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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect some compromise and support from DH re family Christmas

43 replies

missusmrs · 19/12/2012 13:53

DH and I staying in UK for Christmas - last year was our first year to stay on our own with 2 DS's here instead of joining my family in another country but I took DS's there for New Year. We agreed to alternate Christmas/New Year in each country in future. This year is DM celebrates a big birthday at New Year so we agreed to stay here again and go there for New Year. All booked back in September.
Fact is DH does not like going there much (although there have been occasions when he has thoroughly enjoyed it), doesn?t like my DM (again most times they appear to get on great), doesn?t like being in a busy house with lots of relatives coming and going etc and would much prefer to stay here on couch with TV. He hasn?t been there in over year and a half. When there he will probably gradually get in a mood, stay in bed longer, become uncommunicative and withdraw as each day passes and I will needless to say become more and more stressed, trying as I am to enjoy the family I only see 2/3 times a year and give my DS's a wonderful time/memories with grandparents and cousins etc.
So DH started last week saying he might come back early/wont go at all. I have disengaged from this conversation but do I just say don?t come? He would happily stay behind (his only concern would be his DS's away from him for 7 days - not me travelling alone, coping alone,missing DM's birthday etc) I just feel he should be making an effort for me and DS's and my parents, he doesn?t have to do it often and they bend over backwards to make him welcome (DM has even booked us a night away in posh hotel while she minds kids as a surprise for him). I just feel sad and upset that he cant suck it up and do something for someone other than himself! So AIBU to expect more or should I just accept it and let him off the hook?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/12/2012 13:57

He should be making the effort, but if it really isnt that much fun for him, and it would stress you out with him being there, then just go without him. He can take you to the airport, and your family will meet you at the destination hopefully, so the only bit of travelling alone would really be on the plane, and you cant lose kids on a plane!

takataka · 19/12/2012 13:58

I think he should make the effort and is being selfish. His behaviour once there sounds crap.

Is there a language barrier for him? I struggle with that with some of my un-laws and it can feel quite isolating

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 19/12/2012 13:58

These are always difficult.

tbh we see my pils 2/3 times a year and i wouldn't want to stay over for 7 days when we do. I wouldn't like it. If dh said he was going alone or to take kids I would be happy. But I wouldn't stay over.

I could probably cope with a few days in the area, is a hotel. But not in their house.

Original poster

missusmrs · 19/12/2012 14:03

No language barrier, we have been going there for over 13 years and tbh I just never know whether he will have a great time or hate it... I just feel I dont ask for much else family wise and have gone to weddings/trips etc on my own for many years with and without DS's so I am used to it, I just want him to want to make the effort now and again!

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ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 19/12/2012 14:03

What excuse has he? What would you tell your mother - dh doesn't like you? I would absolutely not let him off hook. What else will he want to avoid in future?

squeakytoy · 19/12/2012 14:06

But if he is just going to be miserable and not put any effort in, which in turn will make the trip less enjoyable for you, then why bother to force him into it?

If he is a good husband in all other respects, let him have some time to himself while you enjoy spending quality time with your mum and family.

bleedingheart · 19/12/2012 14:08

Why can't he just suck it up? I don't like loads of things but I do them because I'm a grown up and it helps/supports/is kind for other people. It's 7 days out of his life!

It's not like he has a major problem with your family, he just wants to whine about it. He could have objected in September but he waits until now so you have to feel a) guilty and b) grateful if he deigns to attend afterall. A relative of mine does this and it is so joyless and manipulative.

If you do go without him, I hope you get the night in the hotel to yourself and have a lovely time!

HeathRobinson · 19/12/2012 14:15

You'd probably find he'd be much happier going, if you always stayed in a hotel.

'busy house with lots of relatives coming and going etc' doesn't sound like my cup of tea either.

If you stayed in a hotel all the time, then some days he could go with you to see your family and some days he could slob in the hotel.

dreamingofsun · 19/12/2012 14:18

i have some sympathy for him as i used to go to IL's for a week at christmas before our kids were born, and nice though they are, i used to get bored out of my brain and long to go home.

can you not find some things that he might enjoy doing? eg having a few trips out for just you/him sith/without your kids? so he gets a break from your parents house?

He sounds a bit childish to me. doing things you don't want to sometimes, is what you do when you have a family. its about compromise.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 19/12/2012 14:34

I would give him a choice despite it all being booked.

1 - he puts the effort in to enjoy being with your kids and family (preferring to watch TV is a crap reason to opt out).

2 - He chooses to miss the kids at Xmas each year like a selfish sod.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 19/12/2012 14:34

It will be very offensive to your family, and will you end up lying for him (he had to work etc)? How often are we talking about - a week every year or every two years?
Duty is a word that doesn't just apply to women.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 19/12/2012 14:35

Get him to ring and explain to your parents why he is not going to be there? Why should you do it?

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller · 19/12/2012 14:39

We live outside the UK and DH has only travelled back to the UK with me once in 5 years. We have 3 kids. TBH I don't expect him to come if he doesn't want to - spending Christmas in a busy house full of somebody else's relatives sounds miserable to me too. In your position I would go alone, although personally I prefer to spend Christmas with my husband and kids and visit extended family at other times of year - ideally summer so we're not cooped up in their house, and travel is more relaxed.

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller · 19/12/2012 14:41

HeathRobinson 's idea is a good one.

PanickingIdiot · 19/12/2012 14:49

He would happily stay behind (his only concern would be his DS's away from him for 7 days - not me travelling alone, coping alone, missing DM's birthday etc)

Oh, that's easy then, let him stay behind with the kids and you go and enjoy yourself. (Serious suggestion, I'm not being sarcastic).

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller · 19/12/2012 14:53

My DH doesn't worry about me travelling alone or coping alone with our kids, because he doesn't think I'm useless :o Really if your DH was going to travel somewhere with your kids and you posted you were worried about him coping, people would suggest you give him a bit of credit :)

PanickingIdiot · 19/12/2012 14:57

I took it to mean that she was not looking forward to wrangling two kids on her own whilst her husband is happily relaxing at home instead of being there and helping, UKGrinch, not that she expected her husband to consider her useless.

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller · 19/12/2012 15:03

Ah that is more likely isn't it panicking :) Its just I'd be most insulted if my DH suggested he would have to drag himself against his will to the UK with me because he was worried I couldn't manage the travel alone with the kids :o

Original poster

missusmrs · 19/12/2012 15:15

UKGrinch, it was definitely more as PanickingIdiot explained it and not so much the traveling side but the whole trip - parenting alone for a week is not much fun! I suppose I just wanted him to consider some of these issues rather than whining 'but I dont like it!'

OP posts:

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller · 19/12/2012 15:23

missusmrs if the situation were reversed, and you lived in your home country, would you be happy to use a week of holiday from work up to go with him for a week over Christmas to visit his family, if the arrangements when you get there weren't to your taste (if you had to stay in a house full of people you didn't especially like, or if you are a person who loves family bustle, if it was necessary for you to stay in an impersonal motel, for example)? If you would, and especially if you have done in the past, then bring this to his attention. Maybe it is something you have had to do in the past? Although your husband has been a bit childish in his handling of this (he should have brought his concerns up before anything was arranged, and not by whinging and whinging) I do see his point... If you were going to stay in a hotel when you got there would it be more palatable to him?

Original poster

missusmrs · 19/12/2012 15:30

We dont have money to stay in a hotel for the week, hence my DM's gift for a night away. He doesnt have family to speak off, which may have something to do with his inability to compromise on most issues . So I have never been in that situation and but categorically I would see it as some form of duty to go to family occasions once in blue moon, slap a smile on my face, be polite and support my DH

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SantasENormaSnob · 19/12/2012 15:38

Unless he has good reason to dislike you dm then I think he should be making more of an effort.

Tbh though I would really hate staying at a relatives home for a week.

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller · 19/12/2012 15:42

Does he know about the night away? Might it swing it if you let it slip?

A whole week in a busy house full of somebody else's family really isn't just a family occasion though - a family occasion is a wedding or a funeral, maybe a landmark birthday party such as grandma's 100th or parent's 60/ 80th... one day with maybe an over night, which is unlikely to be in somebody else's home... a lot can happen in a week... I quite like my in-laws in a general sense, but one night with all 5 of us crammed into one bedroom at theirs is enough for me, and even that is only OK if I've had a few glasses of wine (which luckily is the only reason to stay over rather than make the hour's drive home).

Original poster

missusmrs · 19/12/2012 15:51

I honestly do see it from his side - sometimes but we live away, are a close big family and always have been and he has spent years doing a week a year there. However I am aware he has been finding it harder (or harder to hide his feelings the past few years, hence why I went alone last year). So I booked the flights with him sitting beside me with a calendar and triple checked it was all Ok with him. He is close friends with my 2 DB's who will be there and also with my DF and he does lots of partying so its not a stuffy, stuck in house with parents type of trip. Thanks for all the replies I can see there isnt a general consensus on it so I will just see what happens and probably feel aggrieved either way!

OP posts:

Original poster

missusmrs · 19/12/2012 15:53

UKGrinch I take your advice and will be letting hotel stay 'slip' tonight

OP posts:

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