To think that beer and fags are a luxury not a necessity?

[PoppyPrincess]

I'm on SMP at the mo and we're struggling for money. We managed to save some whilst I was pregnant but that has nearly all gone.
I'm
Pretty sensible with money and made all the cut backs I can but DP is still smoking and drinking. He smokes about 10 a day (but prob more) and usually has 3 or 4 cans a night. I never really minded that in the past, yes I'd prefer it if he didn't but I can live with it. But now we're so much worse off we just can't afford it anymore.
I've talked to him about it loads and every time he agrees that he needs to stop/cut down, especially the smoking, and he always promises that he's going to give up but then nothing happens.
I've bought him patches etc which he tried for about a week and then gave up.
I just don't know what else I can do, I know it takes so much willpower to give up but it just doesn't seem right that me and the kids are going without stuff whilst he's still spending money exactly in the same way as he used to.
The savings have now nearly all gone so after that's gone I'll either have to start using my credit card or go back to work earlier than planned.
He is a lovely man, kind, caring, a brilliant dad and he has been fantastic at helping me through my PND, he really has the patience of a saint! But he is absolutely terrible with money and just doesn't seem to get that we can't afford to be throwing £200 a month down the drain on things that we don't need.
What can I do?

Fast food & coffees are also not essential. Neither are ready meals or sweets.

Well thanks for that pearl of wisdomE320 do you mind telling me exactly why that is relevant to this thread?

Agreed but he is probably addicted to both by now so sees them as necessary.

I have never smoked and barely drink although I do like a few glasses of wine every now and again. If we were struggling that would be the first thing to go. However I know that it easy for me to say.

Kayano strawberry cider you say? Sounds nice!

Thanks everyone, I have spoken with him tonight and I told him that I think he might have a drink problem (which he denied) and he has said that he's not going to buy any more. I said I don't mind at weekends or for a treat but every day is just too much, especially as we're so skint.

I agree about the message it gives to the kids, I don't like DS seeing him drinking, even when I was drinking every night I very rarely had it in front of DS, I used to wait till he was in bed. Partly because I like to be able to relax and enjoy it in peace and partly because I'm conscious of the message it sends out. I'll have a glass of wine with a Sunday roast or special meal with DS there, on Xmas day I only drink bubbly all day, but I don't want him growing up thinking its normal to come in from work and walk straight to the fridge and get a can of beer.
The smoking also pisses me off because baby is only 3 months old and although he only smokes outside I don't want his faggy breath near her. Sometimes I can smell it on her after he's held her. It really upsets me because its not how I want my kids bringing up and I feel like I have no control over it.

E320 sorry I don't really get what you mean? None of us really buy fast food, coffees, ready meals or sweets. I'm doing slimming world so we all eat home made healthy meals, the only coffees are ones at home. DS has a reward chart and every Friday (assuming he's been good all week) gets to pick a treat (eg McDonald's, a cake from bakery, sweets) that's the only non essential spend I make but I think it's money very well spent as it works as bribery to keeps a mischievous 3 year old behaving!

Maybe he needs to try and get a new routine going in the early evening?

Sit down and show him the budget. Get him to understand how much he is spending and that he has a drink problem. 4 beers a night is not normal or healthy.

Give him his fags and beer for one week (say 8 beers and twenty fags to last one week) and tell him when it's gone it's gone. You will buy the next lot in a weeks time.

Or can you just his daily allowance on the side - one beers and 3 fags a night?

I would love to give him rations but worried I'd appear to be some controlling bitch. I want him to give up because he wants to rather than because he's being forced or else he'll just start lying to me. We have a good relationship (apart from this issue) so I don't want to ruin it by treating him like a naughty kid

Would you really love to give him rations? I would hate to have that arrangement with DH. What we do has been mentioned, bills are paid, DD's needs and education fund and savings and all that. Any money left over is for treats and we split it down the middle. It sounds like you spend nothing on treats and DH feels entitled to his. That is a recipe for resentment.

chocolate orange you're right no I don't really want to give out rations, I'd like him to ration himself or just stop. I'd like to just not have to worry about money anymore. If we were skint but I knew that we were both making sacrifices and both doing everything possible to cut our spending then I could sleep better at night.
I'm painting him to be a right tool here but he's really not, he's just got his head in the sand pretending everything is fine...but it's really not! :(

I'm reporting you for licking me

This is why budgeting is a family affair. It's like cake when you were little. Whoever cuts doesn't get to choose. If he delegates the budget, he gets what he is given. Does he understand his fags and booze mean less time at home for you and the LO?

Tbh I've not really discussed the possibility of me going back to work with him yet. I moan at my mum for doing this...she has a little stress in her head but then doesn't say what's bothering her...I'm doing it to a certain extent now. Well I've told him that we can't afford the beer and fags and that I don't think it's fair that me and the kids are making sacrifices and he's not but I've not really explained that I'm going to have to start using my credit card or go back to work.
I have such an issue with debt too because I got in a mess with credit cards but last year I finally managed to pay them off and I have vowed to never use them again. So to use it wouldn't be a big deal but to me it is a massive deal.
Although we do talk about things maybe I need to explain in more detail what a big deal it is to me.

You need to lay everything out to him, factually and calmly. Tell him why you are worried. Tell him about having to use credit to pay for essentials or how it makes you feel to have to go back to work. Give him the chance to tell you why he feels the need to drink and smoke, what is he stressed about. This could be a great thing for your relationship.

Thanks chocolate orange.

You're right we need a proper heart to heart. I feel like I use it as an excuse for everything at the mo but my PND does cloud my judgment and affects how I deal with things, the main problem being that I find it difficult to communicate my feelings very well. Ironically I find it easier when I've had a drink...maybe I need to get pissed with him! Lol
But because I'm not talking about problems as and when they arise it builds up and ends up with me getting upset and pissed off and then everything comes out wrong.

YANBU.... And a 'lovely man' wouldn't keep making promises and then letting you down. He's being very, very selfish.

Roll ups almost cut the cost of smoking in half. That really is a start. And you tend to smoke less/they last longer.

Good luck!

Please be careful not to get into trouble with the credit cards. You know you need to talk to him, he has abdicated responsibility from the budgeting but his head needs to be pulled from the sand. Hopefully when he sees what the consequences of his continued drinking and smoking, he will make sensible decisions. By the way, IMO even 2 beers EVERY night is a huge amount.

2 beers a night is not a huge amount.