To think that all mums are losers

[Zavi]

My own experience of motherhood involves so much loss...

Gone are the days when...

I could hold my tiny baby with a single arm.

I was held out as a paragon of virtue ("that's my mum" said with huge pride to new kids he'd met in the playground) by my son

My DC's eye would widen with delight at the sight of me first thing in the morning

My pre fluent-speaker DC's would express himself (exquisitely for me) in jumbled words, expressions and mal-approprisims

I could go on and on...

but they are all gone, never to appear again!

Hate this aspect of parenthood: this sense of the loss of the child that my child was when they were younger.

And my DC is just 8 yrs!

I just find that, things always seem so rosy in retrospect but I only really, properly, appreciate them in retrospect - when they are gone forevermore, instead of "living in the moment"

Hence the loss....

Anyone else felt that parenthood, inherently, involves loss?

wait until they are 20

Mine is 18 and off to uni.... That's loss!

nope sorry - t changes and evolves but I don't feel loss x

not yet. The DC are 7 and 2. 7yo DS is a delight and hopefully many years away from being lost to me. On the contrary he is just becoming known to me and starting to really understand the world around him. I hope I have many many years of trying to explain it to him. Then I get to do it al over again with DS2

No- because you gain new things all the time. Parenting is the only job where your aim is to make yourself redundant - you need to gradually let go. You give them roots and give them wings- if you do it well they always come back because they enjoy spending time with you.
It is loss if you look at it in a depressive way and look back instead of supporting and living for the now.

I'm not sure - mine is now just 12, and I miss the "little boy" stage, but he is still lovely and we have fun together!

Don't be so dramatic.

Many parents on here, myself included, have felt actual real loss of our children. What you are experiencing is your child growing up. Think yourself very lucky that you are witnessing it.

not yet for me either and mine are 7, 6 and 2, all lush and I love them more each day x

I think that motherhood is a series of weanings rather than loss. (ie. introduction to solids, cessation of breastfeeding, potty training, going to school, walking to school by themselves, going to uni/ work, finanical independence etc.)

Good parents produce children who can stand on their two feet independently in the big bad world.

My oldest is about to have his eleventh birthday and is off to secondary school. I see it as a new chapter rather than a sense of loss.

I think about this quite a lot.

DD2 is 3 and I know she's getting more independent and can't help but dread the less cuddly phase she's in.

A lot of it is purely selfish because I'm really not a tactile person - at all, but with DD2, and DD1 when she was small, it's been a unique relationship and I don't want it to end - knowing I won't have the same closeness with anyone else.

That sounds very self pitying, but I can't help it.

chrismissymoomoomee
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your child.

I too have mourned the passing of each stage.
You only borrow your children.

My DDs are 23 and 26 and we are still as close as ever. Talk on the phone everyday, meet most days.

What a horrible thing to say chris.

Please don't suggest that what I genuinely feel means I'm spitting on the feelings of parents who've experienced the worst thing I can think of.

I am genuinely sorry you've had that experience, but it's not fair to dump that on anyone's plate.

The funny thing is, I've just dug out the camcorder and found 80 videos from DD1's babyhood. I thought there were only a couple. DH and I have just spent the evening watching them, with her, now nearly 5, asleep beside us.

DH said he was glad we found them as, looking back it all seemed like one miserable, sleep deprived blur of hideousness. The videos made him see that it wasn't.

MIL said to me today never grow old it's awful. I replied it's not so bad when you think of the alternatives.

I do get the sentiment OP- I think i feel it more keenly now as my youngest is definately growing up. But I try to balance it by relishing the fact that they are growing into happy, well adjusted, 'great' kids whose company I really, really enjoy.

Oh my God, I hadn't meant loss in the sense of losing a child! I'm mortified. I'm so sorry.

It just changes. Today I was taken to the theatre by my 14 year old ( tickets bought from paper round earnings) Came home to tree decorated by dd3 and dd2 and lush pudding made by dd1. We still have the hugs but now I can ask for one too and be looked after if I'm not well.

I don't see past stages as a 'loss'...just something wonderful (mostly!) while it happened.

Each stage brings it's own enjoyment/worry and can be equally fulfilling.

For example my nearly 21yr old DS came in today with 3 of his friends who I haven't seen for a few years.

We had a great time reminiscing about all the times they came round for tea...and all the school trips I helped out on etc...

Apparently it's official, DH and I make the best Sunday dinners ever

It's interesting how you've only mentioned Mothers in your OP...do you think Fathers don't feel the same 'loss'?

Zavi we understood what you meant don't worry. Chris I'm so sorry for you, no one intending to be insensitive here.
I know this is how I will feel, maybe not loss but regret that I did not appreciate them and their babyhood. I do, but not en

I met children with major special needs who never achieve independent living. I imagine that their parents experience a far greater sense of grief than those of us who feel tearful at our little ones developing independence. Worrying about who will looking after your disabled child after your death must be a nightmare.

I think that these threads show how we need to be mindful of other feelings and count our blessings. Christmas is a difficult time for people like chrismissymoomoomee

Agent what have I said thats horrible?

Facing up to another christmas without my son or my daughter is my experience of loss in motherhood. I also never said anyone was 'spitting on the feelings of parents'. I'm just saying get it in perspective, its not loss, your child is still there and growing up, you really should be seeing it as a good thing because it is a good thing.

Perhaps this is one of those 'glass half empty' situations.
I think it is so exciting seeing my children grow and blossom, learning new skills, having sensible opinions (rather than insane toddler opinions) etc. I sometimes feel a little sad that I'll never have a little baby again, sometimes worry that my little boy won't always wake me with a kiss and a cuddle, but they are fleeting moments of sadness which do not overwhelm my sense of excitement about their futures.