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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that beer and fags are a luxury not a necessity?

43 replies

PoppyPrincess · 18/12/2012 20:08

I'm on SMP at the mo and we're struggling for money. We managed to save some whilst I was pregnant but that has nearly all gone.
I'm
Pretty sensible with money and made all the cut backs I can but DP is still smoking and drinking. He smokes about 10 a day (but prob more) and usually has 3 or 4 cans a night. I never really minded that in the past, yes I'd prefer it if he didn't but I can live with it. But now we're so much worse off we just can't afford it anymore.
I've talked to him about it loads and every time he agrees that he needs to stop/cut down, especially the smoking, and he always promises that he's going to give up but then nothing happens.
I've bought him patches etc which he tried for about a week and then gave up.
I just don't know what else I can do, I know it takes so much willpower to give up but it just doesn't seem right that me and the kids are going without stuff whilst he's still spending money exactly in the same way as he used to.
The savings have now nearly all gone so after that's gone I'll either have to start using my credit card or go back to work earlier than planned.
He is a lovely man, kind, caring, a brilliant dad and he has been fantastic at helping me through my PND, he really has the patience of a saint! But he is absolutely terrible with money and just doesn't seem to get that we can't afford to be throwing £200 a month down the drain on things that we don't need.
What can I do?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/12/2012 20:12

I know how hard it is to give up smoking, so how about he tries roll-ups, that is a hell of a lot cheaper.

As for the drinking, does he buy in bulk (ie the 18 can packs when they are on special offer) or buy them nightly. You can halve that bill too by looking for the bogofs..

Having said that, if you and your kids are going without food and essential items, then he is being unfair and money should go on that first before drink.

wonderingsoul · 18/12/2012 20:13

does he really need 3-4 can a night? every night.. sorry but that sounds like a real problem.

in an ideal world he would give up all together. but prehasp you should suggest he gives up the beer.. maybe have one or two on a sat and switches to rollies.

Sirzy · 18/12/2012 20:14

I agree they are luxuries but then I am someone who has never smoked and hardly drinks. If he is needing that much then he is dependant on both it would seem which makes it harder.

Would he be able/willing to give up one first and then look at the other? So agree to stop drinking but leave the smoking for now or vice verca?

BridgetBidet · 18/12/2012 20:15

Look at the alcohol first, he should be able to cut that down to at least weekends only and if he can't/won't then you have a serious problem.

wonderingsoul · 18/12/2012 20:16

i wouldnt suggest giving up smoking and still drinking, because its highly like;y he enjoys a cig with his drink so your be going round in circles.

deff cut down the drink. maybe just one night a week. or just buy 4 or 6 or how ever they come and says thats it.

maddening · 18/12/2012 20:17

Tell him he can go on rollies and cut the booze - that''ll make cutting down if not stopping altogether easier - booze really doesn't aid stopping smoking. 3-4 cans a night is a lot.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 18/12/2012 20:19

If he drinks every night he's not going to give up smoking. When I gave up I had to stop drinking for a while. Lowered willpower and habit are a bad combination. The smoking cessation nurse at my local GP was great. Free nicotine and lots of support. He has to want to, though.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/12/2012 20:21

I would ignore the smoking but if he carries on drinking that much just don't feed him and if he asks why, he spent the food money on drink

ArielTheBahHumbugMermaid · 18/12/2012 20:22

No, I don't think they are necessities. If he's already a father he needs to stop smoking and cut down on his drinking anyway. In my opinion.

Overberries · 18/12/2012 20:22

Also on SMP and beer and fags a weekend luxury now in this house. We are both as bad as each other but have had to break to habit as it adds up to loads and you just don't notice the money draining away.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 18/12/2012 20:25

I would shop for the cheapest beer and roll up cigarettes and not buy any others.

They are 'luxuries' if you're not addicted. Unless he's alcoholic maybe the beers the easiest to cut back on - isn't there still lager for 29p in Tesco though?

Original poster
PoppyPrincess · 18/12/2012 20:25

He doesn't need the beer, he just likes it, if he can't have any then it can manage without, he's not got a drink problem as such, I think it's more habit than anything. If we could afford it I'd have a couple of glasses of wine a night, I used to but gave up cos we can't afford it.

Don't get me wrong me and the kids aren't going without food or essentials, I'd never let that happen but I've given up any luxuries I used to have (nails, wine, nights out etc) and the kids have a more limited winter wardrobe than I would like but DP's spending is no different than it used to be.
He doesn't have nights out but never has, he doesn't buy clothes (hates shopping anyway) the only thing he buys are the beer n fags.
I've said it's like me going out and spending £200 every month on clothes and make up.

He sometimes gets the bulk packs of beer or sometimes in 4 packs from the little shop, tbh the little shop does some really good deals so often works out about the same price.
I've found if I get him a box of 20 to last him a week he'll just end up drinking more because its there.

OP posts:
SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 18/12/2012 20:28

"I've found if I get him a box of 20 to last him a week he'll just end up drinking more because its there."

I think you're wrong about him not having a problem.

Original poster
PoppyPrincess · 18/12/2012 20:29

sock I've thought about doing that, just making me and DS meals and tell him it's like we're in big brother and he chose to spend his food allowance on fags.
I'll raise the subject with him again tonight and I can guarantee what he'll say ''I know, I know, I really do want to give up'' and will probably promise to do it in the new year

I'll let you know how it goes

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 18/12/2012 20:34

He's not taking responsibility for family spending. He's either selfish or an addict.

Original poster
PoppyPrincess · 18/12/2012 20:36

santa maybe you're right. I need words with him. It's hard for me to say because I've been bordering on having a drink problem a couple of times in the past. I love to have a drink, always have and like i said I would drink wine every night if I could but for me once I noticed feeling like I needed it then I cut it down, now I only drink at weekends or occasionally midweek if we have a nice meal or I've had a stressful day.

I think people think that having a drink problem means that you are a major drinker but I think you can have a problem without being a full on alcoholic. So yes maybe he does have a problem

OP posts:
Original poster
PoppyPrincess · 18/12/2012 20:39

The trouble is because he has no idea about budgeting he gave me all his banking details and said ''you just be in charge of all the finances''. That suits me down to the ground but the promlem with that is that he now never looks at his finances to see how little money there is so I think he's in denial a bit.
I think I maybe actually show him online tonight

OP posts:
KentuckyFriedChildren · 18/12/2012 20:46

Could you get him to try e-cigs? They definately work out cheaper long term (although there is the initial outlay) and he wont smell of smoke all the time. With the drink i would suggest that he chooses 2 or 3 nights per week to have a couple cans. Certainly trying to stop smoking while still drinking will not work.

fenix · 18/12/2012 20:52

He sounds like he's checked out of sharing financial responsibility, and this is causing big problems since it facilitates his denial about how tight things are. It is never a good idea for one partner to abdicate complete control over anything, precisely for reasons like this. You both need to sit down and really hash out a fair budget, and stick to it .

Now, the second major issue here is that his excessive spending is on two products which cause major health problems. So it's not exactly as if you were spending money on clothes, since that wouldn't shorten your lifespan. His vices will prove to be a terrible example for your children - even if they don't see him drink each can, or smoke each fag, they'll know that he has a problem. Nip it in the bud, or it might get much worse over time.

He has to want to change though, you can't do it for him. You can only present the facts about the budget and the damage to his health, and offer your support for him making the necessary changes. If he can't be arsed to make an effort, then that speaks volumes and your only choice is whether to live with it, or walk away.

Thatsinteresting · 18/12/2012 21:00

I agree with others that it'll be very hard to quit smoking while still drinking. I also agree that 21-28 cans a week is a lot and that may be he does have a problem. There is plenty of support out there if he feels ready to give up either/both.
However, he may not feel ready so you need another solution. A few years ago my dh and I argued a lot about what our money got spent on so we agreed that all our money went into or account to cover bills, food, kids clothes etc and we would both get some 'pocket money' to spend exactly how we wanted without the other person saying anything. This system has worked for us for nearly 10 years. You could try and suggest you do the same but very tactfully, you don't want him to feel like a child being given pocket money. If he has £100 at the start of the month and it's all gone within 2 weeks (I'm guessing, I don't know how much smoking costs) he might start to realise how much he's costing the family.
I also think you are right and should show him exactly how much money is coming in and going out. Good luck.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 18/12/2012 21:05

He can't have it both ways. You either let one person do all the finances but then you get the 'pocket money' you are given and no more OR you do a shared budget and discuss spending. Sounds like he wants to spend as he sees fit, get you to do the budget and make it all fit. Not cool.

WorraLorraTurkey · 18/12/2012 21:05

I think he should switch to roll ups and if you haven't already bought his Christmas present, get him an E-Cig.

The drinking he should knock on the head and maybe just have a little tipple at weekends.

I don't think him drinking more because it's there indicates a problem any more than some people can't resist eating chocolates because they happen to be there.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 18/12/2012 21:08

I suppose if he won't give up the beer and ciggies, the answer is he needs to get a second job eves or weekends to fund his habits. Would he do that?

Kayano · 18/12/2012 21:23

I'm ridiculously careful with money and me and dh prioritise everything. Never had a credit card despite vein in jobs below the national average and save and overpay the mortgage monthly

Drink (can't comment on cigs as never smoked) is a luxury. I have a bottle of strawberry cider in the fridge that I am going to open tonight on my day off and it is such a treat I've left it til quite late lol. I've just it the one. Dh has some Stella in the fridge but isn't having any tonight as he has 2 left til Christmas.

We do buy it and have it when we want but I've just gone back to work part time and with Christmas we have found ourselves in the overdraft for the first time.

Will be sorted on payday as we get a bonus and payrise (I'm only saying that because what we buy we consider and if its more than we have we consider how we would pay t back etc)

If we couldn't afford it, it wouldn't happen. And drink and my chocolate addiction would be the first cuts.
The baby as well has a drink problem. I'm always having to buy her bottles... ;P

singledadof2 · 18/12/2012 21:33

He needs to decide to give up smoking for his own reasons. It's a will power thing. Only He can find that within himself.
4 cans of beer per night may well be excessive to some but to others it's like drinking tea. However beer should really only ever be bought as a treat.