To be upset about future sister in law's pregnancy

[Missy44]

I don't know if I'm being really horrible here but please help me out.

My fiance and I git engaged about 9 months ago and we've recently started looking at wedding venues/locations/etc. We've booked and paid for one we like and last night I told my bridesmaids to look forward to a September wedding next year.

Today I had a phone call from fiance. His sister is pregnant and due around that time. I phoned her and congratulated her immediately, she and her husband are great parents and it will be lovely.

However, I can't help feeling privately quite upset. She's always had the help and attention and I know that all our wedding plans are going to have to change now. My father died 4 years ago and the wedding was always going to be hard, I've deliberately picked a rural barn location in the middle of nowhere cos I thought that might help with it being more relaxed. I'm worried that she's unlikely to come. Fiances parents are unlikely to drink or enjoy and the day is going to be spent with all the family concerned about her. Is this completely horrible of me?

Thanks everyone its helped to put it in perspective. I'be been dreading organising the wedding because all I can think of is that awful moment when I have to walk down the aisle and my father who I adored won't be there. I'm marrying the most wonderful man but he wants a party and I just want to be married so we compromised and picked a small venue where our favourite people can join us. Family is really important to me.

It's stressed me out that its only been booked a few days and there's changes. I am so happy for sil and I want her to have a really healthy pregancy. I'm worried that because she was ill at the end of the last one it will make everyone extra nervous. I'll talk it over with h2b and family and if everyone is happy to go ahead then so be it.

p.s. if you change the day, someone else might not make it for whatever reason

"I'm worried that because she was ill at the end of the last one it will make everyone extra nervous."

noone will be carefree and thinking 100% of you on your wedding, people will still have money/health/relationship things on their minds!

I've just remembered as well - one of DH's mates came to our wedding when she was nine months pregnant. It was really nice of her and it meant a huge amount to DH that she took the trouble, but honestly, she looked so uncomfortable and knackered, I really felt for her! There is a picture which I've never shown her, where you can just see from her expression that she wants to be nowhere but home in bed.

So maybe it's a kindness if she can't make it?!

I think Yabu,however this is your bridezilla alert. Do not show your fiancé your feelings. Don't rebook it,she will know & feel hideously pressured to attend,which given it's in a barn she may not fancy when either heavily pg or perhaps bf. The ils might not drink,do they have to to enjoy the day?
Just enjoy planning your wedding & if they are there,great.

I was your sil. Dbro got engaged on engaged on the Sunday and she asked me to be bridesmaid. On the Wednesday I found out I was pg.
He mother was a nightmare she demanded another bridesmaid stop ttc until after the wedding (which she did).
In the end dbro told his mil to be to keep her nose out and that if she thought about it, I was pg before they got engaged, I just didn't know. Sil is my best friend and was fine. But her mother made me feel like shit.
Luckily me and dbro are close and he adores my kids and wouldn't put up with it.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. But everyones life plans can not be centred around your wedding. We were ttc for a couple of years and I wouldn't have stopped.

Sil knew when she asked if i would be bridesmaid that i was ttc.

These things are unforeseeable and she didn't do it on purpose! Just move the wedding forwards or backwards by a few weeks - no biggie really. I do think you should move it to at least a month away from her due date either way though, otherwise it could risk overshadowing things, which would be no-one's fault, but a distinct possibility.

and if you do re-book, for when? I've felt most able to do stuff at the end of my pregnancies than earlier on, and newborns can be more portable than older teething unsettled babies. There really is no telling when it's best to do stuff with pregnancies/babies, I suppose that 2nd trimester is usually a best bet but some people have problems and scares then too

I found I could go to more things with a newborn than with an older baby as my newborn just slept, but someone who is EBFing would find a whole day hard I'd imagine and would be off in the car/room expressing a lot, and some newborns have colic or reflux etc

And actually the time when I had to say no to everything was much later - potty training stage! and in that stage (which dragged on) babysitters weren't an option either

She might not come whatever date you pick, others might not come, people will be distracted by "normal" life - as will you actually!

September is more than 9 months away, is this going to be the longest pregnancy in the history of the world?

I would say you make a list of who you need to be there for you to be happy, so that would normally be close family and your closest friends/bridesmaids - then pick a date that suits them. Everyone else is a 'nice to have' - I would suggest the grooms sister is a "must be there" person, so it's not unreasonable to move hte date to suit her. (Although if you tell others youare moving the date, be warned she probably doesn't want the pregnancy to be generally known yet)

If you can organise it in time, I'd be tempted to bring it forward to June. 7 months pregnant is a good time for wedding attendance - I went to 2 round then and moved house.

(although you will have to get your dress sorted asap as they often want 6 months to order them).

(am full term right now, and if I was invited to a local wedding right now I would go with bells on! I'm on maternity leave and bored and fairly full of energy - am going out tonight and tomorrow night, your SIL may have been ill last time but every pregnancy is different!

However have been invited to a wedding when the baby is a few months old and don't know how to RSVP as I haven't met that child, dunno when it'll be teething, dunno if I'll be BFing, dunno if it'll go to babysitters or if it'll love noise and people like DS1 or hate it????)

You are overthinking, don't change anything unless you really want to - other people will be pregnant / ill too, the world doesn't revolve round your wedding.

Don't see why everyone will be concerned by her, unless on the very unlikely scenario that she is in hospital actually giving birth during the wedding.

YABVU to be upset about it, you should feel happy for her.

Oh dear, let me tell you about weddings....

The first wedding anyone goes to is pretty great. Your own wedding is really exciting. Every other wedding under the sun is a PITA.

They are expensive (think travel, accommodation, present, outfit, day off work for those not on a weekend), take up half a weekend (or holiday allowance), and boring.

At a certain stage in life people can be lumbered with one practically every weekend which is unaffordable, and invasive. Sometimes it is nice to just get the housework done and relax at a weekend rather than jump into a car and rush off, again.

At a later stage in life they are a childcare nightmare.

When you have been married for years and experienced 'life' you can't help sitting there thinking 'those poor bastards.... they have NO idea'.

As for ones set in beautiful locations in the middle of nowhere - they are the worst. You have to drive, so can't even drink, or get a cab which will cost a fortune.

So stop being paranoid that your poor SIL will grab your limelight. She won't. the main thing that will distract people will be life - how they are going to get home/pay the hotel bill/get away from the boring f*rt they are sitting next to/avoid the member of the family they are having a feud with.

Finally, don't change your date to fit round her - like she needs the pressure of knowing she HAS to turn up, whatever, because you changed the date especially for her. If she has a new born she won't want to go. Think about childbirth - it's rough. She may be leaking from places you'd rather not think about, in pain, and unable to sit down for long periods unless it's on a rubber ring. Plus she may be breast feeding. Some people are happy whipping 'em out in a corner - I personally wouldn't be, and neither would I want to have to squeeze my post birth tummy and huge leaking breasts into something remotely wedding-y.

Relax, accept this is your big day, enjoy it, but be aware that for a lot of people kind enough to make the effort to show up it is just another obligation, and while they are delighted for you, they might well be more delighted for you if they were somewhere else.

Thats just what I was thinking Blipbip Even if shes due on the 1st september that would put her at about 2 weeks pregnant?? Seems a bit strange to tell the family that early.

I'm not sure about the dates here - what end of September is your wedding? Sorry if I've missed the info.

I got my positive pregnancy test (quite early - before my period was due) on New Year's Eve. DS arrived on his due date of 9 September. He was barely even conceived by this point in December, so when is SIL actually due?

I set the date of my wedding ages in advance - had to, as my family are all in Australia so had to sort travel dates and holidays. As it happened, one of my two bridesmaids had twins 3 months before the wedding, and DH's best man's first child arrived 4 weeks prior. It was occasionally stressful because with babies there are so many unknowns, but all babies were at the wedding along with their parents and it was lovely. Not what I'd planned, but lovely. I was particularly touched and amazed that both parents of a 4 week old baby were there!

As it happened, my brother couldn't come because he had his final exams at uni three days after the wedding, so travelling to the other side of the world wasn't on the cards. It was upsetting, but we found other ways for him to be involved (he wrote part of my dad's speech) and ultimately my wedding day was fantastic because I tried to keep those things in perspective.

It's a marriage, not a wedding. Please try and chill or you'll make yourself into a neurotic wreck with the time ahead of you.

And what pinkdelight said

I am very sorry about your dad. No wonder you are feeling emotional

I too was a bit confused about the dates.
How long is this pregnancy going to last ?
If it really is booked for around her due date, then have a look at how simple it might, or might not be to move it. It's not ideal, but just one of those coincidences - not done on purpose. She presumably has told you this early in pregnancy to give you the opportunity to do that if you choose to. It would be the nice thing to doso dh can have his sister and her family there.

Something similar happened to me. I announced I was pregnant after 7 years of trying and my SIL got engaged and booked her wedding a month later on the nearest date she could get to my due date. She then made sure that all her family's attention was on the wedding and we were hassled constantly about how we were going to get there in time. (It was 8 hours drive away). When DS turned up 10 days before the wedding I was told I was being unreasonable not to get me (after an emergency forceps), DH and my ebf baby to the wedding. I could hardly walk due to low bp, multiple stitches and a baby feeding every hour. We didn't go.
So what I would say is that unless you know for sure that your inlaws and Sil are the most reasonable well adjusted people in the world and if you don't want to be annoyed by any sense of competition or any sense of unfairness then change the date so there will be no clash whatsoever. Obviously my SIL is an attention seeking mentalist and yours maybe a saint.

I can see why you are stressed out, a similar thing happened around my wedding, DH's brother and their wife fell pregnant with their first child and inlaws first grandchild after our wedding date was set and the baby was due in the same week as the wedding and I worried too about the effect it would have on the wedding. We had asked BIL to be best man and him and his wife to be our witnesses and ended up asking a couple who are friends of ours to take over the role instead as we didn't want the stress of having to wait and see if they would actually be there or not on the wedding day and having to get last minute stand ins. As it turned out the baby was 5 days old by the time the wedding happened and SIL didn't attend as she was still in hospital recovering from a c section. The only slight niggle on the day around the whole thing was that BIL came to the ceremony but chose not to come to the meal and speeches because he went to the hospital for afternoon visiting instead, I know DH was a bit hurt by that as DH is quite quiet and introverted and it was hard for him to get up and make a speech and I know he would have liked his brother there to support him with it (SIL had her friends and people from her side of the family who weren't at the wedding to visit too so it's not like she would have been alone in hospital for that visiting time without BIL there but I can see how BIL was keen to see his first child when he got the chance).

I wouldn't change the wedding date OP, just go with it and try not to stress over other people too much, as long as you and your soon to be DH are there, the minister and some witnesses that's all that really matters.

Don't change the date, just go ahead with your plans, there will be no "right" day to change it to anyway. My SIL announced 9 months before our wedding that she wouldn't be coming as she would have a 3 month old by then (PFB) and wouldn't be able to manage. It wouldn't have made ANY difference if we had changed the dates, she had already decided it wouldn't work for her. She stayed at home and my DB came and had a great time.

As for those people grumbling about rural locations - er, just organise a minibus to go a few runs to/from local town or nearest hotel where everyone is staying.

Hope you have a lovely wedding day and a happy married life. Don't stress about this, it's really minor in the grand scheme of things.