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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give the presents I have bought from exH as well?

37 replies

BrusselSproutsFartyPants · 23/12/2012 23:23

ExH has hardly seen the DC since August. Last week he started having them over night again once a week and DD3 during the day every other week.

He is having to move and as he doesn't know them very well anymore, his words, he wants to give me half the money I have spent on presents and say they are from both of us. I don't want to do this.

I don't really know why but it just doesn't feel right. The DDs know that he has had other girlfriends since we split 2.5 years ago so I don't think they would take that as a sign we are getting back together.

I think part of it is that I took the time to think about presents that the DDs would like and then went out, or stayed in on internet, and bought them but her has not made any effort at all.

He wasn't happy when I said no and is going to sort something else out but I feel bad now, he has a way or making me feel guilty or stressed!

I think I have added all details as I don't want to drip feed. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 23/12/2012 23:26

YANBU, to get credit for nice things time and love have to be put in to them not just money thrown at them.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 23/12/2012 23:26

I'd do what he suggests. The presents aren't about you; they're about what's best for your DDs.

Then you can do something nice with the unexpected money!

HollyBerryBush · 23/12/2012 23:26

Take his money and put it in the bank or buy premium bonds with it.

Make one of your middling presents from him.

Sorted.

MrsFlibble · 23/12/2012 23:27

Its been nearly 4 years since my ex and I split, and we would never by gifts together, hes a father, a grown man and perfectly capable of buying for DD.

So no, you arent BU, hes just being lazy.

HollyBerryBush · 23/12/2012 23:28

Or - take the money - hit the sales and buy something that DCs need and like - shoes, clothes of their choice rather than every day stuff.

I know its work for you - but there is a lot of fun to be had spending someone elses money!

BinksToEnlightenment · 23/12/2012 23:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be annoyed too. But I don't think he is being entirely unreasonable either. Just really thoughtless.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 23/12/2012 23:29

Do you think you'll see any of the money?

I agree with Holly - tag one present from Dad, dont do any joint ones IF you think the DCs would like it and not be too confused.

MrsFlibble · 23/12/2012 23:30

Actually yeah take the money, and get them things they need with it.

I enjoy spending my exes money, but then, im a bitch. :)

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:31

Will it make a big difference to how your DC feel?

YANBU to say no if you don't want to, and what I asked about how your DC would feel shouldn't be held over you to guilt you into saying yes.

I was just wondering how much effort he'd put in, and if it's not a lot, would that impact on your DCs expectations of what they'd like from a dad who loves them?

SanityClause · 23/12/2012 23:31

If he wants a relationship with his DC, he needs to work on it, just like you have. Part of that is taking time to think about and buy gifts for them.

YANBU!

FestiveElement · 23/12/2012 23:32

How old are your DDs? Are they old enough to be told that their Dad wanted to contribute to their present financially, so gave you the money after you chose them and now they get to go and do something else special or fun with the money because it was unexpected.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2012 23:34

No, I would not do that either.

Tell him to give them the money if he's too busy to buy them any presents. Even if he "doesn't know what they like" it doesn't stop him from buying something generic, lego, colouring books, chocolate are all pretty damn safe bets depending on age of child.

Or if he's seeing them some time around Christmas (preferably after so they don't duplicate!) maybe he could take them to a toy shop, give them a budget and let them go wild? My aunt always used to do this as she had no idea what I'd like and I used to love it. The amount she had to spend always felt like a fortune and it was amazing to be able to go around town and pick whatever I wanted out.

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:34

But it's the DC who ultimately lose out on that deal Sanity (not that I'm suggesting the OP should pander to her ex because of his inadequacies).

OnTheBottomWithAStringOfTinsel · 23/12/2012 23:37

I think you are soooo right.

As you are not together how confusing would it be for your DC's to get joint gifts from you! It doesn't matter how long you've been apart - children can harbour completely irrational hopes of parents reuniting, so you have to be consistent in your 'messages'.

He's being lazy - it is completely appropriate that he now buys separate presents. He's been an ex for 2.5 yrs - its up to him to maintain his relationship with his DC's - he's had long enough to get used to it.

I think this is a good time to use that old Mumsnet stalwart "fuck the fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more".

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:37

Reading the OP again, is it that he hasn't (for some reason) not seen his DC that much since Aug, is now moving house, and doesn't feel he knows the DC enough to get them something they'd like, rather than not being arsed with his DC?

StuntGirl · 23/12/2012 23:39

YANBU. Tell him to give them the money instead.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2012 23:42

Seriously, like you said in your OP, you've done the hard work of choosing, ordering/traipsing around shops, carrying home/collecting, hiding and wrapping etc. I'd say 90% of the work is in thinking about it, and then all the physical stuff as well. And he wants to give you half the money and claim half the credit?

Tell him to give the money directly and/or take them on a shopping trip to choose. The older two can help choose for the youngest if she's too little.

Original poster

BrusselSproutsFartyPants · 23/12/2012 23:46

Wow that was quick thank you.

The DDs are 11, 4 and 2. I have bought them a box of lego as a joint present and said he can give them that if he wants but he said he wants to do more. I said how about giving them swimming lessons but he has said he wants to give them an actual present.

Agentzigzag I don't think the DDs will notice much either way. They are used to not getting much or anything from him so probably wouldn't notice.

I might suggest he sees them at some point after Christmas and takes them to toys r us if he is adament about the having something.

I seem to be in a permenent state of guilt!

OP posts:

Damash12 · 23/12/2012 23:50

Yanbu, just say wow look at this money from dad, what would like to spend it on? Then go on a sales shop or make him take them out and spend it. Have a lovely xmas

BertieBotts · 23/12/2012 23:51

Don't feel guilty! It's up to him to do this stuff, it really is. It's not your responsibility to make sure they have presents from him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 23/12/2012 23:53

Stop with the guilt. He's the one who should feel guilty, not you.

I would take the money, after christmas tell DD what he has done & ask DD what else she would like for Christmas and get that from him and buy practical things from the little ones. They'll neither know nor care who the gifts come from!

Don't turn the money down, I expect he doesn't contribute much towards extras - if anything!

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog · 23/12/2012 23:54

No need to feel guilty

You've done everything you can to give your DC the stability they need.

Original poster

BrusselSproutsFartyPants · 23/12/2012 23:56

Agentzigzag I don't think that he isn't bothered about the DC but other things take priority or we have a falling out and then he refuses to see them. Things have been pretty awful for the last 2 years and I am hoping that now we have had some distance they can settle into a routine.

BertieBotts the youngest most definately has a mid of her own, probably from having 2 older sisters

I really don't want to do anything that will cause another argument, I don't need the stress.

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 23/12/2012 23:57

no.
you don't have to do this.
he can give them money, or give it to you and you pass it on as money. they can choose what to buy. that will be fine.

you made the arrangements for Christmas, chose and bought the presents. go ahead with your own plan.

an anecdote of my own - ex h tried something similar with daughter's wedding. oh, he said, shall i pay for the venue? (posh hotel). no, i said, i'll tell you how much i've spent, show you the receipts, you can give me half after. i didn't change the original plans in any way. just as well, because a few weeks before, he pulled out, said neither he nor any member of his family would attend. if i'd spent more than i had on the strength of his promise of money, i'd have been financially screwed and daughter's day would have been spoiled.

get used to keeping your children's father at arm's length, for your own peace of mind and theirs.

Original poster

BrusselSproutsFartyPants · 24/12/2012 00:05

Thank you. I feel gulity a lot, I think I should have been catholic

I don't know why I let him get under my skin so much.

I think I will phone him in the morning and suggest he takes them out and gets them something. I think that way they are more likely to realise it is from him.

Chipping he has said he will start helping me financially in the new year once he has moved and he will pay for them to have swimming lessons seperately.

OP posts:

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