to expect some compromise and support from DH re family Christmas

[missusmrs]

DH and I staying in UK for Christmas - last year was our first year to stay on our own with 2 DS's here instead of joining my family in another country but I took DS's there for New Year. We agreed to alternate Christmas/New Year in each country in future. This year is DM celebrates a big birthday at New Year so we agreed to stay here again and go there for New Year. All booked back in September.
Fact is DH does not like going there much (although there have been occasions when he has thoroughly enjoyed it), doesn?t like my DM (again most times they appear to get on great), doesn?t like being in a busy house with lots of relatives coming and going etc and would much prefer to stay here on couch with TV. He hasn?t been there in over year and a half. When there he will probably gradually get in a mood, stay in bed longer, become uncommunicative and withdraw as each day passes and I will needless to say become more and more stressed, trying as I am to enjoy the family I only see 2/3 times a year and give my DS's a wonderful time/memories with grandparents and cousins etc.
So DH started last week saying he might come back early/wont go at all. I have disengaged from this conversation but do I just say don?t come? He would happily stay behind (his only concern would be his DS's away from him for 7 days - not me travelling alone, coping alone,missing DM's birthday etc) I just feel he should be making an effort for me and DS's and my parents, he doesn?t have to do it often and they bend over backwards to make him welcome (DM has even booked us a night away in posh hotel while she minds kids as a surprise for him). I just feel sad and upset that he cant suck it up and do something for someone other than himself! So AIBU to expect more or should I just accept it and let him off the hook?

Yes he should make an effort but if hes going to go and behave like a spoilt child then youre better off going without him. But it would annoy me that he cant make the effort. If you go on your own , as someone else suggested, the kids and grandparents etc wont see each other. He is being selfish!

I really do think he should suck if up. It's a case, I think of facilitating a relationship between his kids and their extended family and supporting his wife in visiting her friends and family from who she is seperated because she lives in a different country. Surely he should be there to share childcare, so that his wife is able to catch up with the people she loves on a rare trip home

I understand it isn't all that much fun for him, I have been in similar position myself, but tough titties really. It's only a week!

takataka - couldn't have said it better!! and if it all descends into a row I will be using the phrase 'tough titties'

My BIL and FIL do this, for them it extends to a lunch, a wedding or an evening meal that they don't want to go to. My FIL even pulled it with an Xmas meal at MIL relatives, she had to make an excuse that no one believed. They just seem to get worse, it annoys me that the women don't do this, get on with it and they get away with it.

I think your DH should suck it up, yes its a week and I would find it difficult but it is once every two years and it is one of the few times that his wife, who lives away from her family gets to see them. He should do it for your sake, especially as your family seem to be really welcoming. Is he always a miserable git?

would he be happy for you to behave this way to his relatives?

^^ What Blueberry said. YANBU.

BlueberryHill he does have miserable git tendencies at times! esp. in relation to things that dont suit him but is generally good natured.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly no family connections on his side so apart from the trips to mine we have very little family interactions

He needs to suck it up, it won't kill him. If you were insisting he spend every weekend with them it would be a different matter, but he's your husband and it's an occasion where he needs, actually, to put you first. There is a bit of an ongoing cultural concept that women have to make other people feel comfortable, fit in and put up with things, whereas men are allowed to put themselves first all the time.
By all means agree a bargain of sorts with him ie he comes with you all and behaves himself rather than carrying on like a sulky teenager, and by doing so he's banked a favour ie he can go for a weekend jolly with his mates or the two of you can go and do something fun together in the new year.

He should do it, and it sounds like he realises hat he just has to suck it up and get on with it. He wouldn't have been all those times in the past and have agreed to this trip otherwise.

But it's a compromise. You can't expect him to be full of the joys and be talkative and not want a lie in if you know he doesn't really want to be there. It's his holiday time off work too, so if he wants to retreat a little, I wouldn't push him to feel things that he just doesn't. I do think he should make the effort, but I think if he wants to stay in bed for a little bit of alone time or if he gets a bit quiet, then that's use part of who he is and you have to accept that too.

Sounds very passive aggressive for him to go but sulk, thereby ensuring you don't have a good time either.

Passive aggressive, controlling tendencies, sulking, miserable....better going on my own!

I am in a similar position with my family on the other side of the world and DH getting bored when he visits.

I actually prefer to go on my own with the kids! I can do as I please without worrying about entertaining him, catch up withs old friends and hang out with mum and dad.

Speedos, agree with your points and have done many many visits by myself and enjoyed immensely. Its just its next week we going, its booked since Sept, its a big birthday party and he is expected, pulling the plug now seems unreasonable and unfair - explaining to DS never mind my family!

Lay down the law! He should definitely go. I am in an international marriage and both of DW's parents are sometimes difficult in their own peculiar ways, something DW acknowledges: it's not always easy to be around them, except in small doses. But I do it. I do reserve the right to hang out alone in our bedroom whenever they become too much - I don't think that's particularly passive-aggressive, as people do need alone time - but not to go at all isn't really on.

Tbh its the last straw in a difficult few months, if he refuses to , we'll be facing some tough challenges in January.

No no I think the last thing I'd do if someone is using pa tactics is give in to them, surely that teaches them that it works! Refuse to be upset by his childish behaviour when you're there. Let him know he's going, end of.