to tell dh that I am a SAH mum not SAH skivvy. (not literally sah)

[manchester04]

Dh and I have had a disagreement re roles in the house. It started as an expression of surprise that i had been out alot this week. Have two school aged dc and a 3 1/2 month old so last week of term pretty busy. Turns out he thinks the house is untidy /ironing behind because i go out too much during the week. Apparrently I should be able to get everything done during the week so we can do stuff as a family at weekend.(although some of this stuff is him going to football or playing computer games)
I maintain that the reason i am behind is because he doesn't help enough. He leaves all of the childcare for the newborn to me. That is 24/7. Plus i pretty much had to cope on my own post csection. Only had one day where he was at home once i came out of hospital. He didn't even do some ironing when I couldn't do it. He cooks the odd meal and does a bit of shopping and may load the dishwasher occassionally. O and puts the bins out. Does do DIY and garden but they are not everyday chores.
I am tempted in the New year to go and buy another laundry basket for his washing and tell him that i will not be doing his laundry or picking up after him in future.
Clearly he thinks that working/commuting for 13 hours per day is enough.
Appologies for this being abit of a thread about a thread but I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

It's about the amount of leisure time you both have as other posters have said.

I am often curious about the people who come on here insisting that a SAHP's job is only childcare and has nothing to do with housework. Yes, the children should be the absolute priority but I wonder how many WOHPs know that this is what they're signing up to.

We both work now, but I would have been really fed up when DH was a SAHD if he'd insisted that his only "job" at home was to care for dd.

I think YABU. You have A LOT more time in the days to do the jobs (which lets face it are not huge things). He should do his share at the weekends of course but on the days he is out and about all day I would think you could manage to stick his washing in the machine surely.

He should not be upset about mess during a busy week but i suspect this is part of an ongoing battle anyway.

Seriousl,if your two oldest are in school all day and you just have a baby to look after it doesnt seem unreasonable that you should deal with basic housework.

What if he said "im not spending money on food for you its my job to earn money to feed the kids only".

Its a partnership not a competition.

I remember the days with a small baby who suffered from colic taking half the afternoon and all evening, then a couple of months later only sleeping in the day if she was walked in the pram, and still waking at night. Once your children are older it's easy to forget how time-consuming it can be to look after a baby (or toddler). So yes, there are days when you don't get to do much except child care.

There's no reason why your DH can't take over childcare for evenings / a weekend day to give you time to get stuff done.

pleasestopcarolling, IMHO you are not a sahm. and for you.

I am self employed and go through periods that I don't have paid employment. When this happens, I help out on school 9-12 and then come home to prep dinner/ whatever before the afternoon school run. When he gets in at 7:30pm, DH takes DS upstairs to get ready for bed and watch TV. I usually spend this time making sure the house is tidy and things are ready for the next day. On his working days, I don't expect DH to contribute beyond spending time with DS. I do the laundry and try to make sure the house is cleaned really well on Thur/Fri so that we can all spend time together at the weekend. On the days we are together, I cook and he cleans.

The last two weeks before the end of term are really busy for me and our house looked awful . The ironing pile was taller than me and there was clutter everywhere. I know my DH was stressed about it, but he didn't make a comment to me. DH took DS to the cinema and it was all sorted in a few hours.

I can see where you are both coming from. I think 13 hours out of the house is enough however he should spend time with the DC. His attitude is crap though. Three DC, one of whom is a young baby doesn't leave much time for Jugde Judy. He needs to help a lot more, especially if the baby isn't sleeping through the night.

I like having most of the necessary stuff out of the way, otherwise it feels like every day is a (SAHP) working day. If It works best for my family when DH goes to work and I stay home. DS is in school and I feel very fortunate to enjoy my days around DS and as I see fit. I am back to work full time for six months after Christmas. I need list the necessary chores and sort a rota out.

"I would have been really fed up when DH was a SAHD if he'd insisted that his only "job" at home was to care for dd."

I wouldn't agree to stay at home to look after the children of a bossy cunt who thought they got to tell me what to do all day.

No fucking way am I keeping my children in the house all day and missing out on school activities so some lazy shite doesn't have to do any housework.

"What if he said "im not spending money on food for you its my job to earn money to feed the kids only"."

Then he would be financially abusive.

Which is not at all the same as not spending all week at home doing housework.

I think it's the expectation that everything should be done by you and then to question why you are not delivering this is unreasonable. I remember when my DS was a colicky 3 month and he'd be thrust into the arms of DH coming home from work at 10pm (work and uni).

DH would never complain as he saw that i'd had it harder at home with the baby and needed some relaxing time as I was also doing the night feeds. Even when I was on ML with DD, he did and still does puts the kids to bed and cleans the kitchen each night

Surely if you see that your partner has not managed to do x,y,z then you either do it yourself or at the least facilitate it for them by looking after the children.

Does that 13 hours involve a couple of hours snoozing on a train, btw? Dh did a 13-hour day when dd was little, and I used to feel sorry for him and do all the nights. Then I realised that I wasn't getting any sleep during the day, because dd didn't sleep unless I was moving her, and dh was getting 2 hours sleep on the train ...

So, as well as equal child-free leisure time, are you getting equal sleep?

If he gets more sleep and more time to himself, then he isn't doing his fair share, is he?

If your DH is unhappy because your house is untidy - then he ought to just go and tidy it up ! Men have arms and hands !!!

I bet OP works more than 13 hours out of every 24

OP have you considered investing in a cleaner ?

The last two weeks of the Winter term are pure hell, with the added pressure of organising Christmas.

OP ...... I totally agree with your sentiment, and if I lived near you would come round for a supportive

I don't think that OP's DH's 13 hours are as hard as hers, and what luxury, to go out of the house....alone....travel to work in solitude, be able to work in a conducive environment without interruption, be able to stroll of for a peaceful lunch. He has to think of nothing else but his work during that time. Can you imagine how easy it would be to have 13 hours.......on your own, at home with no children and just be able to focus on the "work" of sorting the house out, being able to sit down and rest for a coffee now and then, and then have a nice hour to leisurely eat a lunch in peace, and be able to let your thoughts roll without interruption. The house would be fucking immaculate.

YANBU. I'm the WOHP in our household and I'm quite often out of the house 12 or 13 hours a day. DH is not my skivvy. I'd be upset if he usually did nothing and left all the housework for me to cope with, but if he's had a bad day with DS and the house is a bomb site when I get in, that's sometimes life.

Chores are shared 50-50 in this house when we're both at home. While I'm at work DH does the cleaning needed to keep on top of the trail of mess DS leaves everywhere he goes, plus cooking for himself and DS. I do ironing and bins, DH does laundry.

I don't know how you managed without your dh taking paternity leave, after a section.
Sometimes I think going out is the only way to keep the house tidy - I tidy once one child is at school, and then as the day goes on.. More meals, more toys, nappies.. It just gets messier again by time dh is home!
I don't get the idea of having no housework at the weekend. There's still meals, dishes, laundry, toy tidying, hoovering - doesn't stop because it's a Saturday. My worry is how do men (or women) who WOTH cope when their partners also go back to work, if they've got used to having all this stuff done for them?

The only way i coped in those few early weeks was by ignoring non essential items like ironing. As as result I have never caught up. Add into the equation getting all the old baby clothes down from loft and understandably things are getting on top of me. DD is a lovely baby but rarely settles before 1an. By than dh has been in bed for 3 hours. So in a way I have done 3 hours before he even gets up.
Incidently loading dishwasher is maybe twice a week .I probaly do it twice a day. (only have a small one)
Also it is the weekend thing that hurts the most. Today I went grocery shopping with 2 of the 3dc. Returned home with loads of bags to find dh playing computer games. Didn't even come down when baby started crying. I had to ask him to give dd a bottle of expressed milk whilst I unpacked.

O and dh does drive to work so he doesn't get to rest on journey.

If one parent is grocery shopping at weekend, the other minds the kids. Pretty obvious really?
I'm not sure which is worse: your h thinking he's Lord Muck and doesn't have to pitch in as much as you; or him having the cheek to criticise what you're doing.
Sorry, I don't know how to fix it, but you are def not being unreasonable!

Yanbu for me it's the fact that he is criticising you I have 3 under 5 youngest is 10 months and if she doesn't sleep at home it is impossible to do everything who cares if the house is a mess if he cares enough to have a go he should care enough to do something about it

Hollyberrybush you really sound smug who cares about how perfect you are and how freshly laundered your wonderful dcs are. OP is struggling and being berated by her lazy arse husband

Yes he works but he is not being a good husband of father it's the computer games thing that I find ridiculous

Recall loved your post yes my house would be spotless if I didn't have the kids there! I WISH my house was cleaner but it isn't and for this shirt period of our lives when we have young children it really doesn't matter

Sorry for typos bloody I phone!

So, the weekend before Christmas - when it's fucking manic - you took two kids grocery shopping and he sat on his arse playing computer games - ignoring the state of the house he was complaining about and ignored the baby crying. Lazy Fucker.

Yes he's out of the house long hours - and? Lots of people are - both Mums and Dads - and decent ones, when they get home, pull their weight, they don't bitch & moan about the state of the house.

His attitude that you should stay home and clean the house is just horrible - does he think that you and the DC's should miss out on all the the stuff they do at school? Does he think the presents just appear?

Why isn't he getting the stuff out of the loft and putting other stuff up there.

It just seems to me he's a lazy bastard who thinks he 'earns' the right to do fuck all at home because you are there and effectively he's paying you to look after the house & him.

He needs a kick up the arse. Pronto.

manchester04. when the holiday season is over, leave the bastard. not before.

I can't make up my mind about this.

It certainly sounds as though he is being unreasonable expecting you to do all the housework during the day but it sounds as though there needs to be a little more give and take on both sides.

A 13-hour day is pretty exhausting. I do a 12-hour day, including 3 hours of driving. It is the driving I find tiring, especially at this time of year when it is dark, wet, etc. I would certainly give some leeway for that since a tired driver is likely to be more lethal than a tired mum (waits for stories of dreadful deeds done by tired mums) - I'm talking statistically.

Please ignore the posters who've said a SAHP's only job is childcare. Your role is to do what you and your husband have agreed the SAHP should do. Agreed being the pivotal word!

I suggest you make a list of all the (daily, weekly, monthly) jobs that need to be done in the house, including the ones he currenty does as well as yours, and then sit down together and work out how you are going to divide them up between you. It may help him to see how much you do, but also vice versa. Above all though, don't treat it as a competition between you. Think of your

selves as a team.

Am at recall's description of work! Seriously who gets to stroll off for endless coffees and eat a leisurely lunch over a whole hour? I have days where I feel like locking myself in the toilet to eat a sandwich so no one can interrupt me. My at home days are far less stressful but I don't get much housework done. The fairest way to do things is surely that whoever has the time does it, whatever "it" is. But I constantly have to nag and go on about things, the males of this house can't spot a mess or a job in need of doing on their own it would seem.

I wouldn't agree to stay at home to look after the children of a bossy cunt who thought they got to tell me what to do all day.

Erm, not sure if you are implying that I'm a bossy cunt because I wouldn't have been happy for DH to SAH and do no housework. But personally, I really wouldn't have been happy with that arrangement and I wouldn't have agreed to it. I'd rather have paid for childcare and let DH contribute his fair share to the household finances.

Why shouldn't the WOHP have some say in this matter? If the WOHP is funding the SAHP to SAH, then they both need to agree on what is fair. It isn't about telling the SAHP what to do all day at all, it's about having an agreement that is fair to both parties.

But Jensei do you think the man in question really has any idea of how tough it can be at home? Doesn't sound like he's ever spent much time alone with his kids.
I'm afraid he lost my sympathy when he thought OP could cope just fine with 3 kids and a c section.

Hmmm, after reading a FB post on a similar vein from neice who has 2 school aged kids and a 2 year old, moaning becasue she had fed them and got them ready for bed and cooked the dinner by herself as her OH was at work and make a sarcy comment and copied him in, my view is that he is being a bit unreasonable and you are also being unreasonable.

He is out 13 hours a day, most of the time you have one child at home. On a day by day basis you should have time to keep the house in order. There are exceptions, when the kids are ill or at busy times like the pre christmas week when there are lots of things to be done with the kids that mean household tasks should wait.

I know what it is like to be the sole wage earner and support my OH while he stayed home. It is stressful. When our kids were at school we both worked and kept the house between us. We both have an appreciation of what both jobs take. Maybe all he needs is for you to take yourself off ocaisionally for the day at the weekend and let him look after them. Or you could get a job at the weekend so the burden was a bit less on him in terms of money.

Whatever, you need to talk about it.