to tell dh that I am a SAH mum not SAH skivvy. (not literally sah)

[manchester04]

Dh and I have had a disagreement re roles in the house. It started as an expression of surprise that i had been out alot this week. Have two school aged dc and a 3 1/2 month old so last week of term pretty busy. Turns out he thinks the house is untidy /ironing behind because i go out too much during the week. Apparrently I should be able to get everything done during the week so we can do stuff as a family at weekend.(although some of this stuff is him going to football or playing computer games)
I maintain that the reason i am behind is because he doesn't help enough. He leaves all of the childcare for the newborn to me. That is 24/7. Plus i pretty much had to cope on my own post csection. Only had one day where he was at home once i came out of hospital. He didn't even do some ironing when I couldn't do it. He cooks the odd meal and does a bit of shopping and may load the dishwasher occassionally. O and puts the bins out. Does do DIY and garden but they are not everyday chores.
I am tempted in the New year to go and buy another laundry basket for his washing and tell him that i will not be doing his laundry or picking up after him in future.
Clearly he thinks that working/commuting for 13 hours per day is enough.
Appologies for this being abit of a thread about a thread but I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

But this isn't a theoretical situation. It's one where the OP says that her husband sits on his arse and doesn't do anything as far as the kids and the house are concerned because he earns the dosh. Being the earner does not entitle you to treat your SAH partner like a housekeeper who you get to fuck

If I was out the house working or travelling 65 hours a week i would expect that my partner would be able to do keep the house and laundry in a reasonable state as well as look after the children, two of whom are at school half the day.

That doesn't mean that the SAH partner is a slave or should have to justify their every move and in this case I think there has to be a bit of appreciation both ways.

Neither jobs are easy and both are stressful. Maybe the OPs partner is extra stressed becasue he misses out on all the nice pre christmas things that the OP has been able to do and therefore is lashing out in other ways? who knows. But if the two of them are going to play tit for tat and add up who does what then they may as well not be together and I think the OP would end up in a worse situation tbh - no help AND no income.

In my house now we both work full time - In addition I do all the shopping and the majority of the out of school care, all the cooking & washing, most of the cleaning. OH does all the ironing, the bins, clears the kitchen and does the dishwasher and the lawn etc. Probably a bit uneven, but would do anything if I asked but I am not bothered - I quite like doing things my own way.

She has a baby at home. We don't know what kind of baby - sleepy, alert, crying - we also don't know how much sleep she gets at night. When her dh arrives home, there will have been 3 children in the house for some time. Maybe if he came at 11am the house would be as he likes it!
I don't actually think a job involving that much of a commute is tenable with small children.

People are being mean to op here her husband sat on his arse playing computer games ignoring a crying baby in my mind that is crap

Yes op should do the majority share of the housework as a sahp and she does do this, she does all the washing, dressing cooking and cleaning but in her dh's eyes what she is doing is not good enough THAT is the problem not the division of work

hokey, that's why withdrawing services is not a solution, they need to talk about it and get an appreciation of where each other is coming from. Doing 13 hour days out the house and being solely responsible for a family is very stressful. staying at home with young children is equally stressful and hard work. I just don't think either of them has an appreciation of how hard it is for the other.

That's where I think stay at home dads get a slightly better deal (although they often have more isolation than SAH mums) as in general women have a better understanding of how hard it is to run a house when they are the working parent.

If he gets in at 7.30, he should do bedtime or cook.you both dinner and the other does vice versa. Then you should both be relaxing in the evnings. Youve both worked hard all day.

At the weekends, he needs to act like a parent and do things with and for his kids. If he is taking the morning out to play computer games / play football then you need to ve getting a bit of childfree downtime too (and this time is NOT for housework).

And food shopping with two kids while he sits.on his arse is not on.

Ok I do understand that I think I fall more strongly on ops side as I too have 3 kids am a sahp and have a dh who works very long hours and is often away

I had the exact same situation with dh which ended in a HUGE row I am usually very mild mannered but after months of dh criticising everything I did and being disrespectful to me in front of the kids I just had enough, this row was once they were in bed incidentally

As it turned out dh felt completely left out of the family and unappreciated he saw I was doing it all on my own but didn't know how to fit in, because I was also unhappy and feeling unappreciated he thought that I didn't give a shit about how hard he was working......it was all a total misunderstanding about what each of us wanted from the other

So in summary TALK together maybe over a baileys whilst wrapping some presents tonight I really hope it gets better for you

I think you have to dowhat works for your family,what is happening now is obviously not working as neither of you are happy with it.

My dh would never complain about the house being a mess,and it has been plenty of times!I have 4 under 5 and at one point had 3 under 2 so i have my hands full,i just concentrate on the important things like the laundry and the dishwasher,the kids needs and my/our needs and eatingwell come before housework.

I dont think you should moan about him not doing as much as you as hes working 13 hour days but i also dont think he should be moaning about te house

hokey it is natural to see things from your own experiences, it's just that I have been in the other shoes but as working mother so I can see things from both sides a bit. For a while my OH used to work a Sunday and Monday/Tuesday nights while I was working full time during the week and we had two babies 13 months apart.......it's not easy and when you are tired it is difficult to get any perspective. It just annoys me sometimes when SAH parents bleat about having to do things on their own when the OH is actually at work, not exactly away enjoying themsleves - sometimes the stick has two shitty ends :o

And sometimes both parents work and have to do all the housework between them and work full time and try to fit in family time.

What are you doing during those 13 hours a day hes working OP? Because it doesnt take all of that that to look after a 3 month old while other DCs are at school.

And as one half of a team, he is entitled to his opinion on how the team is performing. You would no doubt be the first to complain if he decided to let the side down and just give up work and go on benefits. In the real world looking after the bulk of the domestic work falls under the SAHP job description.

You need to plan your week better because the weekend is the only quality time you all have.

YABU.

Allgoingtoshotnow are you serious? She IS doing the bulk of the housework an is complaining because her DH is telling her that she's not doing it right NOT that she doesn't think she should do it

And just because one person stays at home that doesn't make their partner their boss

Amck I completely agree I think that's why partners fall out like this because they are absolutely unable to identify with their partner

No hes telling her she is spending too much time 'going out' (whatever that means - coffee mornings etc?) during the week and the housework is spilling over into the weekends, where instead of spending time with family he is either being roped into doing it or is waiting around while it gets done.

The DH does 13 hours a day at work. Essentially his whole life other than weekends is devoted to putting food on the table. Sounds like he resents that the table hasnt been cleaned recently, and OP seems to be leaving housework for him to 'share' at the weekend while she does cool stuff during the week.

"And just because one person stays at home that doesn't make their partner their boss "

Nor does it mean the SAHP can pick and choose what to do and not get the basics of the job description done.

Far too much downplaying of the contribution of working partners on MN IMO.

Just to add, the responsibility of being the sole financial provider for a family is a heavy burden on your shoulders.....add that to the guilt of not being there and spending time with them and if you don't absolutely love your job, you get thinking about all the nice things your partner could be doing (whether that is the reality or not) and the resentment can creep in.

amck, I think that's the point hokeycakey was making above - that if one partner is working FT and doesn't really do childcare, which sounds like the OP's situation, they just don't get what the other person's life is like. I am the WOHP, but I pull my weight with childcare when I'm here, and I had my maternity leave, so I know what it's like for DH being at home.

I know I've got the easier role: I go to the office, drink my coffee while it's still hot and occasionally get to leave the building for lunch with a friend. I have quite a stressful job, but it's still easier being the breadwinner. And DH spent years and years working in a pressured job, so he understands when I come home fizzing with rage about HR or the clients.

I know Downandoutnumbered I'm making the same point - if you don't have an understanding of the other persons situation because you've lived it, then it is even more important than ever to talk about how you are feeling or do something to help each other. I think the OPs husband could help with bedtime as that would be a nice thing for him to do as well as a help to the OP - then she could be clearing up and they could both have some time together to chill out in the evening.

They've allowed the resentment to build up and Christmas has been the trigger point - I am sure they are both working hard but thinks the other has the easier life.

I'm not sure but the OP's dcs who are "at school all day" will be primary age? Where I live primary ends at half two. Not exactly "all day" - there is the actual to-ing and fro-ing and then the morning tidying up and feeding the baby and, oh aren't we supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps?
Also, if I take the baby out he is entertained and will probably nap. If I stay in, it doesn't mean I automatically get that time for housework, as there is still a baby to be entertained (and who may or may not nap in the house).
I have been both the person at home and the person working with dh at home; I enjoy my time at home but there is a real relief to walking out of the house and getting away from it all.

amck, sorry - reading thread fast and misremembered who'd made the point.

that's okay - we were both making the same point and agreeing - it doesn't happen a lot! :o

Allgoingtoshitnow the reason for going out was all the pre Christmas school activities & organising Christmas not coffee mornings

Anyway op hope you have a good Christmas!