would rather have waited til my dad and sister was there rather than just have it with my mum.

As your DD1 will be getting two christmas days, then why not give your DD2 two christmas days aswell?? surely thats fair? otherwise your DD1 will get two loads of Santa/family/food/etc and DD2 will only ever get the one, which seems a bit unfair as an adult, so will be a massive gulf to a child (when she is a little older obviously).

dubs raises an excellent point. When they get older one child will be having 2 Christmases the other won't.

That's not fair.

DD2 doesn't care at her age, so this year YANBU.

In future she may care, so I assume you will review the situation. Maybe let DD2 have a mini Christmas, with enough presents to keep her happy on the proper day and then do your family Christmas when DD1 and DH are available to join in.

I think you are pretty awesome letting your DD1 have the best Christmas that can be offered rather than selfishly keeping her to yourself.

Have a good one.

I don't have any family to provide though. Would have a special day but can't afford to buy her twice as many presents so she can have two Christmasses and her having fewer presents to open when her sister has lots wouldn't be fair either.

I thinks its fine. Do what suits your family best, just review what that is every year. This year we are having one Christmas on Christmas Day and a second Christmas 6 days later. Unless you are a Christian then CD is just a random date, the only reason to celebrate is that everyone is on holiday. If your DH has to work, having it on another day seems logical.

this year is fine she is a baby she wont know I think it is fine this year probably next as she will be a toddler, My friend did xmas different days when her sons were away and had 2 some years, just go for it your eldest dd will have a lovely time when she gets back and sata has come agaim