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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit miffed at ex-h over Christmas hijacking?

40 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 23/12/2012 11:32

I probably am being unreasonable, and definitely unseasonable, but I'm feeling a little rattled this morning!

Ex-H comes up to see DD (3yrs) a week or so after Christmas and brings her presents from him and they have their own 'mini Christmas' (including a Christmas dinner cooked by me since they are in my home when they do this - he lives a way away - it's my way of trying to be nice and ensure that DD develops good Christmas memories if her daddy etc etc).

I have informally been DD's sole carer since she was 4months old and ex-H left, she spends Christmas with me. Ex-H has plenty of money and I have very little (he has a good salary and lives rent-and-bill-free with his parents - his choice as it's easier for him as he doesnt need to lift a finger) I've sold valuable posessions and scrimped to get DD's presents over the year so that she'll have plenty Christmas, and we do lots of traditions etc so she really enjoys it - and I know it's materialistic but I can't wait to see her excitement when she opens her new toys!

Point being - buying expensive things is not hard for ex-H but not for me (and most people out there) it takes effort.

Yesterday morning - Post van pulls up - unloads a MASSIVE box (we're talking 3ft square) - I pop it open and it is STUFFED with large wrapped presents, and topped with a note from ex-H reading:

"I will bring DD's main presents from me up when I visit, but here are some so at least she will have something nice to open on Christmas morning"

AIBU in thinking 'oi Mr, she will have plenty of 'nice' things to open on Christmas morning because I've worked bloomin' hard all year to make sure that she does! Even if it's not the high-end expensive stuff that you can afford it's all things that I know she will like and have been chosen with love.'

I'd better go and stick a mince pie in my mouth before I offend anyone..........

OP posts:
MrsMangoGingerbreadhouse · 23/12/2012 11:33

Can't you make sure you label them all from Santa? Xmas Grin

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 23/12/2012 11:36

She's 3? So she's not really going to understand or remember who gave what? Or much care? Grin

I'd just give them to her on christmas morning "Look what santa gave you"

Or "mummy got these for you" if you don't do the everything from santa thing.

By the time he comes up after christmas, they're in her room, with her other stuff and she's forgotten what's what and he just gives her what he comes up with.

But I'm a complete cow Grin

DontmindifIdo · 23/12/2012 11:38

Put them all "from Father Christmas" crack open the quality street tin.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2012 11:39

Perhaps he just missed two words off the end of that, "... from me."?

If you have a good relationship with him - and it sounds as if you do - don't look for insult where none is intended. Your daughter is THREE, too young to appreciate much of the stuff that probably both of you will spoil her with. That's what parents do... Grin

Jemma1111 · 23/12/2012 11:41

I would also say "look what Santa bought !" but I'm like that too !

Mind you, look on the bright side when your feeling miffed with the ex , its YOU who gets to spend Xmas with your child .

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 23/12/2012 11:54

yep id do the "from santa" thing too

bit cheeky of him! i wouldnt be very happy to get a note saying that

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 23/12/2012 11:57

I am very lucky to have her on Christmas morning :-) - I'd just like to say that I've made sure ex-H knows he is welcome to come for Christmas Day but he chooses not too (too much hassle travelling) - from experience (we'd been together for quite a few years), Christmas to him is a lie in till Christmas dinner hits the table.

We have about as good a relationship as we can, I find it hard but there's a little girl in the middle of this so I try and keep things as 'nice' as posible for her sake.

I could say they are from Santa lol, although DD (little miss sceptical and suspicious.......) suspects that Santa is not real because the one we went to see had a fake beard, and didn't look like the one in the books.......... She went through a phase of being scared of the Gruffalo and I told her that he wasn't real as he was only a character in a book, and she has taken this quite literally and now ANYONE in ANY book is not real...............

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/12/2012 11:58

If your cooking the dinner anyway why not do the Christmas thing together? Don't get the two separate Christmas' in the same house!!!

RedHelenB · 23/12/2012 12:00

Sorry, posted before you did!!

purplewithred · 23/12/2012 12:08

Rise Above, release your inner Christmas Goodwill. Thank the lucky stars her daddy loves her enough to splash his cash on her. You'll appreciate it in the years to come. Start dropping hints now (to him) about how nice it will be when she is at school and is able to go on all the school trips/have a decent laptop/have driving lessons/go to university because she has such a generous and loving daddy.

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga · 23/12/2012 12:22

erm why isn't he paying you maintenance?

AssumptionBasedOnNotMentioningItTiggaxx

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 23/12/2012 12:23

He does pay maintenance, albeit just the minumum based on his salary

OP posts:
thegreylady · 23/12/2012 12:27

My dgc know there are lots of pretend Santa helping the Real One as he is too busy in the run up to Christmas. Tell your dd the big box is from Santa.

hermioneweasley · 23/12/2012 12:31

Grr, these tits who pay the minimum for their kids but want to play at being bountiful at Christmas and birthdays piss me off.

I would keep them and eBay them for cash!

Remember that when she grows up she will see his behaviour for what it is.

JumpingJackSprat · 23/12/2012 12:32

why shouldnt he makes sure his child has presents from him to open on xmas? and why would anyone say theyre from santa when theyre not, theyre from her dad. it sounds like youre jealous but tbh it sounds like hes trying to be a good dad despite the distance and where and how he chooses to live is none of your business, as long as your daughters maintenance is paid. by not telling your dd the presents are from her dad you will only be hurting her in the long run.

TidyDancer · 23/12/2012 12:35

If it was me, I'd either label the presents as from Father Christmas or put them away until your ex shows up.

You don't need to let them bother you.

TidyDancer · 23/12/2012 12:36

JumpingJack - are you the ex?

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 23/12/2012 12:36

Thanks for that........

Jealous of what? Just to clarify

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 23/12/2012 12:39

I would also point out, JumpingJack, that if the OP's ex wanted DD to have presents from him at Christmas, he would either say so (if the OP transcribed his note correctly, he didn't say this) or actually show his face on the day. The presents sound passive aggressive and designed to show up the OP's inability to provide the expensive presents he can.

Anyone, man or woman, who does not provide properly for their child (and paying only minimum maintenance when you can afford much more is not properly providing) but then turns up like FC during the festive season as if that makes up for it....well that turns my stomach.

Being a parent is about more than buying Christmas presents.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 23/12/2012 12:42

A note saying that he is sending these gifts so that his child has something nice to open on christmas day is a really spiteful thing to say.

It is implying that the child does not have anything nice to open on christmas day. So saying that the OP has not got the child anything nice.

Screw him.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree · 23/12/2012 12:44

you should give the presents to your DD on Christmas Day and let her know that they are from her dad.

I can see it is very frustrating and upsetting for you but, in the end, you should not be drawn into game playing over your DD. In the end, no amout of big expensive toys can ever compensate for a true, loving and deep bound with your child. Don't feel less adequate just because what you do cannot always be measured by a price tag.

Sorry, but you are going to have to suck it up.

peaceandlovebunny · 23/12/2012 12:53

my gran used to say 'there's more than one way to skin a cat'.

on christmas day, get up, do christmas, with your presents. keep daddy's hidden.
when all that is done, and a break eg lunch, walk, whatever you do, is over, gently introduce the fact that there are more presents...sent by daddy! wow! and daddy will be coming for a visit soon...

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/12/2012 15:11

Why should he not send presents? Very mean to say they are not from him. Perhaps be just wanted her to have some of the nice things he had chosen on christmas day as he doesnt get that with her.

He's paying maintainance from a good salary so it must be a reasonable amount so dont understand the slating for that. He doesnt have to hand his whole wage over. If you match the amount from your salary plus and on CTC and CB and it doesnt cover the costs of feeding and clothing a child then you would have a fair pont but thats unlikely.

ForbiddenFruitt · 23/12/2012 15:17

I have to say without trying to be nasty and it depends on the situation.

But if you left him and moved too far for him to see her on a regular basis then why shouldn't he give her all those presents?

Maybe it's the only way he can think of to make it up to her.

Would you rather he was a deadbeat dad who wouldn't even send so much as a card?

YABU.

JumpingJackSprat · 23/12/2012 15:25

erm no , im not the ex thanks for your question. people dont always have to agree with the op. the presents are for the child from her father. the op's ferlings do not come into whether her daughter should recieve the presents from what sounds like a loving commited father. if she has read the note as though he has insulted her then she should be an adult and talk to him about it, where she might find he didnt mean that at all. she certainly should not hide, fail to hand over or sell the childs presents or such bullshit games because she is pissed off with the dad because hes bought his child some presents and wants her to have them on xmas. youve got many years to come of co-parenting with this man so maybe you should start talking to him if hes pissed you off, and picking your battles.

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