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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit worried about dp planning to 'possibly' to go a wedding in NZ 3 weeks after our baby is born?

49 replies

bealos · 22/12/2012 15:11

I'm due to have a baby in a month (22 Jan is EDD), dp is originally from NZ and one of his best mates is getting married on 10th Feb. Him and one other are supposed to the best men over there.

He's saying he'll make a call 'nearer the time' as to whether he'll go to the wedding or not. When pressed, he says, if the baby comes on or before 16th January (baby would be 3 weeks old or more), he'd go on the trip to NZ for a week.

Now, there's obviously financial stuff - think it's going to be £1000+ to get a plane ticket to NZ last minute - but also the emotional. It's our first child together, though I have ds1 from a previous relationship (who lives with us). In my mind, I think it's very unlikely he'll want to jump on a plane to the other side of the world, when he has a tiny baby here, but I feel a bit odd and unsettled not knowing.

I know our baby is really important to him, I guess I'm a bit confused as to why this wedding is so important and why he wants to wait to make the decision. Admittedly, I've never been over to NZ and don't know these friends. I'd love to take a trip there soon though!

I think he's trying to have his cake and eat it and perhaps not want to 'let go' of a previously much more free and easy lifestyle, which obviously reduces down when you have kids.

Now, I've been trying to play it cool, and say, yes let's just see, but the closer I get to my due date I'm feeling more weirded out by this...

I don't want this to affect how I feel about the birth. I really want to feel supported and looked after.

OP posts:
Afritutu · 22/12/2012 15:25

Statistically you are more likely to go overdue than be early with a first baby. In which case he really won't be able to go. You could point that put gently, perhaps it might prompt him to come to terms with missing it!?

Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 15:31

It's not my first baby (it's our first child together) - I already have a son, whom I did go over 2 weeks overdue with. That said, we've really no idea when this baby will come!

I think it's the not knowing that's doing my head in and he doesn't seem to want to pin himself down. Grrr.

I'm worried it's going to turn into some tearful row as I get nearer January and feel more pregnant than I do now.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 22/12/2012 15:40

my first 2 were 10 days overdue, last one 14. my guess is that if your first one was 2 weeks, then this one could be the same. ie there could be a week between you having the baby and him potentially going - now surely he wouldn't book the flight until you had the baby so this could mean that he has to book it within 1 week of travelling. this all sounds a bit impractical to me.

Amothersruin · 22/12/2012 15:40

Why are you trying to play it cool? A simple "such a shame dear do that you will have to miss the wedding but do lets send them a nice gift"-should suffice quite well.

Of course thats the diplomatic response-if my dh had suggested this I would have laughed like a drain in his face....

Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 16:05

I think I'm trying to not be controlling, that's what I meant by 'playing it cool'.

I guess I'd really like it for him to realise the impact of jetting off around the world when we have a tiny baby, as oppose to me having to spell it out / lay down the law.

I have suggested he do a speech by Skype which people seem OK about.

We could also all visit NZ as a family later in the year.

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 22/12/2012 16:07

he doesn't seem to want to pin himself down. Sigh. What is wrong with people who think that babies are something that happens to women rather than them. Are you going to the wedding? Why not? Because you just had a baby, right? So has he and the sooner he realises that, the better.

Tell him that you are not comfortable with him going regardless if the baby is one, three or five weeks old.

Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 16:11

You're right mrsterrys I wouldn't be going to a wedding on the other side of the world when I'd just had a baby, even if it was my bestest ever friend. Thank you for putting that into perspective.

[I should note that this wedding was planned for longer than our baby has been! :) so there's no ill feeling there!]

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 22/12/2012 16:12

I'd encourage him to go. It's his best mate, home country, presumably has family there that he hasn't seen awhile and he's only going for a week. While it will be difficult for you, you're an experienced mother and can hunker down for the week. Does your older DC go to school? Can someone help out with drop off/pick up?

I say this coming from the point of view that My generous DH packed me off to NZ for a month when I was on mat leave to visit my family and friends. DS2 was 4mths and he missed a whole month of him growing and changing, but was happy for me to visit home as it had been over 3years since I'd been.

Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 16:15

And there you go herroyalhotness the other side of things - which is where I seem to be when I'm feeling reasonable, rather than worried about it. My mum has offered to come and stay for the period, and yes ds1 is in primary school.

I guess I'd love to visit too! Maybe am jealous about that? I'd hoped we could visit together next year (we had in fact planned go to to this wedding together before I got pregnant). I do really appreciate it's been 3.5 years since he's been back to NZ and that is hard for him.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2012 16:19

You "playing it cool" is giving him the impression it's ok to think about going away 3 weeks after giving birth. Even if he's mentioned this to other people who've said "wow I wouldn't dare go away 3 weeks after the due date" he's going to replay with "oh, Bealos is cool with it, it's not her first so it's ok." He doesn't know what the first few weeks are like and you're not telling him.

He's not going to magically get this if you don't say something, it's unfair you know what the first few weeks are like, you know that you'll need him. you know that you'll resent him and it'll have a negative effect on your relationship. If he hasn't worked this out for himself by this point, he won't unless you say something.

I would sit him down and say you are worried, you've tried to be ok about this but realistically, it's unlikely even if you have the baby on or before 16th January you'll be ok to be left that early, you'll still be recovering and you'll need him to be around. If the baby comes later than that, then chances are your baby will need extra support as well. And that as your last DC was 2 weeks late, then this one probably will be too.

DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2012 16:21

Could you compromise and say you'll all go as a family in the summer? If he's going to buy a ticket at the last minute, you might get 3 for a similar price.

PatButchersEarring · 22/12/2012 16:36

Totally with MrsTerrys on this.

There is not a cat in Hell's chance I'd be giving the OK for DP to do this.

A weekend away for a same country based stag do once the birth had happened, everyone was OK, baby was settled and you were happy and coping- maybe. But any further away or longer period of time- no way.

You are BOTH having a baby.

I'd be wary of allowing him to believe early on that this has affected your life but not his.

Why not save up and ALL go and visit in a year or so?

mercibucket · 22/12/2012 16:36

If it was me, and my second, and especially if my mum could come and stay, I'd be absolutely fine with it. Dh was back at work by then, and hardly needed before then either. A hand with the school run etc would be much appreciated though

But you're not me. And if you feel differently, you have to tell him. I think you're playing that old game of 'he has to guess how I feel, it doesn't count if I tell him, he should know'. And that's not a fair game. It's his first, he hasn't got a clue and you're not telling him.

NannyEggn0gg · 22/12/2012 16:37

I can understand his wishing to go, but I cannot understand him even considering leaving his first newborn baby to go across the world.
And it's a hell of a journey (and expense) for just one week.
Very sad for his friend, but if all of you could go later that would be so much better.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/12/2012 16:43

I agree with dontmind - he doesn't know! I had a friend planning to travel with his DP and baby to a wedding within a month of the EDD - "if baby wasn't late" - I told him even if baby was early, it was about 95% probability that mother and baby would be going nowhere. And so it transpired!

Tell him that a decision needs to be made and that you need him with you. Will it be over half term that he would need to go?

TidyDancer · 22/12/2012 16:49

Personally, I wouldn't mind DP going. I think if it was my first baby, I might be a bit skittish about it, but not in these circumstances.

I suppose it comes down to how confident coping with a newborn you think you will be, and whether you have other support close by (do you?).

I wouldn't want him to miss the wedding if it's at all possible for him to go. It's his best mate and he's best man. I understand why this worries you, but if it's doable for him to go, it would be nice if he could.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2012 16:50

I think if you go past your due date though, it would be a no really, which is a shame.

DP's suggested date of decision is a good idea.

DuchessOfAvon · 22/12/2012 16:51

I agree with merci.

When DD1 was 5 week sold, DH went off for a week's holiday bike touring at my encouragment. My mum came to stay to look after me. He was exhausted and needed the holiday - I didn't mind as long as someone was taking care of me!

If you want him home, you need to be honest with him. Waiting for him to guess your mood will only screw with your head and it'll all be passing him by.

He doesn't have clue what the whole parenthood shebang entails so either you need to lay it out for him - or find it in yourself to accept him going with good grace, as long as you'll be supported in his absence.

Fwiw, proposing that you all go later on seems a fair compromise to me.

Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 16:51

I did have a chat with him earlier about it today and this is one of the reasons why I've posted on here.

I was trying to be open with him to make the decision himself, but I did say I wasn't very happy with not knowing. I think I need to be a bit franker about my feelings.

I guess, my fear is if I say 'I don't want you to go' and he still does, what does that mean? Ueggh.

OP posts:
Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 16:53

Though - I do know the answer to this [am thinking out loud] ... I guess I'd have to accept it really and be gracious with his choice, ensuring I have support around me.

OP posts:
Original poster
bealos · 22/12/2012 16:55

It's good to hear all the thoughts about this. Makes me realise, more than anything, dp and I need to have a really good chat about it and both be frank about our feelings and listen to each other. and try not to be over emotional with pregnancy hormones

OP posts:
DuchessOfAvon · 22/12/2012 16:58

bealos

It is a toughie but I can't see what else you can do.

You can tell him that you aren't deliberately trying to set him up with a "choose me or else" scenario and that you are just trying to be honest about your feelings and worries, but I guess that if he decides to go, then your options to do much else are limited.

I think he needs to make the call now - its the whole leaving it open thing that is causing most of the strain. If you knew one way or another you could just get on with planning what you need for Jan. As it is you are being kept in limbo with the whole "Will he, won't he". That's where he is being unfair to you.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 22/12/2012 17:00

What if you end up needing a EMCS like I did? It's a six week recovery period. Nobody ever plans a EMCS and it happened to me despite my surprise and shock.

These are the early days you can never get back. What he also has not realised is that animal like pull at the heartstrings that your newborn can cause. He is underestimating that effect.

I just think a friend's wedding is NOT more important than being with your DP and your first baby (or any of your newborn babies!).

If anyone does not understand "Sorry I can't fly to the other side of the planet for a week, as the baby will only be a couple of weeks old" then they must be both mad and selfish.

DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2012 17:01

Can I just say as well, not telling him how you feel but expecting him to guess (particularly by acting cool about it so others who might otherwise have talked some sense into him won't because well, every woman is different and you must be ok with it) - does strike me a little bit of "testing" him - if he really loves you and he really cares about the baby he'll work it out for himself - that's unfair, he's going to fail a test without realising it.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him now, not just at the last minute. If you are going to be upset if he decides to go, he needs to know you will be upset and then if he does it anyway it's not a shock to him that it's a problem.

Look at how much a last minute ticket could cost, realistically could you afford to all go in the summer/easter for a similar sum if you book tickets in advance? If you bf travelling with a young baby isn't that hard. The older one will give you more of a headache!

JollyOldChristmas · 22/12/2012 17:05

I agree with this being time you cannot get back. It is so amazing and wonderful and difficult adjusting to life with a new baby and you really need to do it together.