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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not going to DP for christmas lunch

29 replies

mamasr · 20/12/2012 18:55

DP has just decided he wants to go to his parents for christmas day.

Original plan was to eat christmas lunch with my parents, family & grandparents then go over to his at around 4:30 for some dinner etc.

We were with my family last year but that was because his parents didn't want to bother with christmas - they have always said they don't really bother with it ie. don't have a tree etc. so can see him argument that we can't spend every year with my family (wasn't intended on doing)

So now he is saying he wants to go there & is being very stressy about it saying well i will take DS with me and you go to your parents. TBH i would normally give in & go with him for this year but this is possibly the last year that i can enjoy having semi healthy grandparents around, My grandad is fighting cancer, 85 and not in the best health anyway and my granny has got dementia.. she is sort of with it at the moment but even the last two months she has got so much worse so by this time next year i imagine (if she is still here) she will not be able to have a conversation etc.

DP is saying i am being selfish and i'm starting to doubt myself... WWYD?

OP posts:

Hassled · 20/12/2012 18:58

If you go to his family for the lunch itself, how much of the day could you spend with grandparents etc? Is there a way you could split the day more evenly so you have the DP family meal but still see a decent amount of your family? I do see your point - but equally, I see his.

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2012 19:01

I think you are being reasonable and he is not.

Is he your child's father?

It is what, 4 days until Christmas and he's changing plans? That's unacceptable, in my opinion. Presumably you've told your mum you're coming and she's made plans accordingly. His parents were told you were going there at 4.30, so presumably they've made plans, too.

Do you two live together?

patchesmcp · 20/12/2012 19:02

No, YANBU. Your DH made a commitment to go to your parent's house and it is unreasonable and rude of him to want to change his plans now at such short notice.

Original poster

mamasr · 20/12/2012 19:02

well the plan was to go to my parents at 12 for lunch at 12:30 leave to go to his at 4:30 (my grandparents would be heading home at this time anyway) then staying over there till about 8:30.

His family usually have their 'meal' (buffet) at 5/6pm but this year have decided to do it at lunchtime.

OP posts:

happyhorse · 20/12/2012 19:02

I don't think you're being selfish at all given the situation with your grandparents. I think he's being weird.

Original poster

mamasr · 20/12/2012 19:03

Yes live together & have DS together who is almost 2.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/12/2012 19:03

If it was already planned, I don´t see why it should change tbh.

But it sounds as if you don´t see much of his parents on Christmas Day.

Perhaps also have some time with them Boxing Day?

Seems late to me to be changing plans.

Has something happened/someone said something?

This is why we had Christmas Day at home & invited people to us if we wanted.

CBA with a year at my parents a year at his.

Plus if other family & your GPs are also there, perhaps he´d like something quieter?

LittleBairn · 20/12/2012 19:04

Does he often 'take' your DS when you don't agree with him? That sounds rather manipulative to me, he knows you will want to be with your child on Christmas day.

Original poster

mamasr · 20/12/2012 19:06

well last year was only the first year we shared a christmas day together (since DS was born). Last year we saw them for 3 hours in the afternoon but they werent really bothered by us even going then saw them on boxing day with DP brothers & familys too. Trying to think up a solution that is not going to upset my family/him/me... finding it hard to keep myself together even thinking about it.

OP posts:

SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2012 19:10

He is very very rude to change plans at such short notice.

Completely unfair to your dparents.

diddl · 20/12/2012 19:21

Just noticed about the meal.

Any possibility that they have changed the time to try & guilt him into going?

In all honesty I´d rather have CDay at one & Boxing Day at another.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/12/2012 19:25

He is the one that is being rude and selfish. He can't change the plans a few days before the big event! If he had said he wanted to go to his parents a few months ago, he may have had a point, as it is, he doesn't.

Your mum will have planned for you to be there and it would be very very rude and inconsiderate to cancel on her now.

It's his parents that are causing the problem by changing their plan.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 20/12/2012 19:28

His family don't even do Xmas so why is it so important that DS and you are at his parents for it?

It makes sense for you to be with your grandparents and for DS to enjoy the spirit of Xmas with your family and have memories of his grandparents too.

How silly and selfish to want to change things at last min. Your parents/grandparents/parents are expecting you AND YOUR DS. You are still spending some time with his family.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 20/12/2012 19:30

I think your original plan is perfect. Who needs two Xmas meals? Surely they could save a platter from the buffet for you all?

Pandemoniaa · 20/12/2012 19:32

YANBU. Seems very odd and unreasonable to expect you to change plans 4 days before Christmas. You have some very good reasons to stick to the original plan - which still gives you time at his parents - and I think he should respect them. Also, to suggest he takes your ds is, frankly, extremely unkind. Also, your parents will have catered for you and it'd be bloody rude to go missing this late in the day.

Original poster

mamasr · 20/12/2012 19:36

I'm guessing he has never told his parents we aren't going.. probably because he is forgetful and now he doesn't want to let them down. Yeah the DS thing is what has thrown me most.. also why would he be ok to spend christmas without me!? I want him to be with me and DS not just one of us with him, I know now im going to be the bad guy with all his family though now too.

OP posts:

festivelyfocussed · 20/12/2012 19:40

YANBU.
Best thing I guess would be if you can both talk calmly about it but failing that would it be worth trying "I can see you want to be with your parents. As we have already made arrangements for c.day (plus the thing about your gps) ds and I will have lunch at my parents as planned and then see you at your parents." ?
Why is he being difficult at the 11th hour?
Good luck. Maybe soften him up with a glass of wine and a cuddle (?!*) before trying to negotiate.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/12/2012 19:41

If you are made out to be the bad guy on something that isn't even true, then your DP really is being horrible.

If he made a mistake by allowing his parents to assume that you were all going for Christmas, then he should take the blame if they are upset. If he doesn't, then he needs to man up and grow a pair.

Pandemoniaa · 20/12/2012 19:46

If he hasn't told his parents then he needs to accept that he's going to have a rather difficult conversation with them and take the blame for his own forgetfulness. Although quite how anyone can forget the arrangements for Christmas I'm not sure so it sounds more like a case of "couldn't be arsed to clutter my head with Christmas" than it does genuine forgetfulness.

If they kick up mightily then he needs to tell them that you will still visit but later in the day because this particular Christmas may be the last that you get to spend with your grandparents while they are healthy enough to enjoy it. Anyone with an ounce of compassion will understand this and not put pressure on you.

diddl · 20/12/2012 19:46

When you say "the plan was..."-had it been discussed & agreed?

I think if you were at your parents for Christmas lunch last year, it´s not unreasonable for his parents to think that you might go there this year.

So has he accepted to go there?

Who asked when & who accepted when??

wendybird77 · 20/12/2012 19:47

Really? He won't admit to forgetting to tell them you weren't coming? Get on the phone to his mum, explain that DP has just told you about the change in meal and that you are gutted that you can't come due to previous plans with your family, but you will be there for 4:30 just like last year. Then suggest that next year she coordinates with you, as well as DP, as you are mortified to miss the meal if they were expecting you. Kill her with kindness and don't negotiate on this year. Let DP take it as he will, it is a situation of his own making.

XiCi · 20/12/2012 19:48

He is being awkward and selfish. He must realise that this will possibly be the last christmas you spend with your GP. This is true for your DS as well. Don't let him railroad yu at such short notice. I lost my GP recently and really cherish those xmas day memories. Your original plan sounded perfect, with a good time spent with both sets of parents. What has happened to change his mind with such a short time to go? Has somebody been winding him up re this? Could it be his mother since she has suddenly moved the lunch time?

TidyDancer · 20/12/2012 19:51

Ideally, he will suck it up and tell his parents he's fucked up and that unfortunately it means you all won't be there at lunchtime but you'll stick to going round later.

If that doesn't happen (ie if DP decides he's going to his parents for lunch anyway) then I suspect you may have to put your foot down and take DS to your parents for lunch as arranged.

festivelyfocussed · 20/12/2012 20:50

Ooh wendybird, good idea.

aufaniae · 20/12/2012 20:51

I would ask him to explain to his parents about your concerns about your GPs.

Surely any reasonable person would understand that? It's not about putting your family over his, it's about wanting to be there for - and with - your GPs.

Does your DP understand this? Has he explained it to his parents?

What's your relationshop with his parents like?
I agree with wendybird, you should talk to his mum to work out a compromise.

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