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Original poster

To think that all mums are losers

101 replies

Zavi · 22/12/2012 22:38

My own experience of motherhood involves so much loss...

Gone are the days when...

I could hold my tiny baby with a single arm.

I was held out as a paragon of virtue ("that's my mum" said with huge pride to new kids he'd met in the playground) by my son

My DC's eye would widen with delight at the sight of me first thing in the morning

My pre fluent-speaker DC's would express himself (exquisitely for me) in jumbled words, expressions and mal-approprisims

I could go on and on...

but they are all gone, never to appear again!

Hate this aspect of parenthood: this sense of the loss of the child that my child was when they were younger.

And my DC is just 8 yrs!

I just find that, things always seem so rosy in retrospect but I only really, properly, appreciate them in retrospect - when they are gone forevermore, instead of "living in the moment"

Hence the loss....

Anyone else felt that parenthood, inherently, involves loss?

OP posts:
musttidyupBeforeSantaComes · 22/12/2012 22:58

Zavi we understood what you meant don't worry. Chris I'm so sorry for you, no one intending to be insensitive here. Sad
I know this is how I will feel, maybe not loss but regret that I did not appreciate them and their babyhood. I do, but not enought. Mine are still young, and fabulous and funny and exhausting and irritating! I keep trying to tell myself to cherish the time whilst they are so young and not look forward to bedtime every night!
Tomorrow is a new day and I will be a better Mummy Smile

exoticfruits · 22/12/2012 23:00

As soon as you are talking about loss you will hit very sensitive nerves. I know exactly what Zavi meant, so don't worry, but I can see why people will find it upsetting.
The best thing is to enjoy the moment - you do only borrow them.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/12/2012 23:01

I lost a child at Christmas and i wouldnt dream of saying dont be over dramatic, I too am sorry for your loss Chrissy honestly i do know where you are coming from, but the op has a very valid point as well.

Pantofino · 22/12/2012 23:02

My view is that we are here very much to give the small people "roots and wings" They are not our property. We have been entrusted to nurture them and give them the skills they need to become sucessful adults in the future.

AgentZigzag · 22/12/2012 23:03

I have got what I feel in perspective chris, and would never dream of comparing what I feel to the loss felt by a parent whose child has died.

I do feel the loss of what I get from the relationship I have with my children when they're small, and I want to be able to say that without feeling I'm devaluing the experience of someone who'd been bereaved.

Your posts do suggest that.

Of course I'm glad DD2 is still with me and I'm grateful for the time I have with her.

But I will still miss her and how she is at 2/3 YO when she's 10/11 YO.

Drywhiteplease · 22/12/2012 23:06

Don't look back op, look forward.

My children are 12 and 14 and I'm always saying that I love now best, until the next stage comes. Children grow up and change but that's a lovely thing because your relationship gowns and changes too. Now I can watch movies, have great activity holidays, stay up late, go to nice restaurants, share a stupid joke etc with my lovely children.

I loved it when they were little, and totally immersed myself in it, so I feel blessed to have experienced that to the max and am doing the same as they grow. It's scary letting go but also wonderful to see them become fabulous young adults.

Stop mouning the " loss" or you will not enjoy the now.

WorraLorraTurkey · 22/12/2012 23:11

Stop mouning the " loss" or you will not enjoy the now

What a great way to put it and so very true.

Minkymum · 22/12/2012 23:11

Zavi, he's still in there, just not quite so obvious. Mine are teens now, but every so often I catch a glimpse of those 4 year olds who used to hang off my skirts.

chrismissymoomoomee · 22/12/2012 23:15

Who said anyone devalued my experience?

I am not supposed to have an opinion because it makes you uncomfortable?

Thank you for your sympathies everyone, I think its probably best I keep my opinions to myself on this thread just now, but to be honest this could have been worded better, there are far too many parents on here that have lost their children, and like me they are probably especially sensitive around this time of year.

maddening · 22/12/2012 23:18

I feel the same - trying to hold on to the moments - all of it. And I am so much more aware of my own and my child's mortality ( although my gran died following dementia this time last year - was lucky to hold her hand as she passed away but think this might have heightend these feelings for me) - I wonder about the future and know life is so fragile and am not able to control it.

Big hugs Chris and other parent's who have suffered the loss of their precious children - it is this reality that every parent is so painfully aware of - you know statistically that things may work out right b

WorraLorraTurkey · 22/12/2012 23:18

I don't really know what to say chrismissymoo Sad

I think you, the OP and ZigZag are clearly talking about 2 very different types of loss.

So sorry for yours, it must be extremely difficult every day but so much more magnified at this time of year Thanks

maddening · 22/12/2012 23:19

But statistics mean nothing when it is your child that is taken.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 22/12/2012 23:24

Seriously, be glad of every new stage.

My DD is stuck possibly forever in the cute non speaking baby stage and am so over it.

Drywhiteplease · 22/12/2012 23:26

Thanks worra I find champagne helps increase my wisdom Xmas Grin

threesocksfullofchocs · 22/12/2012 23:27

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine yet again I agree.
my dd is in that place....

usualsuspect3 · 22/12/2012 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cafecito · 22/12/2012 23:34

what mrsdevere said, entirely

cafecito · 22/12/2012 23:39

OP I agree it can be hard to appreciate what you have until it has gone, but you have those precious memories and those you will never lose. So it's more of a journey rather than a loss and with each 'lost' stage, you gain a new beginning. I admit I miss some of DS's baby stages and toddler stages now he is getting older, I miss the cute things he used to do, but he's doing all sorts of exciting things now.

I agree with chrissy that this time of year is exceptionally difficult for bereaved parents, so I really don't think anyone should be criticising her for her opinion.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 22/12/2012 23:40

Ds is 17 and already has a university place.
I live in the middle of nowhere, I live on benefits during the winter (only money here is in tourism).
I have loved every stage of his life, half of it with my ex, the other half pretty much mainly me.
He'll go next year, I'll be alone, but honestly, I feel I've done a bloody good job, and I'm bursting with pride.

usualsuspect3 · 22/12/2012 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

threesocksfullofchocs · 22/12/2012 23:47

I have a ds wou is now an adult, he is so much fun.
just like he was as a little boy.
but as I also have a child with severe sn.......
I so get fanjo's post.....

FestiveElement · 22/12/2012 23:47

I don't feel like I have lost, because with every loss you gain something new. But I do miss things that are only there in young childhood, they were lovely.

trapclap · 22/12/2012 23:48

Get a grip

ouryve · 22/12/2012 23:50

My pre fluent-speaker DC's would express himself (exquisitely for me) in jumbled words, expressions and mal-approprisims

My 6.5 year old hasn't even reached this stage yet. The delay isn't really all that desiarable Xmas Sad

ProfYaffle · 22/12/2012 23:53

"Stop mouning the " loss" or you will not enjoy the now."

Totally agree. Someone said to me once "childhood is a series of goodbyes' 'no' I said, 'it's a series of hellos'.

Say hello to each new stage, each one is enjoyable in it's own way.