to feel a bit miffed at ex-h over Christmas hijacking?

[LifeIsButtercream]

I probably am being unreasonable, and definitely unseasonable, but I'm feeling a little rattled this morning!

Ex-H comes up to see DD (3yrs) a week or so after Christmas and brings her presents from him and they have their own 'mini Christmas' (including a Christmas dinner cooked by me since they are in my home when they do this - he lives a way away - it's my way of trying to be nice and ensure that DD develops good Christmas memories if her daddy etc etc).

I have informally been DD's sole carer since she was 4months old and ex-H left, she spends Christmas with me. Ex-H has plenty of money and I have very little (he has a good salary and lives rent-and-bill-free with his parents - his choice as it's easier for him as he doesnt need to lift a finger) I've sold valuable posessions and scrimped to get DD's presents over the year so that she'll have plenty Christmas, and we do lots of traditions etc so she really enjoys it - and I know it's materialistic but I can't wait to see her excitement when she opens her new toys!

Point being - buying expensive things is not hard for ex-H but not for me (and most people out there) it takes effort.

Yesterday morning - Post van pulls up - unloads a MASSIVE box (we're talking 3ft square) - I pop it open and it is STUFFED with large wrapped presents, and topped with a note from ex-H reading:

"I will bring DD's main presents from me up when I visit, but here are some so at least she will have something nice to open on Christmas morning"

AIBU in thinking 'oi Mr, she will have plenty of 'nice' things to open on Christmas morning because I've worked bloomin' hard all year to make sure that she does! Even if it's not the high-end expensive stuff that you can afford it's all things that I know she will like and have been chosen with love.'

I'd better go and stick a mince pie in my mouth before I offend anyone..........

I agree with Jumping Jack, and I didn't interpret the note in the negative way OP did. I just read it as that he loved his daughter and wanted her to have lots of nice presents from him to open on Christmas morning as he won't be with her.

DD won't care about the value or number of presents.

Why not just give her them & not say who they are from, she's only 3 so it will be the toy that counts not who got it!!!

He pays maintenance and buys his daughter presents. What a bastard.

How can it be interpreted otherwise?

A genuine question.

"I will bring DD's main presents from me up when I visit, but here are some so at least she will have something nice to open on Christmas morning"

Look at it.

so at least she will have something nice to open on christmas morning.

so at LEAST
something nice
something nice

So she's got something nice.

How can it possibly be saying anything other than here are some gifts that are nice, I am sending them because they are the only nice things she will be getting, without these gifts there will be nothing nice for her on christmas morning.

so at least she will have something nice

I honestly just don't see how there can be any other meaning. I really don't.

I read the note, as quoted, and I winced. It's possible, (I haven't met him to know his general nature!) that he meant it in a "At least she will have something nice from me to make up for me not being able to get there on the day". But as it stands, it does sound terribly passive-aggressive, and he's not even my ex. If an ex of mine had sent me something like that, it's not inconceivable that I would have hit the ceiling and have had to be scraped off it.

OP, you sound like you want everything your own. Your ex obviously loves his daughter, meets his financial obligations and sends gifts before his visit to ensure she has them xmas day. Given you moved hundreds of miles away taking his DD with you, wont allow overnight access as you feel the journey is too long its a little bit of a nerve to moan about how he worded a note on a box of christmas presents!

HappyMummyOfOne - have you been reading my file?

That thread is ancient! Can I please clarify a few things?

I moved 200 miles away yes - closer to my family because I was having a nervous breakdown, and had no support where I was currently (ex lived 10mins away but would only drop in for 10mins here and there on his way home from work) - I couldn't care for my daughter properly where I was. Oh, and my mum had just been diagnosed with cancer.

I wouldn't allow overnight access when she was 2, no, he only wanted her for a night every now and then, and it would have meant a 2yr old enduring a 6-8hr drive for the sake of a one night, and he didn't have anywhere for her to sleep. Not to mention the fact that she's hardly ever spent a night away from home, his house is unfamiliar and as much as he loves her, she doesn't let him take her to the toilet (her choice!)

He has the oportunity to come and spend Christmas with his daughter - he's chosen not to - that's not my fault.

I hope this makes me a little less appalling.

I think you've deliberately misread his note. You seem to be looking for an argument with a guy who wants to be involved in his DDs life and pays maintenance.
I think you could have it much worse tbh.

Big piles of presents are just that - stuff. You are there day in and day out, when she's sick and when she learns something new. He probably needs to buy expensive presents to asssuage his guilt.

No-one with any sense leaves a massive box 3 ft square and say these are just a few bits, the main ones are coming later without having a few self esteem problems.... He actually sounds desperately insecure and trying to look good, but in a really childish way. Who's he trying to impress - you or your DD?
I wouldn't rise to it. If she's anything like my DD was at 3 she'll be completely overwhelmed anyway after about 4/5 presents and you'll have to put some to one side. And she'll probably like some tiny little gift best that for some reason she takes a fancy to.
Just give her a couple on Christmas day - tell her they're from him. Tell him she had loads of presents to open so you put them to one side and thought he might like to open the rest with her. He'll soon realise the error of his ways if he has to plough through the opening of a load of huge presents with her when he does come!

Wanting his daughter to have presents from him on Christmas.... What a prick

I know how you feel OP
It's happened to me for years by ex-fuckwit
He pays £5 a week for 2 dc yet has just given dc1 a £250 scooter for his birthday

You have to suck it up I'm afraid. Just be glad your dd has lots of presents. It's the only way to think of it however annoying

I think anyone other than OP who read any nastiness into his phrasing is a bit nuts. (The OP knows him so she may has info we don't have, so can't definitively say she is being unreasonable.)

On the face of it all he was trying to say is that there were going to be two lots of presents, and he was explaining why. He shouldn't have to choose words with legal precision to make sure they can't be interpreted in a way that makes him look bad.

The fact that OP may be cash-strapped is no reason for him to spend less than he wants to. Though maybe she should explain to him how she feels. If I were him, I would be perfectly happy for her to say the presents were from Santa or from both parents.