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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that one week before an overnight visit isn't too early to ask for plans to be confirmed?

32 replies

Lexiesgirl · 18/12/2012 21:07

Maybe I'm right. Or maybe I'm being precious here!

A very old friend is staying over with me at my parents house on Christmas Eve. I don't live there, I'm just back for Christmas as my DP is working Christmas Day, she is staying over as it's more convenient than her parents house and my parents are more than happy to have her. I've just texted her to ask if she had any rough ideas yet what her plans were (I expressly said 'rough') - what time she might arrive, and whether she wants dinner. She replied "how on earth would I know that yet? I've no idea."

I replied and said I just wanted to give my parents a heads up as one, they'll be doing a shop during the week and would need to get food in - my friend is vegetarian so they'd need to make sure they have something suitable for her, otherwise we would normally have something very meaty - and two, they'll be looking after DD when my friend and I go out that night and I thought it was just polite to let them know if they were going to have to do bathtime and bedtime.

So I explained this to my friend, and she replied again with "I really don't have a clue. I'll let you know at the end of the week."

So - am I just plain odd to think it's only polite to give people more than a day or two's warning of what you are doing, or is this perfectly normal and I'm being controlling?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 18/12/2012 21:09

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable question to me. This involves your parents, so she is being a bit rude really.

Sparklingbrook · 18/12/2012 21:10

The correct response from her would have been 'What time would be convenient?'. Confused

CunningPlan · 18/12/2012 21:12

Rude of her not to be able to confirm plans at this stage - this is Christmas, not just any weekend - and rude, rude, RUDE of her to respond in that manner. I think if it were me that there might be a sudden shortage of beds at the Inn...

peaceandlovebunny · 18/12/2012 21:16

rude, arrogant, selfish, entitled... she's staying with your parents', going out with you, and she can't tell you when? rude.
she probably does not have a household of her own, no children, so is not accustomed to making plans for more than herself.
she's a child in woman's clothing.
bite your lip, make what preparations you can, don't expect too much, go through with it this year and never let it happen again.

Uppermid · 18/12/2012 21:17

Very rude of her. Do you think she's maybe hoping of a better offer elsewhere?

OhYouMerryLittleKitten · 18/12/2012 21:17

YANBU.
Some people have no idea.

MerryChristmasEverybody · 18/12/2012 21:20

It might be that she has to work, and won't know her hours, or something like that.

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 18/12/2012 21:23

YANBU

Even if she normally thinks a few hours' notice is enough for a sleepover Hmm it is absolutely normal for people to plan for Christmas Day at least a week in advance - booking the internet grocery shop, for example, or washing the right sheets.

Original poster
Lexiesgirl · 18/12/2012 21:24

No better offer - there's no one else in our home town we know any more, we both moved away a long time ago so only our families are left. Her DH is working Christmas Day too so.

Peaceandlove - well guessed, no kids of her own yet. Though I know it is hard to understand the need to plan quite so much when you don't have kids, I've been guilty of that myself. So yes, she is a bit of a child in an adults body sometimes, she's not close to her family either so I really don't think she is used to factoring other people in to her plans. She's a great friend but my GOD this habit can be annoying!

She isn't working that day, though that would be a perfectly fine excuse (though surely you'd word it politer than she did). In fact, having any other plans during the busy Christmas period would be fine - just word it nicer!

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 18/12/2012 21:24

Incredibly rude. As sparkling said she should have asked what time would be good.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 18/12/2012 21:26

Gosh very rude responses from her.

I'd not chase her again and just let your parents know that she isn't able to confirm the time and to worry about her dinner.

Then I'd speak to her when you saw her next and tell her that she was being rude.

ohfunnyface · 18/12/2012 21:26

Make other plans- I hate people that dick you about like that.

Bah.

BillyBollyBrandy · 18/12/2012 21:29

I have a friend who refuses to be drawn on when she will be somewhere, because basically she is self important. So I don't arrange anything that would inconvenience me.

If you want to have a meal with your parents, do that and she will have to fit in. If you want an early night to get up early with dd and she turns up at 8,her tough luck. If she decides she DID want to eat with you but lets you know, tell her your parents have already done their shopping...

ifancyashandy · 18/12/2012 21:30

Ahem PeaceandLove' I have no children but as a single, grown woman, I'm running a household - my own - and I'm not playing at being a grown up. No need for the generalisations Hmm

Your friend is being rude Lexie and YANBU

MerylStrop · 18/12/2012 21:32

Text back, "Sorry, parents need to know if you need feeding, otherwise it will be beans on toast"

Original poster
Lexiesgirl · 18/12/2012 21:36

Sorry ifancy, I agreed with peace and you're right, that is a bit of a rude generalisation. No offence meant. I know in my friend's case it does apply but there's no reason that applies to everyone. Sorry - Brew?

Meryl, I think I might even not ask about dinner again, she's been asked once and if she only replies a day or so in advance then it will be a veggie burger from the bottom of the freezer, and if she only replies on the day it will be beans and toast!

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 18/12/2012 21:45

Unbelievably rude. Sounds like a spoilt teenager.

Personally I would just tell her - "we'll be eating about x pm, see you after that then" and let her self cater if she can't commit.

ifancyashandy · 18/12/2012 22:02

Lexie, make it a Wine and there'll be peace and love to all (wo)men!

AlbertoFrog · 18/12/2012 22:07

No confirmation - no dinner! Not even beans on toast. If she arrives early she can make herself a cheese sandwich while everyone else tucks in to a hearty dinner.

Very rude in my opinion.

She does realise your parents are doing her a favour?

TraineeBabyCatcher · 18/12/2012 22:15

It's one thing not knowing for sure, but the way she has responded is just down right rude.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 18/12/2012 22:36

Is she normally like this?

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 18/12/2012 22:57

'if you want a meal Friday night, you need to let me know tomorrow. Cheers'

No response, no meal

SantasENormaSnob · 19/12/2012 01:00

She is rude as fuck.

YoSaffBridge · 19/12/2012 14:09

She's not normally so rude, though she can be very difficult to tie down to a place and a time. She's always busy, though much of it is her own making, if that makes any sense.

Thinking about this, I'm worried that the problem might be that I now have a DC. Life changes when you work and have children, doesn't it, and now I have less time and have to plan my time carefully. She's used to me being a bit more spontaneous, but I can't do that any more. I do appreciate that it is difficult to fully understand until you have similar binds on your time, but I have tried to explain to her why things are different now and she doesn't seem to get it. Whenever she comes to visit me her plans always change and she's very noncomittal on times - difficult to manage when you have a baby that loves its routine!

YoSaffBridge · 19/12/2012 14:15

Balls - that was me. OP, playing with a name change and forgot! Xmas Grin

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