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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my friends would stop judging my Christmas arrangements.

36 replies

teacherandguideleader · 24/12/2012 13:01

DP and I are not spending Christmas together, in fact we never have. He will go to his parents and I will go to my mum's. In an ideal world we would alternate, but I am my mum's only relative - if I go elsewhere she is on her own, and I would not enjoy myself knowing that.

So, DP and I came to the decision we would just go to our separate parents so we don't upset anyone.

When my friends ask what me and DP are doing, I mention our plans (without giving detail about why) and get pitying looks. It is assumed that our relationship must be 'rocky' if we don't want to spend the day together and that it is really strange.

AIBU to think they should just keep their opinions to themselves?

OP posts:

ChocolateCoins · 24/12/2012 13:04

If I didn't have DD I woulddo exactly the same. Actually if it was down to me I would anyway! DP is a miserable bastard and doesnt like Christmas.

YANBU. Ignore you're friends. They are probably just jealous that you donthave to spend a day with your in laws every other year!

MrsMushroom · 24/12/2012 13:05

I don't think you're odd but I do wonder why you don't invite them all to yours? That might be more in the spirit of things I suppose. Your Mum and his parents could come to yours for the day.

OneWellAndTrulyCrackeredMummy · 24/12/2012 13:05

Your plans are nobody else's business, but could you not go to both parents on Christmas Day or invite them to you?

ChocolateCoins · 24/12/2012 13:05

Sorry about the horrific spelling and typos!

NickNacks · 24/12/2012 13:05

Why don't you invite everyone to yours?

Then you all get to spend it with everyone :)

MagicHouse · 24/12/2012 13:06

YABU to bother what your friends think! Maybe it would signal that their relationships would be "rocky" if they had separate Christmases. Do they actually talk about it? Or do you just get looks? Most people would want to be with their partners at Christmas, (you say yourself "in an ideal world we would alternate") so wondering if you're ok about it is entirely a normal reaction!
Aside from all that, what you do sounds great if you are all happy with it, and it's lovely that you care about your mum. Just keep smiling. Good friends just want you to be happy.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 24/12/2012 13:06

Never going to happen

rightly or wrongly it really is seen as weird.

People do think that families should be together at christmas. And family is your nuclear family as your inner circle and your relatives as your outer circle. And it is seen as weird to split up your inner circle in favour of your outer circle.

if that makes any sense

But you're right. It is nobody's business but yours.

Tell them to butt out?

Moominsarehippos · 24/12/2012 13:07

I am going to a desert island next year.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2012 13:07

Invite all parents to yours for Christmas?
How long have you been a couple, OP?

FestiveElement · 24/12/2012 13:11

I doubt they are judging you negatively, they probably just think it's a bit odd.

Which is understandable, because tbh, it is a bit odd. Most couples in committed relationships like having time at Christmas to spend together, so it's not that you're wrong, it's just that you're unusual.

CooEeeEldridge · 24/12/2012 13:13

In same boat as you op, my dad is still around but my parents have no one else. Me and partner both only children. Our parents simply would not get on, it would just be AWFUL! So we do the same, I don't like it, never enjoy Christmas Day (and never have really) but what can you do?

Isabeller · 24/12/2012 13:17

I imagine you next year having the following conversation

"What are you doing for Christmas?"

"We are having 2 Christmases, each seeing our parents on 25th and having our own romantic Christmas on .... in Paris!"

friend =

whois · 24/12/2012 13:21

We have the same arrangement as you OP.

My DP's family only really make demands on his time at Xmas and its the one time of year they all make it back together. All adults and grown up in his family.

I'm closer to my family and see them more often and love Xmas at my family as there are small children (my nephews) who i don't see as much as i should and good food and, well, I just really like my family.

So we both go our separate ways at Christmas. I'd be happy to alternate but DP doesn't want to miss seeing his family (they are there for Xmas eve to Boxing Day only) and I don't want to do some sort of crap leaving on Xmas morning compromise like I've done before.

We live together so spend evey other day together. Not going to hurt us by being away from each other for 2 nights.

If we had children I think I would feel differently.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/12/2012 13:27

How long have you been together and have you got any children? My DH is an only child too so we used to do this before we were married. Now we invite everyone to ours. It's unusual of course but not that unusual if you are quite young and don't yet have children.

Sallyingforth · 24/12/2012 13:30

We're doing the same.
Visiting our parents separately on the day, but having a dirty romantic trip away together for New Year.

Jingleallthejay · 24/12/2012 13:34

get better friends imo they are just being mean and maybe a bit jealous that they have to do what everybody else wants on christmas day

peaceandlovebunny · 24/12/2012 13:40

your business, not there's.

AlwaysWantingMore · 24/12/2012 13:51

YANBU. We only recently started spending Christmas together after 8 years. It wouldnt really bother me if we didn't. Your Christmas, your business!

Original poster

teacherandguideleader · 24/12/2012 14:07

We don't have children (yet) so that is not an issue. In the future, I expect we will all get together, probably if/when there are children but at the moment logistically that is not possible.

Am glad we are not the only ones who do this!

OP posts:

wherearemysocka · 24/12/2012 14:08

I think it shows a security that you don't need to be joined at the hip all the time. For what it's worth, we do the same. I think he'd like to visit both sets of parents but it would involve spending half the festive period in the car.

His parents are nice people but I want to feel comfortable and relaxed at Christmas and I do still feel on show a little with them even after 5 years. We wake up Christmas morning together, go our separate ways and then see each other again Boxing Day. Works for us.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake · 24/12/2012 14:10

Before kids, we did the same thing, far less hassle!!

ItsaTIARA · 24/12/2012 14:28

I know loads of childfree couples who spend Xmas with their own parents and siblings, seems normal to me.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 24/12/2012 14:45

Seems entirely sensible to me. DS Dad and I don't have a couple-relationship; for the first 4 years of DS being here I was at my parents' and he went to his parents, we have had a couple of Christmases of me taking DS down to his paternal grandparents, but the past couple of years the paternal grandparents have gone on a cruise, so DS and I go to my mother's (my dad died last summer) and DS dad spends Christmas in his own preferred fashion: in bed with beer and a ready meal. Everyone is happy and there's nothing wrong with that.

soontobeburns · 24/12/2012 14:51

Me and my fiance are apart today. He he coming to my grandparents tomorrow at 1 for Xmas dinner and home at 6 to his parents.

This is the first year I have managed to even see him on Christmas.

Your friends ABU.

EuroShagmore · 24/12/2012 14:53

We did this until we got married. Now we invite my parents and his mum (who is on her own). His dad spends Xmas at a big gathering of family and friends so I don't feel like we need to worry about them.

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