To veto DHs NY plans?

[DuddlePuck]

So far we have no plans for NY this year. I personally hate the hype and expectation that everyone has an amazing time, and was quite looking forward to a few drinks at the local. I can stumble walk home, we don't have to worry about the dog and I know I can buy a bottle of vino for 7 quid so it needn't cost a fortune either.

DH dropped into conversation last night that he might get in touch with his old friends about NY and see if we could join them at their party. I straight up said I didn't want to go. I sound like a right miserable cow, but

1. the party is a long way away, so we'd have to stay over.
2. they are his friends, rather than being mutual acquaintances, so although I know them, I wouldn't choose to spend time with them.
3. They hark back to a time is his life when he was very much a 'party animal'. It will not be a sedate game of monopoly with After Eights, IYSWIM.

I feel like I'm being a pooper by just vetoing without finding out any more details, especially as we are hoping to be pg this time next year, so this is kind of a last blowout year for him. I've said he can go and I'll stay home, but it is our first married Christmas and he's not likely to do that.

Should I just suck it up and go, knowing that he'll have a great time and its probably the last time I'll have to do this? Or should I stick to my guns and push for a quiet one down the pub?

Hmmm, I'm a big fan of low key NY, but I'd probably go if he really wanted to.

You are both adults but only you seem to have a say in how you celebrate new year. If you both want to do different things then either do that or make new plans that compromise rather than demand your own way.

Sorry, without drip feeding, he did later reveal that he'd received a text from one of them, inviting us, which is how he knew about it. Basically he was just wanting the ok from me.

He is also blissfully unaware just how uncomfortable I would be, so thinks its a great idea and we'd both have a wonderful time

Difficult one....I'm a fan of quiet nights with wine. But if he really wants to go/its a chance for him to have fun and see his friends then I would probably go -so long as he wasn't being a arse about it!

Im grateful for any invite these days - sine we've all had kids no one has the babysitters/money etc GO GO GO!

Ahh, you've many many years of low key NYE ahead what with kids planned and all. Go! What's the worse than can happen? You never know, you might have a blast. And if not, it's just a night...

I still remember my last "proper" NY night out, when I was a few weeks pg with ds1 (so not even drinking, but still at a club!) I remember it because I've never managed to get out since. A local pub might be an option for you if/when you have kids, the party won't be.
Can you work on what you won't like about it,get him to promise to talk to you or not drink too much or whatever.

Tbh it sounds more like u wish he wouldn't be a party animal type than really much to do with wAnting a quieter night. Ur tone really alters once the old crew are mentioned. I'd been on ur side at the start but reading it all, I'm on his.

I see no like, or interest on ur part for his mates. Get to like some of them. Most will naturally drop out of ur life when ur preg anyway. How come u get to set the tone of ny eve without his opinion involved? Stay at a hotel/travel lodge u dont have to kip on floors.

Have a good one but do it together. U might even enjoy it....

I'd go. The local isn't exactly going to be quiet and it will be full of people you don't know as well.

You'll probably be having quiet new years for umpteen years to come, so it can't hurt to have one last bash.

Is there a way to compromise though? Do you have mutual friends who live closer who are doing something fun? Basically, see if you can still party a bit without having to go far away and hang out with people you don't know.

And why isn't your husband aware that you'd feel uncomfortable? Did you not tell him?

Ok, I was a little too subtle about the party animal nature of the night as I didn't want to get into a big debate, and I don't particularly want to fend off judgy LTBs. I'm not at all adverse to the odd night out, love a dance and am partial to a round of sambuca, but these are people who do use coke and pills on a regular basis. With it being NY and therefore a big night, they will be present in abundance. I'm not into it, never have been, and DH has toned it down massively in the last few years. Now reserved to special occasions when he's out with the boys.

So I'm likely to be in a strange place with people i don' know well and DH chewing his face off by midnight...

I don't think I'm going to explain this very well but the rule in our house is we go with the person's plan that's most bothered/excited. So in this situation you don't sound like you're really looking forward to the pub, where as he is really excited about seeing his friends, in that case I'd go. I reckon you'll probably have a great time.

I know it sounds a bit wet but in these circumstance I find it nice (and enjoyable even) to know I've done something nice for my partner and put him first.

I knew you meant that

Tell your DH that too?

I was a little too subtle about the party animal nature of the night as I didn't want to get into a big debate

That's not called being subtle, it's called drip-feeding.

You thought that the initial information you gave was enough to put you in the right - it wasn't.

Not wanting to go to a party where there will be drugs is different to not wanting to go to a party because you would prefer a quiet evening.

Dreaming, I have told him now, as he was a bit taken aback by how quickly I said no. Seemed a bit fed up but not massively pissed off. As I'm quite a sociable person (believe it or not), I can get on with most people on a superficial level, so he thought we all got on great.. To me, an overnight a long way away is very different.

Totally get where you're coming from op.

We have friends that are identical.

We did join in back in the day but we fortunately grew up. They didn't in some respects.

We still see them but decline social invitations that we know will involve copious class a's.

Trills, I didn't mean to drip feed, I thought the IYSWIM was enough of a hint. Should have been more explicit in my original post, sorry.

Tell him why. And tell him if he is serious about ttc, to lay off the drugs.

YANBU to not want to go to a party with drugs. That's pretty simple.

Have you told him why you don't want to go? Not just hinted but said it outright?

I agree with the drip feed. I thought you meant it would be a heavy drinking session with a lot of old jokes.

I'd not be going under the circumstances

Probably not Trills. I said I don't know them that well and wouldn't be comfortable staying over, but didn't relate it back to to drugs.
I'm very conscious of being 'That woman' who married Mr Duddle who used to be such fun, now look at him. It was such a massive part of his life for so long I really want him to be able to 'get it out of his system' before he really has to settle down.

And I've just had a bit if a revelation. Think this might have something to do with my feelings about my Dad. My parents married and had kids young (we are not that young btw). He didn't get that time and left home when I was in my early teens to live a playboy lifestyle. Perhaps I'm scared that if I don't let DH do this stuff now, he'll grow to resent me for it.

Wow. Christmas headfuck. Sorry, this thread has turned into something else entirely. Need a chat with DH when he gets home...

Oh gosh, that is a mindfuck realisation. But it's good to have it -- it will help you separate out your reactions, so you can try to see if you're reacting to your DH or to your fears based on your dad.

I think I would talk to your DH and see how important this really is to him. Does he feel like he strongly needs one last party before kids? Or is he not that bothered?

I actually do think it's important to get a lot of stuff out of your system before kids. I know in my last year pre-DC I did a lot of crazy travel and partying and then I just sort of felt 'done' and able to really commit to a different kind of life.

I can totally see why you don't want to go and I don't think you should have to. On the other hand, it's one night, which is not a big price to pay if there is a lot of emotional payoff in the long term.

Dont have a child with a manchild who needs drugs to enjoy a night out....

For me the NYE night wouldn't be the problem. My husbands drug use would be.

Why are you even contemplating having a child with a drug user? Yes, he is reckless taking drugs, but you are just as bad wanting to bring a child into an environment like that.

Agre with amothersruin and alphabet, do not have a child with this man, I would not even stay with a drug user.