Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone help me out of impending Xmas screw-up?

40 replies

Divinyl · 20/12/2012 12:38

AIB unseasonable and how can I minimise being unreasonable, as I probably am being?

My parents are coming for Christmas on Saturday, a good 4-5 hr drive, and staying just under a week. I have a DD, 2.3, who is going through a very clingy stage and waking up about 2x a night at the moment so I have been knackered for some time, as is DH - ie, to the point at which we mechanically do all the evening stuff after DD is in bed, and end up dozing on the sofa if we are lucky, rather than expend any unnecessary energy talking.

We have committed to going over from East to West for Boxing Day to DH's aunt, who recently moved house. She wanted to 'do' the family Christmas but has settled on Boxing Day as most couldn't come on the 25th, and both she and DH's family really want us to stay overnight to the 27th which we have said yes to, as it will hopefully be easier with DD and not such a big drive in one go.

DH works for the C. of E. and we were invited to the county carol service on the 23rd which has a ticketed drink reception afterwards. We were going to say no as it is incompatible with DD but realised it would be ok as my parents would be there, so he accepted and is really looking forward to it.

I now realise I had not actually fully described any of this to my mother until this morning on the phone (the staying over, and the carols were omitted), as I have not been able to have uninterrupted phone conversations for some time. So she's now saying things like 'Well, I hope we will be able to see a bit of you at some point...' and that sort of thing. Pretty stupid of me as it looks like they are coming, only for us to abandon them.

I have found the whole business really hard with a 2 yo - shopping with buggy (and antsy child), cleaning up, getting house habitable, let alone ready - just not feeling it, and am bah-humbug about the whole damn lot this year. I am not even really looking forward to either of the above commitments but feel that it would disappoint DH and/or his family if I (and therefore probably DD) were to pull out, but I think I should pull out of one of them. If so, how to manage it?

Wisdom and some 'grow a pair' sentiments, pls?

OP posts:
EuroShagmore · 20/12/2012 12:40

So you are going away for most of the 26th and 27th when your parents will be left at your house on their own? Or will they come with you?

MissCellania · 20/12/2012 12:43

th, So they are coming on the 22nd until the, what, 28th? And you are going out on the 23rd, off the for the day? night? on the 26th, off overnight on the 27th....I can see her point. You'll hardly be at home. Why are you having them to stay on days you have booked to be elsewhere?

WipsGlitter · 20/12/2012 12:43

Well, i don't think the carol concert is a big deal, I'm sure your parents will be pleased to give you a break and babysit. But i would be a bit Confused if my hosts buggered off for a night while I was visiting - or are they supposed to come too?

You still have Monday and Christmas Day with them, and Saturday night so just try and make those bits as special as you can for them.

When are they leaving?

MaxPepsi · 20/12/2012 12:43

Ok

can you ask Aunt if your parents can come with? Be honest and just say it totally slipped your mind your parents would be there when it was arranged.

If not, do you ahve other family near you who your parents can visit, invite over? If not, cut short your trip. You've made a genuine mistake.

Drinks - can your DH take your Dad instead of you? That way he doesn't miss out, they get to bond?!! You have one to one with your mum?

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/12/2012 12:44

I don't think its really on to leave your parents on boxing day for 2 days - can't they come with you?

I can understand your parents not being impressed by that - it is pretty rude I'm afraid.

Izzyschangelingisarriving · 20/12/2012 12:44

Why aren't they invited with you?

Original poster
Divinyl · 20/12/2012 12:45

They'll stay at our place. They were invited on the 26th (in fact for the 25th when that was the intention) but said they wouldn't go over, and they also don't really know anyone from the Aunt's family in question, which is a v large one. I don't think there would be space for them to stay if they did go, but one of the possibilities might be if they could come back with DD and me (I can't drive so it would all be down to DH otherwise) and DH would prob be able to stay.

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 20/12/2012 12:49

Oh well, if they've already been invited they should go with you.

Aunt sounds like the generous welcoming type and they never will know anyone if they don't get involved.

MaxPepsi · 20/12/2012 12:50

Oh and what was actually arranged first?

You going to Aunts or your parents coming to you?

Pancakeflipper · 20/12/2012 12:50

I wouldn't stay overnight for Boxing Day. If you don't stay over you get all of the 27th with them too.

LaCiccolina · 20/12/2012 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

dinkystinky · 20/12/2012 12:51

Your parents should come with you to your aunt's house - if they cant stay over, then you'll have to come back the same day. Far from ideal but I wouldnt leave people I'd invited alone for 2 days.

SusanneLinder · 20/12/2012 12:51

I could understand your parents being upset.They have driven a long way just for you not to be there half the time. In your defence, you have probably overcommitted yourself to keep everyone happy, or maybe didnt think about the outcome of your acceptance of all these invitations, due to being tired and stressed over lack of sleep :o

I agree with max pepsi.The carol service,not too bad,maybe ask your dad to go-but you can't ALL go unless you have a babysitter.

Re your DH's aunt-either you ALL go or none of you do, and arrange to see auntie another time.It would be very very rude to bugger off and leave your parents.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 20/12/2012 12:52

Hmm tricky. I think if it were me I would ditch the boxing day with the aunt but still do the carol service, going out for one evening for a few hours seems reasonable but boxing day and staying over does seem a bit much if you've got guests staying

ViviPru · 20/12/2012 12:52

Yeh - what MaxP said - what did you commit to first?

SusanneLinder · 20/12/2012 12:54

La Ciccolina- no need for personal attacks on the OP! Yes she has fucked up,but could be put a nicer way-just saying......

EuroShagmore · 20/12/2012 12:54

Sorry, but I do think you are being unreasonable. The carol concert is fine, although you really should have asked (maybe you could offer one parent your ticket?), but going away for 2 days of a visit lasting under a week is not on.

SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2012 13:00

Did you invite your patents or did they invite themselves?

Which plans were made first?

Shelby2010 · 20/12/2012 13:03

Actually I don't think you are being unreasonable, just a bit over-committed. Your parents can't come for a week over Christmas & then not expect you to have anyone else that you need to see or things to do.

The Carol concert is work related & presumably in the evening, the only problem is if your dd may not be comfortable being left with GP, if she doesn't see them very often. It may be best if you DH takes either DM or DF, whichever would enjoy it most.

I don't think you can reasonably stay overnight at the Aunts house, but visiting DH's family on Boxing Day is fair if you are spending CD with your parents. I think you should encourage your parents to go with you for the day & either you all come back or just DH stays over.

Original poster
Divinyl · 20/12/2012 13:04

What did we commit to first? My parents I think, but if the other lunch had been on the 25th we would have all gone over. It is because it's moved a day that we're committed to that too, but it seems that all that side of the family are desperate for DD, really, to stay over as part of the deal. I don't know why but there it is.

I do know this has turned out to look rude and unreasonable, but also most solutions do, as far as I can see? It will look rude for me to pull out of the 26th and I certainly don't want to take either DH or DD away from spending time with his family either. It will look v awkward if the seat next to DH is empty at the service, because he's got a ticket for me and because it's an occasion when he's partly there in a work capacity as well as being invited.

I think you're right though, I will have to say no to the 26th and hope that DD manages just with her Dad (and vice versa, which is a different kettle of fish...)

OP posts:
XiCi · 20/12/2012 13:05

Can't believe you are even considering inviting your parents to stay and then fucking off for 2 days. Seriously?? Have you actually thought about how upsetting that would be and how rude it is? I know my mum would be so upset if I behaved like this and to be honest, I wouldn't do this in a million years. You need to talk to your parents and ask if they will go with you, and if not you should cancel the Aunt's.
Am truly gobsmacked that anyone would even consider this

RillaBlythe · 20/12/2012 13:08

Can you all drive over to the aunt in two cars, you & your parents drive back, dd & DH drive back following day?

XiCi · 20/12/2012 13:09

Sorry, x post. I think youre doing the right thing letting dd and dh go on the 26th and I'm sure your mum and dad won't mind babysitting for 1 night. Hope you work it out

Shelby2010 · 20/12/2012 13:11

How far away is the Aunts house? I think their part of the compromise is that dd doesn't stay overnight. Presumably she'd need to be in bed by 8 pm or so anyway. Overtired & over-excited toddler in a strange house... I wish DH luck of that one if you leave her there with him!

MaxPepsi · 20/12/2012 13:13

I think the OP has thought about how upsetting this all is. Hence why she's working herself up into a tizzy and trying to find a solution!

As myself and other posters have said, get your DH to take either your DF or DM to the concert. Or even a neighbour/friend (id go, bloody love carol concerts)

Speak to your mum again. Ask her to go with you to the Aunts, tell her it's not the best solution but you realise you have fucked up by trying to accomodate BOTH families and you really don't want to upset anyone.

How close are you to her? Are you an only child?