consequences

[yawningmonster]

Ok so most of you will probably flame us for how we handled this. We are doing lots to try and parent better and cope with the massive meltdowns we are getting amongst complete defiance and other challenging behaviours.

Today we had a street christmas bbq. Our kids ate before they went but we took some crisps. These were available for the children at all times. When the sausages etc were ready my kids both said they had eaten and were not hungry and wanted to keep playing. Roll on to going home and ds says very agressively I'm not going until I have a sausage. I said, "We have some things at home still" Now if he had asked nicely to have the sausage he would have been given it however when I suggested we have food at home (next door) he ran off saying right I'm not going with you unless I get a sausage and ran away through the section. Unfortunately the neighbours trying to be kind grabbed a sausage and followed him and gave it to him and we left with ds triumphant.

When we got home we told ds that all screen rights were forfeited for the night as it is extremely rude to run off and threaten us and talk to us the way he did.

His answer is well I got my sausage didn't I.

I am a bit worried that the consequences don't really relate to the behaviour and we are trying very, very hard to keep things on a positive front and not resort to punishments etc so am feeling rubbish that maybe we handled the whole thing wrong and there was a more positive way of handling it.

you were right, your neighbours were wrong, your son was rude but you are sorting him out. fine.
how old is your son?

You were right, taking away screen privileges doesn't sound like it relates but you'll have to this time, in the future I'm sure you will carry on not letting him get things if he misbehaves. This was a one off. How old is he

he is 8 but developmental age of 6.

The only thing I would add in next time is to give them a chance to modify their behaviour. Eg." This is your warning, continue to behave like this and you will lose your screen privileges for x amount of time"

That way they can think about the consequences and choose to modify. It does depend on age of child however this child sounds older than a toddler

yes Robot I normally would have done this but he only modified his behaviour when he was given the sausage and then it was too late to give him options. Thank you.

Why should we flame you? You couldn't stop the well meaning neighbour from handing over the sausage? You had to come up with something, and withdrawal of screen privileges is as suitable as any, since you couldn't make him hand back the sausage .

Um why did you feed him and plan to feed him st home if you were going to a bbq?

Sounds like setting him up to fail to me.

I just thought I might get flamed because we are trying so hard to reward the positives and give loads of positive attention and ignore what we can....and here we are with a massive screaming tantrum in the bedroom when maybe we should have just talked to him and explained the behaviour was not on and would result in consequences if it was ever repeated.

TBH just in tears as it is so hard with him at the moment and we are doing everything we can possibly think of to keep our relationship with him positive.....nothing seems to be helping....just one of those awful stages we have to get through but when we are in one it is hard to see the light....things are never easy with ds but we do have less awful patches than this one....I get so worried about the future when it is like this

I know he has ASD, and dyspraxia (and dyslexia) so I try hard to realise that this is not always something he can control and that it is our job to support him and guide him but it just seems we screw it up...arrghh just babbling sorry

Izzy we fed them before we went because ds often has issues with playing and not eating at things like this and then he has terrible behaviour as the hunger creeps up on him and is like a ferocious beast. He was absolutely able to eat there if he wanted to and was asked and said he didn't want any as he had already eaten. I suggested the food at home because well we did have food still at home and it is just what popped into my head maybe that is wrong.
I probably did set him up to fail you are right but I seem to always do that no matter what route I choose...I was trying to do the opposite but no doubt I need to have a hard look at it and do it completely differently

Is very difficult - especially if he has developmental delay *(8 presenting as 6?).

This would prob be better off in Special Needs rather that AIBU. You would get great advice there.

Ah... If he has ASD and had locked on to the sausage, I would have made him ask nicely and then said he could have it.

But there still has to be consequences, ASD or otherwise

You didn't set him up to fail, you sound like a lovely, caring mum who is doing everything she can to manage a difficult phase and the many challenging behaviours your ds has. The poster asked why you fed him first, now that you'e explained the circumstances it makes perfect sense and to not have fed him and for him not to have eaten at the BBQ could have ended in much worse behaviour. It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job to manage these issues your ds has and I hope things start to improve for you all soon.

To be fair the psychologist working with DS has told me to occasionally set him up to fail, taking him to the park when there is other children there and if he hits out taking him straight home so that he does learn that negative behaviour does not benefit him

I second dinners though, you sound like a fantastic mum. It's very hard work and you're trying your best for your son

My son has asd too, but he wouldn't get a sausage for asking like that, just as you planned. I think you handled it well in the circs, he needs to know that speaking rudely and aggressively is not appropriate. If I were trying to keep things calm, I might have told him that he could absolutely have a sausage as soon as he asked politely and using a pleasant tone, and taken a sausage home for him to wait for him to back down ( would take some time!). But given that neigbour pre-empted you you had no option. Having a tantrum doesn't kill them, it's just an expression of anger and frustration. I'm not surprised he was angry and frustrated, but when you have asd and have to learn how to manage in the NT world, there will be tantrums along the way, and that is okay.

Sorry didn't mean to sound patronising

Thank you I am just tired...yes Dozy I would have given him the opportunity to ask nicely but he ran off before I had the chance. He calmed down from the meltdown and asked to play snap. I have to admit I rigged the game for him to win as I couldn't handle another meltdown so soon. He is in bed now so hopefully has gone to bed on a positive...and yes I could put it in Special Needs and often do post in there but just clicked on first thread title that seemed appropriate sorry.

Thanks just I do need to keep in mind that it might be the ASD not me but it is really difficult to keep that in perspective and not over analyse everything and think it is me and my parenting that is responsible

Robot I didn't think you were being patronising, the thank you was sincere not curt but reading back I can see how it may seem that way

Glad I didn't offend

Keep on keeping on OP - fwiw my DD is now 14 and now (mostly) delightful but it took us years to get to this stage. When you have a challenging child all you can do is keep being consistent and look for that light at the end of the tunnel. We were full prepared for the teenage years being horrendous but she's gone the other way. She knows what's expected and knows what will happen if she behaves unacceptably.

'Thanks just I do need to keep in mind that it might be the ASD not me but it is really difficult to keep that in perspective and not over analyse everything and think it is me and my parenting that is responsible'

The situation you described sounds exactly like the consequences of ASD, and I think you handled it well.
I do know what you mean though, mine is 18, emotional age of 14/15 and it is a fascinating and frustrating task separating the ASD behaviours from the normal PITA teen behaviours. Consistency, consequences and warnings about the consequences have been invaluable strategies for us.
And yes, we enter all and every social situation on a well-fed stomach!
You sound as if you are doing a very good job, don't doubt yourself.

Robot, I'm finding the teen much easier than the preteen for the same reasons you state. Bloody good job, considering the size of him too!

thank you sometimes just need to get an outside perspective very hard to be objective in the midst of it all

oh and thanks too for giving me hope for the teen years, when we are in a patch like this I sometimes wonder how we will survive this behaviour in a child twice the size with twice the strength.