consequences

[yawningmonster]

Ok so most of you will probably flame us for how we handled this. We are doing lots to try and parent better and cope with the massive meltdowns we are getting amongst complete defiance and other challenging behaviours.

Today we had a street christmas bbq. Our kids ate before they went but we took some crisps. These were available for the children at all times. When the sausages etc were ready my kids both said they had eaten and were not hungry and wanted to keep playing. Roll on to going home and ds says very agressively I'm not going until I have a sausage. I said, "We have some things at home still" Now if he had asked nicely to have the sausage he would have been given it however when I suggested we have food at home (next door) he ran off saying right I'm not going with you unless I get a sausage and ran away through the section. Unfortunately the neighbours trying to be kind grabbed a sausage and followed him and gave it to him and we left with ds triumphant.

When we got home we told ds that all screen rights were forfeited for the night as it is extremely rude to run off and threaten us and talk to us the way he did.

His answer is well I got my sausage didn't I.

I am a bit worried that the consequences don't really relate to the behaviour and we are trying very, very hard to keep things on a positive front and not resort to punishments etc so am feeling rubbish that maybe we handled the whole thing wrong and there was a more positive way of handling it.

Even if you would usually do x y and z and be absolutely perfect, when there's a house full of people and you're trying to make it a pleasant experience for everyone and have stressed yourself out over the details, you could make mistakes.

You are a human after all, and you are allowed to be, even as a mother of a child with autism

I think at that point I would have said to him, if you want a sausage where are your manners & then given him one when he said please rather than let things escalate in the way they did.

yes red I agree that is what I did wrong but unfortunately the thought and comment that we had food at home popped into my head first and I didn't get a chance to ask him to ask nicely but this is where as Dozy said I do make mistakes...I will try to pause and think before I respond next time to make sure I try to give him the option....maybe that will help but it won't guarantee that I won't screw it up.

There's always a next time to get better at.
It's not you screwing up, it is the situation and the circumstances changing all the time and having to think fast and speak slow. gets easier with practise.

thanks you would think that after 8 years I would not what to say and what not to say by now....I hope you are right about getting easier with practice

I don't know what else you could have done.

With young kids in public, I tend to ' avoid the scene' route, so the consequences don't necassarily relate. You couldn't rip the sausage away, so you did something else. He pretended he won - but he didn't really.

yawningmonster I think you are being incredibly hard on yourself.

I can imagine lots of 8 year olds I know behaving like this....DS1 (ASD) would have behaved just like this until recently (he's now 13) and DH and I are still feeling our way as how best to handle him. We generally found punishments/consequences didn't work, and we heard a lot of "well I got my sausage didn't I" responses over the years.

It's incredibly difficult to parent a child like this when other adults are around. They just don't understand the road you are on, however well meaning.

I have no other advice, because I would have done exactly what you did.

Yeah you probably could have dealt with it better. You made a mistake. Oh no. No one ever makes mistakes ever do they?

Seriously if we look back on every situation there's things we could have done better. If you weren't trying then that would make you a bad mum. You are listening to advice and trying everything and not blaming DS for his behaviour but attempting to help him improve it.

you're a fab mum