...Parties on the last day of term, I know I probably am but need a rant

[NikkiAllieC77]

First post, although I've been a lurker for a while now.

I'll try to keep it short- DD is in year 3, in terms of her school friends there are a group of 4 of them who are particularly close, partly because the parents know each other well and they do things outside school together like brownies etc. DD and 3 friends have been at this school since reception as have most of the children, but a couple of new ones join in year 3 each year. One of the new girls as of September is in DD and friends' class, and has been playing with them a bit this term, but not all the time from what I can gather from DD- she says she plays with her once a week or so and sometimes she eats lunch with her. I'll call the new girl E.

So yesterday was the end of term, and when I went to pick DD up from school and she came out with her friends, it quickly became apparent that her 3 friends and two other girls in the class were going back to E's house for a birthday sleepover. One of DD's friend's mums was going to drive 3 of them there as they wouldn't all fit in E's mum's car. The mums of DD's friends, who I'm also quite friendly with, hadn't realised that DD hadn't known anything about it and wasn't invited- cue a very awkward couple of minutes before they all headed off home.

DD is understandably very upset she wasn't invited and yet her 3 best friends were, she did manage to hold it together in front of the other girls and mums but cried on the way home, very miserable today. Now I'm not angry as such, and definitely not at the mums of DD's friends, we've all gotten on very well for years and even if they did know DD wasn't invited, which I doubt, they couldn't exactly push for her to be invited to someone else's party. But AIBU to be sad for DD, and just a bit irritated at girl E's mum?

Nope, YANBU to be sad for your daughter and irritated at E's mum, or at E, since she probably asked for those girls to be invited.

But there's nothing you can do about it except help your daughter to understand that life isn't fair. Because it's not.

YABU.

Maybe E didnt want your DD there?

You've said she plays with her once again wk, maybe e plays with other girls more, yabu.

YABU -playing with her once a week & sometimes eating lunch with together is hardly a friendship!

It is sad, and you are allowed to feel sad and angry. However, maybe E's parents only had room for so many and unfortunately your child was further down the list. There are always children who aren't invited for whatever reason.

My son's friend wanted him at his birthday party but he wasn't invited because his friends mum says my son is too loud - he is well behaved, just a bit loud. I can think that is as unreasonable and sad as I like, but it was her choice and I and my son have to accept that.

I'd encourage your daughter to take the high ground and ask everyone if they had a nice time if she sees them in the holidays and if not, just forget it and move on.

Vagaceratops I think you've just hit the nail on the head as to what DD's worried about to be honest. She seems to think that E is now going to 'replace' her in her group of friends and she'll be left out in the cold. Now I know that girls will be girls and this sort of stuff is inevitable at this age, but the same time I can see from DD's point of view that it's quite pointed to invite all of a group of friends apart from her, as well as two other girls, so it's not like she could only have 3 friends IYSWIM. Obviously we can't do anything about it and DD needs to just get over it and move on, but I can see why she's so upset, I'm rather irritated at the mother.

YANBU to be sad for your DD, it's not nice being left out.

YABMU - in being even a tiny bit annoyed at E or her Mum - why should E invite your DD? Surely she gets to invite who she wants to her sleepover? Is there a particular reason you think she should invite people who are friends of the people she actually wants there?

Maybe the other girls have made E feel more welcome than your daughter?
So E gets to choose who comes to her party, that;s normal isn't it?
Of course your DD is going to be upset, but she obviously doesn't count E as a proper friend yet or they'd play more often together. What about other activities, does E share any of them? Is she in ability groups with the others in class?
Has E been on a playdate with any of them?
So YANBU to be sad for your DD, but YABU to be irritated at E's mum, she's put together a mixed group of girls to help her child make friends.

YANBU to be sad for your daughter.
However, YABU for being irritated with E.
She can invite whoever she likes for a sleepover and the other three girls are not just your DDs friends.
FWIW, I have some sympathy for E as I moved my children when they were in year 1 and 3 and it can be difficult making friends when other children have already known each other for years.

Maybe her Mum said she could invite 5 friends (so there would be an even group of 6 - uneven numbers can cause problems too!), so she invited the two she wanted 'most' then had to choose 3 out of 4 of the other 'group' - one of them had to miss out and maybe she doesn't know your DD as well, or maybe just clicks a little more with the others or whatever, really, it's not necessarily a major rejection!

All you can do for your DD is explain this could be the case and get it into perpective.

Sorry, haven't explained this very well! I'm not fed up that DD wasn't invited to the party, nor is she, she's said herself today that she doesn't know E very well. What she's upset about is that out of her group of best friends who are very much a 4, she is the only one who wasn't invited. Her 3 best friends don't see any more of E than DD does according to her, which I believe as she's always with those 3.

There was room for DD to go too- my friend (DD's friend's mum who drove some of the girls to E's house) rang to apologise for the whole awkward episode at pick up, she had thought we knew about it, assumed DD was going too as the other 3 in her group were.

So you need to consider some of the other reasons suggested.

While it is very sad and it's completely reasonable to be sad for your little girl, it could be due to any of the reasons mentioned above. Children can fall in and out of favor with each other very quickly and perhaps the little girl having the party didn't want your DD there. While it is horrible to exclude anyone, it can be hard to force your child to have another there if it will upset them and ruin the evening.

I think it's an awful and difficult situation and I feel so sorry for your little girl, but these things do happen sometimes. I would have a special day for you and her, do some nice things in an effort to distract her and perhaps organise a sleepover for her after Christmas.

I can see your POV.
Often a new child comes into a class and wittingly or unwittingly, totally upsets the applecart with regards to existing friendships. And if one child is left out in the cold then it's certainly horrible for that child.

Does your DD actually like this child? If so, is it worth cultivating a friendship with her? That would be a win/win all round.
But I would certainly do what I could outside of school to make sure the existing friendships don't sour.

I do feel if E was going to invite DD's 3 best friends then she should have invited DD too given they are a definite 4, but I'm fully aware I'm coming at this from an adult's perspective rather than an 8 year olds!

DD and her friends don't really have anything to do with E at all, I think DD was surprised they were invited at all tbh. Apparently there are other girls in the class who aren't invited that E plays with more, but this is according to DD and she obviously doesn't know who E is with all the time. First time any of DD's friends have been to E's house and haven't had her round, not sure about the other 2.

I have told DD she needs to keep it in perspective, just because her friends go to E's once without her doesn't mean she's going to be 'replaced' by January, etc. All a part of growing up I think!

I thinking you're getting over sensitive about it but I can understand why.

Just because the four girls have known each other since reception and always do things together does not mean another mother needs to invite all four girls if she wants one to come to the sleepover. It is unfortunate she invited three out of the four girls but the girls are individuals. Even twins don't always get invited to the same party.

The history of your dcs friendship with the the other three girls means nothing to the other mum. She'll have told her dd she could invite five friends to the sleepover and taken it from there.

DD's 3 best mates (yr6) had a sleepover last night, to mark a birthday.

DD pointedly not invited.

DD was very upset initially, but got over it within 36 hours. Still gave her mate a birthday present, and another for Christmas.

DD has a lot to teach us adults.

If I were you, I'd take my DD's mind off it by helping her to plan her own activity for her friends; not necessarily a sleepover, either.
I'd probably suggest that she invite E and another suitable child to pair with.

These things do happen in particular with girls: time to teach her how to cope with it.

Friends in reception probably won't be friends forever. Groups do change.

And like someone else said, twins don't always get invited to the same parties. It's just one of those things. You can't invite everyone to every sleepover, some people you get on with more than others for whatever reason. I hope your DD isn't still sad.

YABU, E is new and trying to make new friends in a school where all the kids already know each other. That's very hard, my DD just had to do it. E's Mum won't know all the friendship politics yet either. Give them a break, they're just trying to settle in

There's more of this to come I suspect so no point in getting upset.

As they get older the amount of friends invited to parties dwindles considerably and inevitably people start being left out. I doubt it's personal, just one of those things. Just forget it.

I don't think people look at 'groups' and feel obliged to invite everyone in it.
Anyway that gets horrendously complicated esp with girls as they get older and pal up then cool off with each other about a zillion times a week.

lljkk your DD sounds fantastic, well done her for being so grown up :)

Thank you everyone for your advise, you have knocked some sense into me but glad you still see where I'm coming from, thank you.

coconutty the others don't see any more of E than DD does, know that from the parents (we're all good friends) not just DD. I think that's why she's upset, but she's just going to have to rise above it.

I do think the way E's mum handled the whole situation was bad- DD and 3 friends came out of school first separate from E, I was standing with their mums and with E's mum so they all came over to the same place together. E came out afterwards followed by the other two girls and the mother made a huge fuss about the whole sleepover thing there in front of DD before E and the other two were even there- that I felt was insensitive, had she said nothing DD and I could well have been gone before E came out of school and DD need never have known anything about it.

I'm finding your attitude annoying now.

It has nothing to do with a 'childs' perspective or an 'adults' perspective. If I moved and met some people I would choose who I wanted to spend more time with. If I wanted to invite 3 couples around for dinner, I would - I wouldn't give a toss if they normally hung out with one other couple or not. Maybe I have a table that seats 8, maybe I'm not too fussed on the other couple my invite, my choice - theirs to accept or not.

You do NOT know whether they had room for another one or not. It was a sleepover at their house - surely they get to choose what number of children to invite not you or your friend with a space in her car?!

E is new(ish) to the school. She is allowed to choose her own friends. She does not have to invite entire groups to her house because they know each other. She does not have to invite children you perceive to be 'more available' to be her friend.

I'm not surprised your DD is worried that she will be 'replaced' - she's young enough for that to be a concern. You being annoyed about it is a total over reaction.

YANBU but at the same time as horrible as it is for your DD, it is a life lesson.

You and your DD are going about it the right way, keeping it in perspective!

All through life there are time you will feel left out or people will make arrangements and you wouln't be included. It feels nasty. It may simply be a logistical reason e.g. amount of space at E's house or her mum said she can have 3 friends and asked her to name 3. There will be times girl E will be left out too and each of your DDs other friends.

While your DD and you are understandably a bit angry about it and you just want to mak eit all better for your DD, theres nothing you can do and its better to use it as an opportunity to teach your DD how to deal with these things. And as you have done, keep reminding her she is not replaced in the group and you bet all the other girls wished she was there too. Talk about inviting them all (maybe even including E) over before they go back to school.
It can be really damaging for a child's self-esteem so its important to help your DD deal with it correctly, as you are.