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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit worried about dp planning to 'possibly' to go a wedding in NZ 3 weeks after our baby is born?

49 replies

bealos · 22/12/2012 15:11

I'm due to have a baby in a month (22 Jan is EDD), dp is originally from NZ and one of his best mates is getting married on 10th Feb. Him and one other are supposed to the best men over there.

He's saying he'll make a call 'nearer the time' as to whether he'll go to the wedding or not. When pressed, he says, if the baby comes on or before 16th January (baby would be 3 weeks old or more), he'd go on the trip to NZ for a week.

Now, there's obviously financial stuff - think it's going to be £1000+ to get a plane ticket to NZ last minute - but also the emotional. It's our first child together, though I have ds1 from a previous relationship (who lives with us). In my mind, I think it's very unlikely he'll want to jump on a plane to the other side of the world, when he has a tiny baby here, but I feel a bit odd and unsettled not knowing.

I know our baby is really important to him, I guess I'm a bit confused as to why this wedding is so important and why he wants to wait to make the decision. Admittedly, I've never been over to NZ and don't know these friends. I'd love to take a trip there soon though!

I think he's trying to have his cake and eat it and perhaps not want to 'let go' of a previously much more free and easy lifestyle, which obviously reduces down when you have kids.

Now, I've been trying to play it cool, and say, yes let's just see, but the closer I get to my due date I'm feeling more weirded out by this...

I don't want this to affect how I feel about the birth. I really want to feel supported and looked after.

OP posts:

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 22/12/2012 17:12

What anyone else thinks or feels is irrelevant. It's how you feel that matters. You need to talk to your DP and be honest with him about your feelings.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 22/12/2012 17:25

"I wouldn't want him to miss the wedding if it's at all possible for him to go. It's his best mate and he's best man."

I wouldn't want him to miss a week of his newborn baby's life.

It's his first child and he's the father.

Supposedly.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2012 17:35

Funnily enough, Sleighbells, I had realised that!

What feels right for you might not be right for others, including the OP or her DH. It's a tad shortsighted to think there's a absolute wrong or right in this situation.

And as I said, I think in the circumstances I would be okay with it too.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2012 17:36

a absolute an absolute

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/12/2012 17:47

OP another reason to decide now is that if he asks you when you are in newborn fug, you may just say anything for a quiet life but be seething inwardly (I did this re travelling three hours to see inlaws when baby was two weeks old).

MolehillAlchemy · 22/12/2012 20:19

If I was the bride, I'd feel a bit guilty that my guest had flown halfway round the world leaving his new baby. I'd feel bad for his partner and the baby...and also that he was a bit of a shit for doing it!

Imagine the other guests faces when he told them, I'm sure there'd be a few raised eyebrows.

AmberSocks · 22/12/2012 20:27

I can see others point about yourboth having a baby etc,but personally,i wouldencourage my dh togo (although in allhonesty i dont thinkhe would consider it)pbviously it depends on your baby and you and the birth (if you have a section you will need physical help) but i would be fine with a 3 week old on my own for a week.

You are obviously not comfrotablewith the idea so tellhim.

Fairyegg · 22/12/2012 20:47

My first thought is what if your baby is / gets sick (hopefully not but you never know). How would dp feel then being half way around the world? I think you have to be really honest with. Him about how you feel, and then let him make his own decision and pray it will be the right one.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 22/12/2012 21:08

If your baby is well how will he feel being halfway across the world from it for a third of its life so far?

It's totally fucking mind boggling that anyone would even contemplate it.

The biggest thing that has ever happened to you, and you're going to miss out on it for a fancy party?!

Who the fuck has those priorities?

expatinscotland · 22/12/2012 21:28

I wouldn't be happy with it.

RyleDup · 22/12/2012 21:34

I'd let him go, but I suppose it depends on how confident you feel coping with the baby by yourself.

LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants · 22/12/2012 21:51

He hasn't had a baby of his own. He doesn't know how he will feel when s/he arrives. He might feel that the last thing he wants to do is piss off to a party on the other side of the planet once he's held his baby in his arms for real.

I agree with the other posters about telling him how you feel though. Emotional honesty is vital and I'm a tad concerned that you feel you want to cover up your own feelings as that isn't fair to either of you.

TravelinColour · 22/12/2012 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 22/12/2012 22:04

"it depends on how confident you feel coping with the baby by yourself."

To me that is an utter irrelevance.

I would be so disappointed to realise that I was having a baby with a man for whom it came second to somebody else's wedding.

Original poster

bealos · 22/12/2012 22:06

We've had a chat and I've said that I'm feeling uncomfortable about not knowing if he's going to go or not. That I don't know if I'll need him there, but really I feel like I would like him to stay.

I think we'll chat about it some more but good to let him know my feelings and worries about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

bealos · 22/12/2012 22:10

We did talk about how it's not a possibility that I would go over to the other side of the world with a tiny baby, and therefore he will have a think about whether he should go, as we are having this baby together, it's not just me!

I would love it if we could go visit together later in the year.

OP posts:

NilentSight · 22/12/2012 22:10

Say you go 2 weeks overdue and end up with a CS ? So you'd be a week post op with a newborn and another child to look after ? You shouldn't have this worry hanging over you - he needs to realise that you and his baby have to be his priority this time.

RyleDup · 22/12/2012 22:17

Personally sleighbells, I don't think its a case of the baby coming second. I don't think the baby is considered to be second just because he wants to visit his home country for the one time event of seeing his best mate get married. But we're all different and obviously the op feels strongly that he should be at home. Which is fair enough too.

NamingOfParts · 22/12/2012 22:37

I think that it isnt simply how you will cope with a new baby but also how you will cope with having just had a baby plus also you have an older child to look after as well. Your whole family dynamic is about to change and your DP would rather be at the wedding of his mate.

susanann · 22/12/2012 22:58

I would feel abandoned and totally let down tbh. I would be very upset if he went. Its his 1st child, how can he not want to be here with you and his family? Has he been involved in the pregnancy, eg gone to scans and appointments with you?

Original poster

bealos · 22/12/2012 22:59

Yes susanann he's been very involved and is really excited about the baby.

I think when it comes down to it, I know what the pull of the heart strings is like with a new baby, yet he's not experienced that yet.

OP posts:

McChristmasPants2012 · 22/12/2012 23:03

Would you even get a passport in time

susanann · 22/12/2012 23:15

I think you need to spell it out to him!

sweetiepie1979 · 23/12/2012 00:30

I think you should just tell home how you feel, I can totally understand that he wants to go to his best friends wedding it not about holding in to single life it's just keeping in touch with his friends and this part of his life. I'd be happy for my husband to go if I had a bit of help and it's only a week. My husband would only do it if he thought I could cope ok so he is probably thinking you'll be fine and he doesn't have a baby of his own yet so I think it's hard for him to imagine the bond that he will have with the baby when it's here. I'd let him work it out himself hell be having lots of emotions coming up to your due date and at the time so if you can be patient with him do be if he is a great partner in lots of other ways.

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