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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Parties on the last day of term, I know I probably am but need a rant

38 replies

NikkiAllieC77 · 22/12/2012 13:32

First post, although I've been a lurker for a while now.

I'll try to keep it short- DD is in year 3, in terms of her school friends there are a group of 4 of them who are particularly close, partly because the parents know each other well and they do things outside school together like brownies etc. DD and 3 friends have been at this school since reception as have most of the children, but a couple of new ones join in year 3 each year. One of the new girls as of September is in DD and friends' class, and has been playing with them a bit this term, but not all the time from what I can gather from DD- she says she plays with her once a week or so and sometimes she eats lunch with her. I'll call the new girl E.

So yesterday was the end of term, and when I went to pick DD up from school and she came out with her friends, it quickly became apparent that her 3 friends and two other girls in the class were going back to E's house for a birthday sleepover. One of DD's friend's mums was going to drive 3 of them there as they wouldn't all fit in E's mum's car. The mums of DD's friends, who I'm also quite friendly with, hadn't realised that DD hadn't known anything about it and wasn't invited- cue a very awkward couple of minutes before they all headed off home.

DD is understandably very upset she wasn't invited and yet her 3 best friends were, she did manage to hold it together in front of the other girls and mums but cried on the way home, very miserable today. Now I'm not angry as such, and definitely not at the mums of DD's friends, we've all gotten on very well for years and even if they did know DD wasn't invited, which I doubt, they couldn't exactly push for her to be invited to someone else's party. But AIBU to be sad for DD, and just a bit irritated at girl E's mum?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/12/2012 15:41

had she said nothing DD and I could well have been gone before E came out of school and DD need never have known anything about it

So you'd have preferred her to find out next term? I'm sure there would be a possibility of that happening.

bamboostalks · 22/12/2012 15:42

The worse thing you can do is get too involved in your child's friendships. If you attach too much to this episode your dd will pick up that vibe and get more upset than she should. It all sounds intense what with the other mother phoning you etc. from this new girls perspective, it sounds like a tricky group to infiltrate and find ER feet. Maybe invite her to tea and welcome her rather than closing ranks and protecting your dd's little gang.

Original poster
NikkiAllieC77 · 22/12/2012 15:49

In all fairness I hadn't thought about there not being enough room at E's house, that is a good point. Xmas Blush

I don't think DD would have been as upset about it if she found out about it next term to be honest- the families of the 4 of them in her group are all getting together for a New Years Eve party and we'd been planning to have her friends round before terms starts anyway, so I think although it would have upset DD a bit it's not the same as suddenly being confronted with it unexpectedly IYSWIM, she would have had time with her friends over the holidays without E so she wouldn't have the same 'I'm being replaced' fears.

I think the way E's mum conducted herself wasn't great but I'm sure she wasn't meaning to rub it in DD's face, though I can see how it came across that way to DD. It's just irritating because although girls are notorious for this sort of thing we've made it this far with DD's friends all getting on, drama free. Though I'm absolutely not saying E shouldn't be included in their group, just feel sad for DD that they weren't all included.

OP posts:
threesocksfullofchocs · 22/12/2012 15:49

I do hope you are inviting E to your bash

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 22/12/2012 15:53

This happened to my DS 1 at least twice. He simply was the fourth best friend of some of his other friends.

It definitely stings a bit, and made me harbour slightly nasty feeling towards the other mums, but really you have to just accept that this is life, as you are doing.

I think that the hurt or sense of injustice is partly because, in Primary, their frienships often follow our friendships. All the new girl has done is choose for herself

In secondary, they get to really choose their own friends

Original poster
NikkiAllieC77 · 22/12/2012 15:53

E is going to be invited to ours before term starts along with the other three, yes, we'll probably invite the parents too in which case E's parents will also be invited. Talked to DD about that this afternoon and she's fine with that, she's calmed down considerably and is viewing it as a nice chance to get to know E. The new years eve bash is being organised by one of the other mums and I don't know if she's invited E and her parents or not.

OP posts:
threesocksfullofchocs · 22/12/2012 15:54

that is nice of you Xmas Smile

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 22/12/2012 15:55

So - have you invited E and her parents to your New Years Eve party?

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 22/12/2012 16:01

Can i hazard an observation?

It seems to me that mums of girls sometimes get very involved in their daughter's friendships, and take their social lives very personally in a way that perhaps mums of boys do not?

I would just warn against entangling yours and their social lives too much. When it goes wrong it really goes wrong

I may be barking up the wrong tree. I have to admit i'm a bit antisocial myself. Secondary school is coming as something of a relief.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 22/12/2012 16:01

Did her mum know your dd and her group of friends are so close? She might have just said right E who do you want, prompted a few names and wrote the list without giving a thought to your dd. You can't really expect mum to know everyone and who they're friends with.

I've sent out invites for dd's birthday partie, I don't know all the girls names (it's a girls only pj party) and now I'm frantically racking my brain hoping dd hasn't done the same thing as E as I don't have a clue who's who in her class. even though we've been there a year now

lljkk · 22/12/2012 16:17

It's awful to see your child excluded. :(.

badguider · 22/12/2012 16:22

If E is new she probably just reeled off the names of some girls she wanted to invite home for sleepover and her mum invited them.
I personally wouldn't see it as such a big thing. The 'obvious foursome' probably isn't quite as obvious if you don't know the history or just observe for a short period of time.

DewDr0p · 22/12/2012 16:30

I'm sorry you're upset by this OP; I agree it's not nice to see your child excluded from something all their friends are doing.

I would hazard a guess though that the reality goes like this... E's Mum thinks to herself "oh I hope E is settling into school OK, she seems to play with lots of different children rather than having a special group of friends... I know let's invite some round. 4 would be a good number to have - they can all just about squash in her room - I'd rather it were 3 inc E but 3 can be an awkward number. Can't face the thought of any more just before Christmas!" Mum asks E to name 3 girls to invite... E reels off A B & C... Mum is new to area and has no idea that A B & C normally come as a set with DD... E all pleased about her party... Mum congratulates herself on helping out E with her new friends. The End.

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