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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think my boyfriend is cheating?

46 replies

dietcokeskinnyjeans · 19/12/2012 13:32

Have just moved in with new boyfriend.

I was in the kitchen having coffee (boyfriend getting changed in bedroom) when get a text message from him.

"Thanks for the good luck. When are you coming over for dinner? Don't forget to bring a change of clothes ;)"

(The good luck, I'm assuming for is that he has a job interview today)

I asked him, surely that wasn't meant to be for me right?

And he laughed and said no, he sent it by mistake because hes so used to texting me and it was meant for his friend.

I pushed it and it was revealed that his friend is actually his ex girlfriend, but it's ok because they are jokey like that with each other.

Is he cheating on me? Or is it just harmless flirting?

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:23

does she live far away? would she need to stay if she came over as it would be too late to get home? is the flat a new flat for your dp? so he might want to show off new home and introduce his new gf? how long have you been together?

MadSleighLady · 19/12/2012 14:24

Yes, I would expect to know the vast majority of someone's friends before I moved in with them, Spuddybean, whether or not I knew the fine detail of who had slept with who years ago. I would think it odd if meeting each other's friends didn't happen in the normal way of socialising together.

I'm just trying to ascertain whether the OP met many of them at all - i.e. has she met "all" of them and is it particularly noticeable that she hasn't come across this friend before, or has she not been together with the BF long enough to have had a realistic prospect of meeting all his friends?

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 19/12/2012 14:25

really, you all expect to know about every friendship your dp has and would want to know they are friends with exes before you lived together?

Yep I would. Dh has a group of about 8 friends. One is an ex and that's fine. Had he never hadlve mentioned it, I would find it weird.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:29

i suppose it's because i moved in with dp and my exH before meeting any of their friends or parents. i have only met a couple of dp's mates now 3 years later and dp only met my sister 2 months ago.

depends on whether your social groups mix, whether you join each other on nights out with mates and how long you've been together i suppose.

chrismissymoomoomee · 19/12/2012 14:31

I would find it very weird if I didn't know about a friend and DH was actively hiding the friendship by texting from another room and then giving a vague 'just a friend' description when asked a direct question instead of saying who it was.

DH and I have been together 13 years and have our own social circles some of who are ex partners, we haven't met them all, but we don't hide who we are texting, meeting or calling from each other either.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:32

in my social group everyone had slept with everyone so i just assumed dp would have slept with all the females (or even some of the males!) in his group - i was shocked when he said he hadn't slept with any.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:34

but she is just a friend isn't she chrismissy? what else should he call her?

chrismissymoomoomee · 19/12/2012 14:40

If I said to DH 'who was the message meant for' he would say 'It was meant for Sarah' not for 'a friend' it does sound like a description given vaguely on purpose.

Maybe the OP is a jealous person or maybe he just didn't know what she would think about him being friends with an ex but he wasn't exactly forthcoming with who it was to.

Would you be happy if you asked your DP who he was going out with/on the phone to and he said 'Oh just a friend' and left it at that?

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:49

i think he actually has answered that in the past. i usually then say 'oh who is it' and then he'll say and if i know them i say to say hello.

chrismissymoomoomee · 19/12/2012 14:53

So you do press further if he says 'just a friend', thats exactly what the OP did.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:57

yes, but i thought you said it was suspicious that he said it was just a friend, not that she had probed. i don't think it is odd when dp says just a friend, i don't think he is being purposely vague.

Tamoo · 19/12/2012 14:57

My point about asking if he has use of another property is that if he does still have his own place the text would be suspect, however if he's inviting his ex over to the home he shares with OP then surely OP will be present and there is nothing to be suspicious about?

That being said it's a bit weird to invite your ex GF round to dinner with your current GF.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 14:59

i'm not criticising the op for probing, i do too out of nosiness. but i'm not saying it's weird to say 'a friend' either.

not sure i'm explaining well - wriggly baby on lap!

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 15:03

i think it is entirely dependent on the op and her partner. without knowing the answers to the questions upthread it is too hard to guess whether it's dodgy. based on my relationship no, based on others - yes!

PoppyPrincess · 19/12/2012 15:16

It sounds to me like this girl doesn't know about you and he wants her to think he's still single.
I don't think it means he's cheating but maybe that he likes to just keep his options open in case it doesn't work out with you.
It reminds me of something which is going on with friends at the mo, my DP works with a guy and has only mentioned this girl to DP once or twice, just in conversation about going to a restaurant on a date etc.
we also know that this guy has been on dates with other girls over the past few months (1 of which they work with), another he's mentioned to DP.
Anyway the girl who works with them did a bit of snooping on twitter and found out that he's got a girlfriend who he's been with for a year, he's been on holidays with her, she went with him to visit family but nobody knew about her and he'd been dating other girls too.
He was telling everybody that he was going away with a 'mate'.

I'm not saying that he is cheating, I don't think there's enough evidence of that but it sounds like he might not be telling the world about his relationship with you.

PoppyPrincess · 19/12/2012 15:23

And on the subject of being secretive about it being an ex, I have ex's who I'm pally with, often if I just start seeing someone and it doesn't work out I stay friends with them, but if they came up in conversation with DP I probably wouldn't tell him straight away that they're an ex, not because there's anything still going on but because I don't want him to a) think I've got a million ex's and b) I don't want him to get jealous for no reason. He knows about any significant ex's but not every guy I've ever been on a date with.
So I don't really think that part is worrying, to me it's more what the text said and what it meant

PoppyPrincess · 19/12/2012 15:32

spuddybean I've also been with DP 3 years and only met a couple of his friends. He only goes out to watch or play football so I just never fancy sitting in a room full of testosterone fuelled men cheering on a football team who I hate, I'd rather sit at home watching girly trashy tv thank you.
I still know about all of his friends though and if I asked who a text was off he'd normally say ''oh it's just Paul/smithy/Luke they're just seeing if I'm playing tomorrow''. He would always say who was texting and the reason

allgoingtoshitnow · 19/12/2012 16:57

Hes not having an affair. He probably just wants a quickie for old times sake. The text to his ex is letting her know in a joking way that the option is there. Clever really because if he fucks up and sends it to his DP by accident he can make out it was all a joke.

JessieMcJessie · 20/12/2012 15:46

Any update OP?

KEDB · 20/12/2012 17:21

I would set a date to have her over so you can at least keep everything in the public and above board. I would place money on it never happening as she and your boyfriend will probably find it too awkward. You need to explain to your boyfriend how destructive flirting and secrecy is in a relationship. It's simply disrespectful to you and what you are building.

Beaverfeaver · 20/12/2012 18:02

I sometimes joke to friends to bring a change of clothes if they are coming to dinner at mine as I make messy food and am clumsy with it!

I wouldn't think this I suspicious at all

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