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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL (sorry) letting themselves in

77 replies

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay · 19/12/2012 19:41

My PIL lived with us for 3 months (came for two weeks and stayed ). They obviously had a set of keys, would have been impractical without them. Thing is, they seem to feel too at home in our house now.

Yesterday i was upstairs with the baby, DP was on a call In the spare room (working from home) and they let themselves in and made a cup of tea and some butter icing (for buns for us so i can hardly complain).

It's nice they feel at home and everything but, maybe not quite that at home?

It could have been disasterous because just before i ran up to resettle DD i had been wrapping a Christmas present for a member of the family that PIL get very upset with us for still speaking to (whole other thread but would out me ). Suffice to say Last time they had a reminder we are still talking to they who shall not be named PIL stopped speaking to us for 6 months.

The other day i came back from the shops to find some stuff had been left on the kitchen table. They had let themselves in whilst i was out. If we go out or away they sometimes come round to watch tv (we have sky and some of their stuff is still on series link recording)

I have already begun the groundwork for getting the keys back (have lost my set) but am i being a miserable cow about thi? DP would tackle if i said it was bugging me but there is a history of falling out in the family so we tend to walk on egg shells.

OP posts:

AdoraJingleBells · 19/12/2012 21:48

The question, really, is how long do you and DP plan To be walking on eggshells? Stop feeding upstairs and start doing it in the lounge while telling yourself " this is our home and I don't need anyone's approval", just so you know what To say if anyone questions your actions.

Then get DP, because they are his parents, To have a word with out saying that it bothers you, and with out pandering To their tantrums childish behavour.

CaHoHoHootz · 19/12/2012 21:56

You could try one of these.

babyphat · 19/12/2012 21:57

Could you just say casually 'oh, now you've moved out can i get the keys back, don't want you walking in while I'm dressing/in shower etc,' or could you take them for some workman or something and 'forget' to give them back?

babyphat · 19/12/2012 21:57

Oh and YANBU

Original poster

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay · 19/12/2012 22:16

Like it cahootz but that would assume they had an iota of self awareness....and they really haven't!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 19/12/2012 23:34

I'd ask for the keys back and if they mention getting a spare set I'd say you'd rather not have alot of sets of house keys for security reasons.
I'd probably also be blunt and ask them not to let themselves into your house as you are concerned they may find you half dressed and would rather they knocked and waited to be let in if they make a fuss.
My sister in law had this problem with her mum and just asked her to please not let herself into the house with the keys unless asked to do so as my brother often wandered round the house naked and they'd rather she knocked and waited otherwise they'd ask for the keys back. She was a bit put out but stopped doing it. My SIL did then ensure she never just let herself into her parents' house but remembered to knock and wait.

EldritchCleavage · 20/12/2012 11:42

My sister hates that our parents do the 'knock and immediately come in' thing at her house, but she won't say so. I don't mind that they do this to me, but if I did mind I would say so. DM would be moody and upset, but rather she is than I am! (I do love her, I just refuse to be guilt-tripped into letting her have her way on things).

This is one of those situations where you have to decide whether you're prepared to pay the cost of getting what you want. You want boundaries/privacy, the cost is a PIL strop and perhaps not being spoken to for a bit. Sounds like a bargain to me.

valiumredhead · 20/12/2012 12:02

Keep your set of keys in the lock when you are at home

WhenSantaGotStuckUpACunnyFunt · 20/12/2012 12:13

Oh don't remind me of the 'knock and walk in' thing. I used to live at PILs and MIL does this, you'd think that after the 1st time she caught us DTD you'd think she would learn, but nope, she kept doing it abd caught us 2 more times!

LemonBreeland · 20/12/2012 14:01

Crikey Santa, that is awful. You would think she would be embarrassed.

My Mum has a key to my house as she often visits us for the weekend and sometimes arrives before we get home. If I am in she always knocks on the door. She would not drema of just letting herself in.

Sometimes I think the parents in these situations don't realise their children are adults now and have a right to privacy etc.

lannyshrops · 20/12/2012 14:16

When I moved in with my now DH, my PIL's used to do this type of thing all the time. They had helped him renovate the house and I think felt in some way it was sort of an extension of their own home. I found it v wired to come home from work and find FIL doing some DIY job or something.

As they live in the same village, they would often call over at the weekend to see us when out for a constitutional and if we didn't answer the door they would let themselves in. On more than one occasion we were in the middle of DTD when the bell would go...then the key in the door. DH was about to have a word about it (trying to figure out how as PIL's are lovely and just weren't thinking I guess) when the opportunity presented itself. Sunday morning, relatively new couple doing what is natural on a Sunday morning...then "co-eeeeee" outside the bedroom window...MIlL outside about to let herself in...whilst making a cuppa she made a comment about still being in bed in such a lovely day so I jumped in and suggested that if they called before they left then we could make sure we were up/in/not busy.....it worked!

Have to say I love my in laws like my own and I was lucky they took the hing and we had the opportunity. However we were going to say something anyway.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 20/12/2012 14:24

Jaysus, I would move house & not give them the new address! YANBU! Get your keys back.

TooImmatureMincePies · 20/12/2012 14:41

While I think your in-laws are utterly taking the piss, I wouldn't expect my parents or in-laws to knock when they arrived at mine. I would expect them to walk right in. However, all sets of parents (that's 3 sets including 2 step-parents) live between 3 and 9 hours drive away from us, so they don't exactly pop round for a cuppa. No one drops in on me because we live back of beyond, or hardly anyone. (Remembers time when 2 uncles and a cousin pitched up to see 8 week old DD and I was bf her in the living room after a shower, luckily dressed, but with mad wet bird's nest hair and DH had left his shorts and pants on the floor next to the sofa when he went off to have his shower. No, we hadn't been having sex - long walk in blazing sunshine!)

HibernHoHoHoCaledonian · 20/12/2012 15:39

Think - If you're thinking about a door chain maybe this one might do.

Original poster

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay · 20/12/2012 15:43

With a six month old the DTD isn't all that frequent so the risk is low, although we are picking odd times due to seizing napping opportunities!

But i will begin the hinting now and get my keys back after Christmas. If i don't they might take to hanging out at ours while I'm at work. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if i got home from a day at work, after a crap sleep night and found them in situ.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay · 20/12/2012 15:44

hibern knowing my luck the PIL would lock themselves in!

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 20/12/2012 15:48

Key back time. Or change the locks (you've lost yours, oh of course we'll get round to sorting spares at some point).

If you say you've lost yours and ask for theirs without changing the locks, you risk them cutting another set for you to be helpful.

LaCiccolina · 20/12/2012 15:49

Keys. Back. NOW!

Lavenderhoney · 20/12/2012 15:54

Change the locks- at once! It's your home and they can't just wander in and out as it suits them, buns or no buns:) and as for feeling so uncomfortable in your own home you hide upstairs to bf... No, change the locks and tell them. If they want a key just be vague as suggested. If they say they need then in case you aren't in, you will have to smile and say, well, best call first...

You'll be hiding behind the sofa next!

DontmindifIdo · 20/12/2012 16:04

oh yes, if they ask for a new set you can say "oh don't worry, I'll sort out some before we go away next, in the meantime we can always let you in if we're in and it's not like you need to come round when we're out!" (then don't)

Steala · 20/12/2012 16:08

My MIL does this. To be fair, she helps an awful lot with the children and is doing me a huge huge favour. But... I really wish she would knock. I've tried the "You scared the life out of me. I thought we had burglars. This is really not good for my nerves" etc but her take on it is that I am really busy and have far better things to do than open the door to her when she can let herself in perfectly well.

Pendipidy · 20/12/2012 16:17

ask them when they are at your house for their set. then they can't go and get more cut . hold your hand out!

BehindLockNumberNine · 20/12/2012 16:28

I would not begin hinting. That will give them time to get another set cut before returning the keys to you.

Say that you need your keys back now, as in today, as you are having to go out later and have no way of getting back in without them.

Reclaim your home!

PippinWoo · 20/12/2012 16:33

I agree with Dontmind, make up some excuse for having to get the lock changed like the key broke off inside it or something. Just inform them the lock has changed because it broke but just kind of fail to mention giving them a replacement key.

If they don't get the hint from that and actually ask for a key, you'll just have to tell them they don't need one because there's no need to come round when you're not in and if you are in, they can ring the doorbell.

The only problem with that plan is that you have to pay a few quid for a new lock BUT from the sounds of it, they are kinda touchy and so you might be more comfortable having an excuse for why they can't use their key any more.

DontmindifIdo · 20/12/2012 16:38

Also if you do go for taking the key back from them because you pretend you've lost yours, that therefore justifies to them that they need a key as in "oh you need to get keys cut for us, you'd have been really stuck that week just before christmas when you got locked out!"

If you are going for the keys back approach, you need to have someone else you are going to give the keys too (is there anyone visiting over christmas you migth want to give keys too? any tradesmen who might need a key? Boiler servicing maybe?) - dont let the excuse be "OP is feckless with her keys" because then they need a key.

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