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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inconsiderate neighbour

49 replies

Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 05:58

I have a neighbour who comes outside for a dag at least once an hour thought the night every night and stands underneath our bedroom window.
When its cold enough to have all windows shut it is fine as I don't hear or smell it, but during the summer and recently because its mild the window is open and I get woken by it regulary.

It has got me to te point of tears and many times have me or my DH asked him polish to not come out after 11am and before 7am.
To which he responds very apologetically and says he won't, but he carries on anyway.

Then speaking with a friend who is also friends with this neighbour, he tells us that neighbour is annoyed at us for asking him to stop when the land he stands on to do it is shared and therefore we are ring unreasonable in asking.

I want this to now stop for good. At one point it got so bad we had te house valued and were about to put it on the market.

Do I confront him again face to face or write him a letter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 05:59

*dag = fag btw

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 24/12/2012 06:02

Can he move away from your window?

LoopsInHoops · 24/12/2012 06:03

Or can you close your window? Not ideal in summer but it can't bother you so much if having your window open in December matters more.

KeatsiePie · 24/12/2012 06:04

Agree with Loops, I would not be okay with being asked not to come outside between certain times, but would certainly stand someplace else.

MammaTJ · 24/12/2012 06:07

Have a bucket of cold water at the ready. Shout 'fire' and pour it out of the window every time he lights up under it. Grin

LtXmasEve · 24/12/2012 06:10

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do here. It's the price you pay for having neighbours. I'm surprised at how regularly he come out, and how much noise he can make having a cigarette though? Is it really that bad?

You could talk to him, and ask if he could stand elsewhere, rather than ask him not to to outside. But if he says no (which he is entitled to do) then there isn't much else you can do.

Maybe you should move if it's upsetting you this much.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 06:10

He can quite easily go out the front of his building between these hours.

For him to come out the back (where the bins are stored for the flats and our house) is a postage stamp size peice of land with walls either side, one being the flats the he lives in and one being our house.

This makes the acoustics much worse, so not only do I get woken up by the smell, the door going, then the scratching of his lighteryltiple times, him coughing away, and then the bin lid going are all very noisy and sound like its happening in my room.

I don't think I should have to close my window when its warm and muggy just to allow him to smoke when there is elsewhere to go

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 24/12/2012 06:12

Yeah but he is allowed to, it's not up to you. Therefore you need to decide if you prefer sleep, no smell and closed windows or to keep them open.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey · 24/12/2012 06:13

YABU, understandably tho, you may dislike him smoking, however he isn't doing anything wrong or illegal.

CurrentBun · 24/12/2012 06:15

Is he stood under your window on YOUR land or on his own and the smell is wafting over?

RooneyMara · 24/12/2012 06:26

Shoot to kill, as someone else might say Smile but seriously, I think you have two options - wait for him to move/die/stop doing it of his own accord, or move house.

I would go crazy if this was happening here. I completely understand but I don't think you can stop him and escalating it further might make him worse.

Sorry you are going through this. (are you down under btw?)

Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 06:33

Not down under. Just recently awoken, for the 6th time since ging to bed :(

Why on earth would he be so apologetic and then keep doing it?

Is rather just have a frank conversation with him.

I was in tears the last time I spoke to him, which happened to be about this time of morning after no sleep what so ever

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 06:36

He definitley won't be moving anytime soon. His brother owns the flat a d gives it to him rent free.

It's such a shame as this has been my dream house for years and when we first moved in everything was perfect.

You'd think by buying a detached cottage that you don't have problems with noise.
Just didn't ever consider that one day someone might live into the flats nearby and use the common area for smoking all hours of the day

OP posts:
RooneyMara · 24/12/2012 06:36

Talk to him when you are calm. If possible.

ask him if there's a reason why he can't go to the other bit and smoke there.

Good luck but I honestly think he is unlikely to change his habits, if he hasn't one so already. It doesn't make any sense.

LtXmasEve · 24/12/2012 06:40

Why on earth would he be so apologetic and then keep doing it?

Because he's an addict. His need to smoke trumps your need to have your window open (in his eyes). There is nothing wrong with you talking to him, but if your 'frank conversation' is likely to get his back up, he may end up disturbing you more "Who does she think she is telling me what to do?"

Sorry, lack of sleep is a bitch, but rather than antagonising my neighbours I think I'd keep my window closed, my bedroom heating off and invest in a fan for air circulation (it's what we do to avoid next doors howling bastard dog).

RooneyMara · 24/12/2012 06:41

Yes it sounds heartbreaking. The thing is these things DO eventually stop.
When we moved here I was a bit worried to find that the house next door is a residence for people who have severe MH problems .

For the first year or two we had some issues. There wasn't a proper boundary so some people would lean over our garden wall and try and talk to my children, who were small and sometimes undressed in the summer - not that I thought they were interested in that aspect but it was a big invasion of privacy. I put up a fence, and had to talk to the manager several times before it was sorted out. But it was. we're left alone now, mostly.

the other thing that was wrong - and this is ironic considering your post - is that on the day we moved in, the smoking laws for the NHS changed. ON that day! And what did they do, instead of having people smoking in a room in the house, they built a smoking shelter, RIGHT outside our front door, and just over the wall!

Honestly the pong was horrendous, all weathers, day and night. Not noisy but we couldn't open the door or window without it coming in.

I did say something, I made it clear how unfair it seemed to have their nice fresh house indoors and make the residents smoke next to our house, where there are children, but anyway, 2 years later they finally knocked the bloody thing down and now we rarely get anyone smoking in that bit.

Eventually, as I said...all bad things come to an end. You might have a long wait though.

Meandmycats · 24/12/2012 06:59

I don't think yabu, as I remember when my older brother came to stay with us one year and he used to stand on the back step and smoke directly underneath my bedroom window. The smell was horrendous. It made me feel properly ill. I was a child then so didn't say anything but as an adult I think I'd have to.

What would he do if every time he went out and woke you up you called out of the window 'hi, sorry to bother you but you've just woken me up and I really can't stand the smell of the smoke. Please can you smoke somewhere else?'

I mean literally, every time he does it. He might get annoyed but hopefully he might get the picture and find somewhere else to smoke just so he doesn't have you nagging him every hour!

Gooseysgirl · 24/12/2012 07:11

OP you need to think of a subtle way to make it really unpleasant for him to stand there?? Have to say even as someone who enjoys a ciggie once in awhile this would also reduce me to tears. At least with the smell you can close the window but it's the noise he's making that would be driving me insane... So so unfair. We rent, and left our last flat because of other people banging doors all night long in the building. Our current flat has no lift and we are two flights up with a baby but every time I climb those steps I just think how thankful I am for our new quiet considerate neighbours.

KeatsiePie · 24/12/2012 09:21

Sorry if I missed it but have you actually asked him to do it someplace else? Iirc. from your op. you've only asked him to not come out between 11 pm and 7 am?

If you've asked him to smoke elsewhere and he said no ... what about a bunch of giant flowerpots and so forth in the way?

sooperdooper · 24/12/2012 09:25

Can you ask him to smoke at the front instead? Our neighbour does this too, only he insists on smoking out the front and the smoke comes into our living room :(

Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 09:25

Have asked him to smoke outside the front of the building rather than out the back where we are.

I smoke too, but can't stand smelling it or hearing it in bed. I'm no anti smoking snob

OP posts:
LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 24/12/2012 09:29

Move bedrooms. I'm assuming you have another?

You can't stop him so you need to change your behaviour. In my last house we slept at the back and moved to front as the neighbours security light kept coming on and waking me.

Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 24/12/2012 09:32

It's a 1.5 bedroom house, so have the only bedroom that can fit a double

Guess we will be moving next spring time then

OP posts:
polkadotsrock · 24/12/2012 09:40

Yep, I'm with Laurie on this one. Assuming your dream home has more than one bedroom I'd get myself shifted into that. May not be ideal but its better than no sleep and it seems he isn't willing to be flexible/compromise

polkadotsrock · 24/12/2012 09:41

Grr, cross posts!! Ok, if you really can't bear just keepin the window closed then move it is, or a serious layout re-jig