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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at my dh for inviting his dd over when she has vomiting bug?

85 replies

parrotsandcarsnips · 18/12/2012 23:55

Ok my dh's adult dd lives nearby & she has been vomiting with earache. Dh offers her some home comforts & tlc at our house which is great EXCEPT he didnt tell me she had vomiting just earache . We have 2 small children here I don't want a sick house over xmas. Dh thinks I'm a cold b.... As I'm really mad at him. Aibu?

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 19/12/2012 07:58

YANBU. He could have gone and visited her and ensured he was really careful with hygiene there and back home.

Norovirus is spreading it's way around my family at the moment and I am being really strict on who my 2 young kids come into contact with. Seeing just how poorly my family have been, I do not want my kids to get it.

WinkyWinkola · 19/12/2012 07:58

Hold on, I wouldn't thank my adult child for coming home with a vomiting bug. Is this really a step child issue?

Gigondas · 19/12/2012 08:00

What winky said

BettySuarez · 19/12/2012 08:01

I left home at 17 and fended for myself. No way would I have imposed my bugs and viruses onto other people.

I would have been grateful if someone offered to pick up some shopping for me but I wouldn't ask to be looked after in someone's home, particularly morbid they had small children

Why can't your DH pop round there to check on her?

BettySuarez · 19/12/2012 08:03

I have no idea where the word morbid has come from?? Blush

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2012 08:05

I am rather flabbergasted by some responses. She is an adult. She does not need to be looked after. She would be extremely inconsiderate to visit your house until she knows she is not infectious. Her Dad is being a fool and not thinking through the possible consequences.

She lives close by so he can easily visit her, take food, even watch a DVD with her.

PoppyPrincess · 19/12/2012 08:07

Couldn't he just go to her house to offer her some nursing?
I still want my mum when I'm poorly but I wouldn't want to spread it to my younger siblings.
I don't thing your DH was being unreasonable by inviting her, from my experience they just don't think. But I think your DSD should have had a bit more initiative and consideration.

Gigondas · 19/12/2012 08:08

Also if she has noro (or is seriously poorly with earache) I suspect she would prefer her own bed so the idea of popping round is better.

lljkk · 19/12/2012 08:11

the decision was foolish until she had seen Gp

Coz it would be so much better if she distributes germs around the waiting room, since she's supposed to be that contagious. Not like there are vulnerable people in doctor's surgeries (oh wait...). As if GP could diagnose without 3 days of cultures exactly what the bug was, anyway.

I think folk are more unreasonably obsessed about

Alarm bells
Fireworks
Hysterical Screaming

NOROVIRUS

than anyone here is obsessed with the step-child issue.

Convert · 19/12/2012 08:13

If its a bug then YANBU at all. When ds1 was a baby fil came to ours on Christmas Day with bloody norovirus and we were all really ill. DS wasn't right for weeks. It's so selfish to spread bugs around especially when you have little ones.

allnewtaketwo · 19/12/2012 08:18

Predictably, people are getting hung up here on the "step" relationship.

Most reasonable parents will perfectly understand you now wanting anyone with an infectious bug coming into your house with young children, particularly near Christmas.

Similarly, any reasonable adult with said infectious bug will not want to come into a house with young children either.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2012 08:20

I don't read this as a step-child issue at all. It's an indulged kidult, lack of respect for viruses and lack of forethought issue.

Sure, it's nice to be nice if you can and much better that your DH cares about his daughter and acts on it, than being emotionally distant. But why aren't adults allowed to take adult responsibility for themselves? Would all the YABU-ers rush off to look after their adult offspring at university or when working, or bring them home with you, if they had a bug? Why? This one just happens to live close by. That makes her lucky he's able to drop round.

IceBergJam · 19/12/2012 08:23

Why do people get hold of the step relationship at the expense of all other facts?

My DD vomitted for a whole week, not eating any food, dropping from 25th to 4th percentile. Health visitors are still monitoring her weight. My DH could not fuction when he had it. I asked my stepchildren to stay away so that they did not catch it. Should I have carried on with the visitation schedule? Same situation but in reverse and involving an adult. The DH could have gone there.

I would not appreciate anyone bringing that virus into my house be it relation or not.

MrsDeVere · 19/12/2012 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProudAS · 19/12/2012 08:27

She's been vomitting which be down to any number of causes including ear ache. No mention of diarrhoea or other norovirus symptoms.

I'm all for people taking sensible precautions but not being neurotic.

NamingOfParts · 19/12/2012 08:29

YANBU

If you have a sickness bug then you should isolate yourself. If this were the other way round and your DH had the sickness bug and wanted to go and visit his daughter then I would think he was extremely selfish (and more than a bit dumb)

A bit of hand washing isnt enough. Sickness bugs are highly contagious.

ProudAS · 19/12/2012 08:36

Of course she should stay away if she has a sickness bug but if she hasn't had diarrhoea then it is unlikely.

IceBergJam · 19/12/2012 08:40

DD didn't have diarrhoea. Just a week of vomitting.

ellee · 19/12/2012 08:40

YANBU

Who wants to have two puking toddlers in the house at any time?

Maybe tell him fine so long as he minds the two smallies if they catch it?

Most sensible solution really is for hi to go to her, even stay with her if necc? Tho maybe she is in a house share or something and that wouldn't suit? What are her circumstances? I guess if she was a poor student in a house share I'd let het stay. But if grown woman with proper job and decent home, no!

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2012 08:41

I don't think it matters whether it's a virus or which one. She doesn't need to stay at your house when ill, for any illness. No adult needs to move in with other adults when ill.

Her Dad lives close by and is willing to visit and offer sympathy. She's lucky.

WaitingForMe · 19/12/2012 08:44

I wouldn't want my DSSs coming over if they had a vomiting bug nor if DS did. I'd rather non of the boys get sick. I'd be gutted to not get to spend the time with them but I'd rather they were healthy. I can't imagine DH wanting to see them at a risk to their or DSs health either.

ProudAS · 19/12/2012 09:12

How certain can you be that she does have a bug? There are countless causes of vomitting - it could be a side effect of ear ache or medication she's been taking for it and prior to going on the pill I would often throw up at the start of my period due to bad stomach cramps.

There is a difference between knowingly and unwittingly spreading germs but the question is where to draw the line. Keeping a well child off school because a family member has been sick WBU and I don't see that having a visitor who is careful about hygiene and may not have the bug is any different.

Has she seen/spoken to her GP about the symptoms? (I don't suggest taking a sickness bug into the waiting room but I'm sure arrangements could be made if the ear ache needed medical attention.)

sue52 · 19/12/2012 09:12

She's an adult and should stay away. It would be different if she was still a child.

takataka · 19/12/2012 09:29

If she has norovirus, and it is that incapacitating, then she might need looking after. Surely she can be in bed and kept seperate

How old is this adult step child? 36 or 16?

I agree with ljkk - compassion should trump hysteria

choceyes · 19/12/2012 09:42

YANBU.

I would never knowlingly expose my DCs to a vomitting bug. Even if it's one of my DCs who's got the bug, then I'd try and minimise their contact with the other DC. Difficult when in the same house though. Your DSD is lucky she's got her own place nearby and a dad that can go around and look after her. It is insanity to have her stay over at yours.