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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by insensitive/thoughtless h?

37 replies

Whosaysitstheseasontobejolly · 23/12/2012 23:38

I have bought every gift this year, for family (both sides h and mine), and friends (both sides).

I have bought the kids gifts, his gifts and even my gifts from Santa.

I said to my h 2 weeks ago, all you have to do is buy me a surprise gift up to £20.

Tonight he said to me where's your present? And I said you are joking? What did I ask you? And he said oh I thought you were being tongue in cheek about "surprise" thought you'd just buy it.

I said no I wasn't one thing you can do is buy me a present.

Well what do you want then, what am I to go and buy.

I said you're not getting this "surprise" part are you I said you are meant to think ooh I know what my wife likes, let me get her a lovely gift.

So he's gone off to bed muttering about that he'll have to "waste his lunchhour looking for a gift now".

AIBU to be upset by his lack of caring about me?

OP posts:
cazboldy · 23/12/2012 23:40

no yanbu......join the club Sad

musicmaiden · 23/12/2012 23:41

YANBU whatsoever Sad

polkadotsrock · 23/12/2012 23:42

If this is what u normally do - i.e. sort all gifts including ur own, then he just expected that to happen this year too. I'm not saying its particularly nice of him but I can see how it could happen. Don't over think it and just enjoy whatever it is he wisely uses his lunch hour to buy you

BertieBotts · 23/12/2012 23:44

Waste his lunch hour? Nice. I'd be upset too OP.

StuntGirl · 23/12/2012 23:46

What the actual bollocks is it with these people who put no care or thought into gifts for other people but are perfectly happy to receive them themselves?

OP YADNBU he sounds very inconsiderate, and his under-the-breath mutterings make it worse. I really do not buy into this "some people don't do presents" bollocks; its Christmas, people exchange gifts, so fucking well get your loved ones a gift.

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:48

What you really want to know, IMO, is what your DH actually thinks of you, does he know you, what kind of a person does he think you are, does he know you well enough to know what you'd like?

Does that suggest you feel a bit distant from him?

Could he be paying you more attention?

Now's a good time to let him know really how you feel if you're both off.

It is unkind of him to begrudge going out to find you a pressie after the disappointment he must have seen on your face.

He's making it about him, when it should be about you.

MajesticWhine · 23/12/2012 23:56

He is being an arse to complain about it. You could give him a list if ideas though, if he is bad at presents generally. Otherwise you could be setting him up to fail.

Damash12 · 24/12/2012 00:04

Yanbu- It really upsets me when they can't be arsed to get something that we haven't had to get ourselves or hint at a million times. I work my arse off planning something that will surprise Dh and he leaves it til the very last minute to suddenly think about something for me. It's not the monetary amount it's about thought, and respect. Hope he does spend his dinner hour getting you something lovely! :-)

beamme · 24/12/2012 00:06

I wish ywnbu but it seems like some men can be like this, like my DH. If you've been with him a while then unfortunately yabu.
My DH can be a bit crap at gift giving and there have been years that I have bought my own presents. But we've been together 12 years so now realise he will always be crap and needs help.
This year we have a tiny budget and I have told him 2 dvd/cd/books that I want and to get me 1 of each. I even put the choices on his Amazon wish list so he wouldn't forget. I then asked for some perfume, his choice. It will be interesting to see what I get but I know he's got me something.
We start talking about presents in November and I do have to remind him, subtle hints like "oooo I've just got you another present, have you started on mine yet?"

KeatsiePie · 24/12/2012 00:19

I just do not understand that. It just seems strange to me that it wouldn't occur to him to think of getting you a present, even if you hadn't said to do it. (And YANBU.)

Do you guys think this is something that happens more with men once there are children (b/c the adults have less free time than before and also the focus of Christmas is on the kids), or is it more that if your husband always wanted to come up with presents for you he will continue to do so once you have a family, and if he never did he never will?

pinkbraces · 24/12/2012 00:21

Why do you do it all?

beamme · 24/12/2012 00:24

KeatsiePie my DH has always been forgetful when it comes to birthdays and christmas presents.

In his defense his parents are awful and either get the dates wrong or completely forget every year. I have learned tonag give gentle reminders to avoid disappointment.

KeatsiePie · 24/12/2012 05:13

beamme I see ... yeah, it seems like it would be really hard for your DH to learn, so to speak, how to not be forgetful, think of really good presents, etc., b/c he wasn't raised to think of it as intrinsically important. That's interesting. There are things that my DH just can't learn to think of as important that I think are also tied to his upbringing ... so I have learned that I have to accommodate that unless it's something insanely important to me as otherwise he'd be miserable feeling like his take on everything is wrong.

(I hope you don't mind having to do the nagging reminder-giving too much Xmas Wink)

joanofarchitrave · 24/12/2012 05:35

A lot of people would prefer neither getting nor giving presents at all... my dh still waxes lyrical about the Christmas his brother and he gave each other a handshake for Christmas. Would he prefer it if you didn't give each other presents? Why not do that every other year?

exoticfruits · 24/12/2012 06:32

YANBU
I would tell him that next year you are not doing it all.

QuietNinjaChristmasSpecial · 24/12/2012 09:59

I've bought all presents for both families and dh couldn't be arsed to get me a present. Next year he can sort his family out as he's really pissed me off about it. I bought his in August. Yanbu

cheekybaubles · 24/12/2012 10:07

Yanbu, it is thoughtless and mean.

LondonElfInFestiveCheerBoots · 24/12/2012 12:01

YANBU. I have checked with DP this morning if he had got me anything, and when he said no, told him to do so. He was very obedient and I know that that is where his lunch hour is being 'wasted' today.

After your H's response, I would return each and every one of his presents and make sure your gift tags all read 'from Whosays' only, making it clear he had nothing to do with the buying of the presents, and probably return all his family and friends presents, and write them a card saying 'Sorry you have no presents but your son/brother was too fucking bone idle to think of anything or get anything so take it up with him'.

This may, however, be a disproportionate response. I would still do it though.

buggerama · 24/12/2012 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chris481 · 24/12/2012 12:07

If my wife expected me to buy her a present, I would spend several hours/days of my life miserably trying to come up with something good, fail, and we would both end up unhappy.

Expectation is an unfair burden to place on someone if there's no chance of success.

Having said that, in this case I don't know if it's unreasonable to expect him to get something, if she genuinely doesn't care what she gets as long as its a surprise, and he knows that, then that would eliminate most of the dread I would be feeling if I were him.

chris481 · 24/12/2012 12:08

Or maybe not. My natural peferectionist tendencies would make me want to try and get something good no matter what I'd been told.

chris481 · 24/12/2012 12:09

Most ironic spelling mistake ever.

LondonElfInFestiveCheerBoots · 24/12/2012 12:14

chris481 my issue with OP's H, and my impression of the OP's issue, is his huffing over the 'inconvenience' of having to get something and wasting his lunch hour. How hard is it to get a pretty jewellery set, or pair of shoes, or scarf, or really fancy box of chocolates for your partner (or something like that, this is how I am reading the OP's wants)! I don't mind what DP gets me for Christmas, I just want him to have thought about what I might like or need, as I have done for him. As long as its not an industrial strength BO removing spray or a plastic paper bag to put over my head or something Xmas Grin.

Laquitar · 24/12/2012 12:43

YANBU OP especially as you have told him '£20 max'. I can understand it if someone doesn't want to take a risk for £200 but in your dh's case its £20.

This always puzzles me, why other men can do surprises, nice gifts, romantic gestures and British men claim that they 'cant'? Where does this come from?

ChristmasNamechangeBridezilla · 24/12/2012 12:50

YANBU, that does sound a bit thoughtless. My dh is great at presents, always manages to find me something lovely and shops for his side of the family. Who are all these helpless men? They must have had years of present buying practice before getting married surely?