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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about future sister in law's pregnancy

46 replies

Missy44 · 21/12/2012 12:17

I don't know if I'm being really horrible here but please help me out.

My fiance and I git engaged about 9 months ago and we've recently started looking at wedding venues/locations/etc. We've booked and paid for one we like and last night I told my bridesmaids to look forward to a September wedding next year.

Today I had a phone call from fiance. His sister is pregnant and due around that time. I phoned her and congratulated her immediately, she and her husband are great parents and it will be lovely.

However, I can't help feeling privately quite upset. She's always had the help and attention and I know that all our wedding plans are going to have to change now. My father died 4 years ago and the wedding was always going to be hard, I've deliberately picked a rural barn location in the middle of nowhere cos I thought that might help with it being more relaxed. I'm worried that she's unlikely to come. Fiances parents are unlikely to drink or enjoy and the day is going to be spent with all the family concerned about her. Is this completely horrible of me?

OP posts:
Pooka · 21/12/2012 12:21

I thinks that you're getting into a lather unnecessarily.

I take it that it isn't her first child? Why would your fiancés parents be unlikely to drink, and why will everyone be worrying about her?

RobotLover68 · 21/12/2012 12:24

sorry I think you're over thinking this - she'll be pregnant or will have just had the baby, it really won't take the shine off your wedding...unless you let it

ArkadyRose · 21/12/2012 12:28

She didn't get pregnant just to ruin your wedding you know. YABU - and there's more than a touch of Bridezilla about this post.

TeamBacon · 21/12/2012 12:28

Yes, it's horrible of you.

Just go ahead with plans..

PumpkinPositive · 21/12/2012 12:28

I've deliberately picked a rural barn location in the middle of nowhere cos I thought that might help with it being more relaxed. I'm worried that she's unlikely to come

Most likely she won't be the only one not to come if that's the location. My cousin did this and experienced a lot of thanks but no thanks (cost of transport to the venue, accommodation, etc).

rubyslippers · 21/12/2012 12:29

you're over thinking

stick with your plans

it sounds like you think she's done it deliberately to upstage you

if she doesn't come, that will be her choice

i went to my DB's wedding with my 4 week old - was marvellous for everyone Smile

rubyslippers · 21/12/2012 12:31

you actually sound jealous of her - "she's always had the help and attention"

"all the family will be concerned about her"

do you like her?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/12/2012 12:32

You are being a bit horrible. It will be a wonderful time for your families to share each others happiness, having two big significant special occasions close together.

The only reason it wouldn't be a good thing is if either or both of you are jealous of the other, or if you can't cope with not being the centre of attention for weeks at a time.

chrismissymoomoomee · 21/12/2012 12:35

Bridezilla alert.

Do you expect everyone to put their lives and plans on hold in case it impacts on your wedding?

When I got married it was about me and DH, as long as he was there and happy I couldn't have cared less about anything else. My Mum went off in a mood because her boyfriend was drunk and my MIL point blank refused to talk to me because she hated me, it didn't impact my wedding day one bit because I didn't let it. I suggest you be more concerned about your DP than whether everyone is going to be there fawning over you and you alone all day.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 21/12/2012 12:39

You are way overthinking this. Why would your SIL being pregnant stop your PILs to be from drinking?

I took a newborn to a wedding and no one gave a stuff as they were too focussed on the bride and groom.

Totes Bridezilla.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/12/2012 12:39

You sound a bit horrible but you're quite stressed about the wedding aren't you? A lot of that is I think is down to your sadness that your dad won't be there. That's understandable. It also explains your feelings about her always being the centre of her parents attention. It's just something you envy a bit because you don't have that anymore. I don't think it makes you a bad person,just human.

But really,just carry on with your plans. I'm sure your SIL wouldn't imagine that you would be worrying about her. Happy for her yes,worried no.

Go ahead with your plans and have a lovely wedding.

BerryChristmas · 21/12/2012 12:43

I don't think you sound horrible, I just think you are getting in a stew about nothing.

People get pregnant, people die, people move, people split up - life, despite your wedding, will carry on as normal.

You are already starting to be a Bridezilla - stop now.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 21/12/2012 12:46

Go ahead with your plans as you would have and don't change anything.

My DHs best man announced his gf was pregnant on the day he was asked to be best man, and I did have a bridezilla strop about it. As I wasn't a massive fan I hers.

At the wedding she came even though she was obviously knackered as she was 8 months pregnant an it made no difference to the wedding at all, I was very grateful she came.

You are over thinking everything just now, you will spend most of your wedding day mingling with guests and don't notice things trust me.

DontmindifIdo · 21/12/2012 12:47

a barn in the middle of nowhere isn't relaxed anyway. It's stressful to get there, someone's always got to be the designated driver if there's not a large cheap hotel in walking distance. If it's a long way from where the majority of people live they will have to worry about getting there - will anyone have to take a day off work just to travel?

While for you, the wedding is the most important thing happening in your life, it's just a nice day out for everyone else. It really isn't a big deal for anyone else.

Now, you say they are already good parents, so this isn't the first grandchild or anything like that, so it's not going to be such a big deal for the rest of the family.

Original poster
Missy44 · 21/12/2012 12:47

Yeah I know it does sound horrible of me and this is why I came on here cos I don't want to vent at anyone before I had a chance to think it through. Fiances sister is lovely and I do like her lots. We are all quite close and I want her there. During her last pregnancy she wasn't well at the end and we all rallied around. Fiances parents didn't drink in the last month and were constantly on pins.

I'm worried that 1. It's unlikely she'll be able to come and I know that fiance will miss her. 2. Fiances parents will be on pins and unable to relax. 3. If she wasn't well like last time, the family would be quite far away from her if she was at home with her husband.

To the other points, we have different personalities-she is forceful and blunt and is usually the centre of attention, I'm much quieter and more happy to blend into the background usually. She is a great future sister in law and I'm lucky to have her. I adore my nephew and want them to share our day like we shared theirs.

I'm not worried about the rural location, we picked a small venue and have already been guaranteed that friends and family will be there (unless fiance sister can't make it)

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 21/12/2012 12:48

Yes, yes Chrismissy - totally agree. Wedding should be about the couple in love. OP, if you really think SIL is more important than getting married to your DF, that's entirely your problem to deal with. Don't change your plans for a moment. Try to keep perspective. You have your life to live. Other people have theirs. Don't try to control anyone else's or you will be bound for disappointment and upset. Focus on your own. You are in love. Enjoy it. Make it last.

firawla · 21/12/2012 12:51

I think it will be fine. It's not her first baby you said? sure she will just get on with it then and not be making a lot of fuss or anything. I was very heavily pregnant in one of my bros weddings, and it wasn't an issue or took any attention from them. Everyone knows the wedding is for the bride and groom, noone will take that away from you. I think its more hard because of your dad, the pregnant sil is not too much of a real issue but just let your self mope about it for couple of day if you want - dont tell her or show any sign you are feeling like this! then just pick your self up and get on with it. Sure the wedding will go great the pregnancy doesnt have to affect it at all

EuroShagmore · 21/12/2012 12:51

I think you are overthinking this. Just make your plans. She may or may not come, but you will have other guests and relations there to celebrate with.

FWIW, we didn't know until 24 hrs before the ceremony whether the groom's brother (and wife, because she didn't want to do the drive without him) would come. He was due back from the sand pit a few days before, but his flight got grounded due to a sandstorm. It would have been a shame if he hadn't made it, but it wouldn't have had a huge effect on the day. Life (and in my case the RAF's timetable) cannot revolve around your wedding.

LRDtheFeministDude · 21/12/2012 12:51

If you've picked a location in the middle of nowhere, obviously, most people won't be drinking much as they'll have to drive afterwards. Fine if that's what you want, but I'm not sure why your PIL would be different? Confused

I think if you'd just announced your engagement last weekend, it might possibly have been sweet of them to sit on their news for a couple of weeks to let you have your moment in the sun, but they shouldn't have to and after 9 months, it's pretty ridiculous to be feeling overshadowed by her announcing her pregnancy.

Is there more going on that this? You say she's always had the help and attention and I can't help wondering if you're letting this news be an excuse for getting angry with her when there is something else going on really?

DontmindifIdo · 21/12/2012 12:51

also, when is she due? Is it end of August? She might not be able to go at all to your wedding. Or she'll have a very tiny baby and if it's not at a hotel she can retreat too, not stay for a long time. If it's more than a 2 hour drive from their house they might not make it and if she has a late baby or csection she might still be recovering and not able to travel herself.

You might want to talk to your DP, is it important to him that his sister makes it to his wedding? In that case, you might want to see if you can change your wedding date. Not ideal, but beter than putting pressure on a "about to pop" or new mum to travel.

HarderToKidnap · 21/12/2012 12:54

Even if she missed her period today and got a positive test, her due date would only be the 30th August. September babies haven't been conceived yet. Are you sure of the facts? Maybe it's got lost on translation and actually she's due a few weeks before the wedding. As you've only just booked it, I would definitely try and change the date as I'd want my sil present.

YoSaffBridge · 21/12/2012 12:55

This is life. Sorry. Things happen that are our of our control.

I can understand why you feel put out about this, even if I don't quite agree with you, but it's not in anyone's interests to admit this in real life.

Your SIL is pregnant and due around the time of your wedding, and that's not going to change. So really you have three options:

1 - go ahead with the wedding as it is but know that there is a chance she won't be there, possible not her husband and son as well.

2 - change the wedding venue to one that is more convenient for her and your PIL's in case the baby does come right before the wedding.

3 - change the wedding date entirely.

jinglebellyalltheway · 21/12/2012 12:55

Look not everyone would come anyway, not many weddings have 100% attendance! Our venue and our photographer both told us to calculate our real numbers as about 75 - 85% less than invited, unfortunately(ish - I mean it was nice!) we had an unusually high attendance with almost all comming and it was a bit of a squeeze, the venue said that our turn out was unusual. Even so, with all our yeses and lack of no RSVPs, when it came to the actual time a close family member was ill on the day, a friend's child had a bug so the whole family stayed away.

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where everyone was there - its impossible to have everyone free and well etc on the same day, but I would say that a probable reason for us having such a high attendance rate was because our venue was in a town with full range of public transport plus choice of every kind of accomodation from hostel to 5* hotel!

The kind of venue you have chosen is the kind that gets the most declines IMO

Be realistic OP, getting married isn't about having a 100% attendance rate to your guest list!

DontmindifIdo · 21/12/2012 12:56

Actually, reading your update, I'd speak to the venue and see if you can move it to October. Guessing she's due in August, that should allow her time to recover and be there, making the family able to relax.

As others have said, most people will be driving, so your PIL probably won't be drinking anyway.

SarahWarahWoo · 21/12/2012 12:56

My sister in law, best mans wife couldn't travel to our wedding as she was very pregnant with her second child, I was sad but didn't take it personally, neither should you. I even gave the best man an out, if he wanted to bow out then he could have. This won't ruin your big day, having a falling out with the family will! Carry on your plans, if baby arrives maybe he/she will attend? If not then include a mention in the speeches. If news immient and mobile phone signal is an issue find a landline that can be used. Even if baby is born during the day of your wedding then the in laws wont expect to visit same day.