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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think my boyfriend is cheating?

46 replies

dietcokeskinnyjeans · 19/12/2012 13:32

Have just moved in with new boyfriend.

I was in the kitchen having coffee (boyfriend getting changed in bedroom) when get a text message from him.

"Thanks for the good luck. When are you coming over for dinner? Don't forget to bring a change of clothes ;)"

(The good luck, I'm assuming for is that he has a job interview today)

I asked him, surely that wasn't meant to be for me right?

And he laughed and said no, he sent it by mistake because hes so used to texting me and it was meant for his friend.

I pushed it and it was revealed that his friend is actually his ex girlfriend, but it's ok because they are jokey like that with each other.

Is he cheating on me? Or is it just harmless flirting?

OP posts:
catgirl1976geesealaying · 19/12/2012 13:35

I don't know, but it seems odd and inappropriate
Is there anything else?

It could be an in joke out of context. Maybe

Dillydollydaydream · 19/12/2012 13:37

Hmm not sure about the change of clothes comment, that's a bit strange.

Paiviaso · 19/12/2012 13:38

Even if it's just a joke, I think it's inappropriate. But it doesn't necessarily mean he is cheating.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 19/12/2012 13:38

Does he sometimes apparently have reason to stay out overnight?

PinkSnow · 19/12/2012 13:45

Alarm bells would be ringing. I'm sorry I just would not allow my other half to be winking in a text at his EX girlfriend and i dont think thats me being unreasonable as im pretty laid back he has plenty of female friends. If he didnt like it, it would be the end for me. DELETE her number, and why the FUCK would she need to bring a spare pair of clothes??? I'd go insane.

Omg I sound like a bunny boiler.....im actually not lol.

squeakytoy · 19/12/2012 13:46

are you planning on being away from home soon then?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 19/12/2012 13:47

"The change of clothes" part would ring alarm bells to me.

LookingForwardToMarch · 19/12/2012 13:50

Dodgy Dodgy Dodgy

I wouldn't be having that at all!

YANBU

missrlr · 19/12/2012 13:51

could it be he thinks she can indulge with you both in a few drinks over dinner and not have to worry about getting back that night - so presumably kip on sofa or in spare room?
Any other reasons for being little wary? Odd behaviour esp with texts and so on

perceptionInaPearTree · 19/12/2012 13:52

The change of clothes comment is odd but I can't think why it would specifically indicate cheating, strange though it is. I agree he shouldn't be sending winking texts to an ex girlfriend in any event.

BelleoftheFall · 19/12/2012 13:53

Sounds pretty bad to me. The change of clothes makes me think it's an invitation to "stay over", especially with the wink after.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 19/12/2012 13:54

There are a few issues.

how have you got to the point that you are committed enough to move in and you don't know he is very pally with his ex? The fact he has hidden that is a worry.

But surely as you live with him if he was going out for dinner and someone was staying over st your house, you would know.

Do you travel for work? Does he?

squeakytoy · 19/12/2012 13:54

perhaps she is just a very messy eater...

FBworry · 19/12/2012 13:57

Ask him outright why she would need a change of clothes exactly.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 13:58

i don't think it sounds bad at all. it wouldn't make me think he was cheating. i would presume he meant so she could stay over and they could have a drink together, when you were there with them. i have no problems with ex's being mates either. my best mate is my ex and we txt stuff like that.

i would say the 'when' question means it's a throw away invite rather than giving a specific date when you wouldn't be there. And his reaction doesn't sound flustered or defensive at all.

chrismissymoomoomee · 19/12/2012 14:01

Maybe the 'change of clothes' comment was an in joke between the pair of them?

I know if DH read some messages I have sent or received as a one off they could be interpreted in a different way.

I would have issue with him going into another room and texting though, that seems like he knew you wouldn't like it. I would also not be happy with him saying it was 'a friend' and not saying 'oh it was meant for XXX she just sent me a message'.

Unless there is anything else thats making you wary I wouldn't think he was cheating, just flirting, which is fine (to me, but everyone differs) as long as he is open with you about it.

Tamoo · 19/12/2012 14:03

How can he invite an ex girlfriend over for dinner if he's living with you? Has he got use of another property?

WinterWinds · 19/12/2012 14:05

Hmm i' not sure. I dont think it nessecarily means he is cheating but it does sound kind of odd.
If he were planning on spending the night with her what is he going to do with you?
Also i'd be concerned that you have got to the stage of moving in together but you know nothing of his "friendship" with her

How did he react when you asked him about the text and he realised he'd sent it to you instead of her??

HairyGrotter · 19/12/2012 14:08

I've no problems with ex's being mates, but close ex's always make me feel a little uncomfortable, but that text would have me asking many a question

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:13

Tamoo - i would presume he meant when OP was there. like when i invite my friends over for dinner, or when dp invites his friends.

MadSleighLady · 19/12/2012 14:16

The text alone wouldn't make me think he was cheating, but his explanation is a bit off.

"It's ok because we are jokey like that with each other."

Jokey like what with each other? Like "joking about ending up shagging" with each other? If it had been an out-of-context joke (like, I dunno, she has lots of wardrobe malfunctions, or has a history of getting drunk and having to stay over at friends' houses after dinner etc), surely he would have just said so.

How long have you known this guy and have you met his friends in general?

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:17

really, you all expect to know about every friendship your dp has and would want to know they are friends with exes before you lived together?

i just presume everyone has some exes in their friendship group. If dp said he was going out with mates i would assume there would inevitably be a couple he had shagged previously in there.

JessieMcJessie · 19/12/2012 14:19

OK, seems unlikely that he'd be inviting her over to his home shared with you with dodgy intentions, unless you are planning on being away soon? But his text said "when" leaving it to her to decide date, so maybe he just wants to introduce her to you? Has he mentioned her before? Do you know much about his other friends? (if you don't, why on earth are you moving in?)

Maybe it is an I'm joke about her spilling red wine down herself at dinner parties or something? Why not ask him when he wants to do the dinner with all 3 of you, say you're pleased he wants to introduce you? He can't go cagey and say it was a diner a deux, so you'll get to meet her and suss them out. If she is mysteriously always too busy, then your suspicions will be raised.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2012 14:21

I'm amazed at people thinking ;) is out of order in a text. There's nothing wrong with it! It's always been used online and in texts; it doesn't mean anything at all.

What I don't understand about the text is that it sounds as though he's arranged for her to come to your house. I assume you didn't know about this. You don't seem to know about her either - surely you should know all that before you move in together?

JessieMcJessie · 19/12/2012 14:22

PS, is he the type who likes to cook? If not, a dinner invite is more suspicious.