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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be totally fed up with my dh moaning that our house is too small and cluttered, and to tell him so?

65 replies

ponymaloney · 17/12/2012 23:26

I'm knackered, stressed and trying to remain cheerful. Dh gets really fecking irritating at Christmas, moans about the cost, the message, the clutter. Today he put the tree up and then moaned and moaned that the house was too small, there was too much stuff everywhere. Our house is a lovely, 4 bedroom (we have 3 kids) country cottage, yes it's old and a bit grotty in places but I think we are incredibly lucky to live in such a pretty house in a lovely part of the world. I really snapped, esp as I had just watched the news and was feeling quite frankly blessed to have 3 happy healthy kids. I told him he was spoilt and ungrateful and that he should get out a bit and see what a small house is really like and that in 5 years the kids would start leaving home so he ould keep everything immaculate and minimalist then which would no doubt make him happy. Unseasonable?

OP posts:

Iheartpasties · 18/12/2012 06:45

hahahahahaha

BeaWheesht · 18/12/2012 06:48

My dh is like this. We've been together 12 years and one of the reasons I fell I love with with him was because he was do happy go lucky. If makes me really sad to type that - sad for him and for me and the kids just feels like he sucks the joy out of things

naughtymummy · 18/12/2012 06:52

I feel your pain. We have 2 beautiful healthy children and a huge 4 bedroom house.DH moans constantly about the fact that no one puts stuff away except for him. Joyless is the word.

Original poster

ponymaloney · 18/12/2012 06:56

Yes that's what it feels like, joyless. I know he's really stressed and he says the control over keeping the house tidy is relaxing. Why couldn't he take up a fecking hobby??! He's got to the point where he thinks he is the only person in the house who does anything to 'stem the tide' of clutter. Just wish he'd stop tidying and sit in bed with a cup of tea

OP posts:

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 18/12/2012 06:56

Is there room in the garden for a shed he can sulk in?

CheerfulYank · 18/12/2012 06:57

Wait, so who does the laundry? I'm a bit confused. :o

Original poster

ponymaloney · 18/12/2012 07:01

Our house is gorgeous! It really is! We have 3 amazing kids. I feel sorry for him that that's not enough. He's always on fecking right move looking at frankly unaffordable houses, it drives me mad! The one positive thing that's come out of it is that I realise how grateful I am for my kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

ponymaloney · 18/12/2012 07:04

Lol - we both do the laundry but I go through taking out all the clean stuff before he chucks it all in the wash. Oh and everything goes in the tumble dryer because hanging it on the airer causes to much clutter. (actually he is better at hanging things out since I got cross about it)

OP posts:

Original poster

ponymaloney · 18/12/2012 07:06

Reading this back he sounds really unhappy. I feel like I have done a crappy job as a wife

OP posts:

Trumpton · 18/12/2012 07:07

I snapped and called DH a "Joysucker" and said he reminded me of a Dementor . That was a while ago and be is a bit better.
MIL will always find a " but" in everything but I pointed out to DH that he is old enough to break the pattern .
It is very wearing tho.

Original poster

ponymaloney · 18/12/2012 07:11

A dementor! that has made me lolol for the first time in a couple of days. Mil is obsessively tidy so I blame her.

OP posts:

naughtymummy · 18/12/2012 07:16

Yy to obsessively tidy MIL as I have become older and more confident I have told her that I think a bit of mess makes a house looked "lived in" and quite frankly I have better things to do with my life than obsess over where the scissors live.

Imaginethat · 18/12/2012 07:28

I think you are both fighting losing battles. He wants minimal and you are prioritising family life. It is actually the sort of thing that drives huge wedges between couples. You have to be on the same side else it doesn't work. Obviously I am on your side here but that isn't likely to help much, you need him on your side.

MrsBucketxx · 18/12/2012 07:48

My mil is stupidly tidy too, ( this is why dh can be so anal at times gah) but my home is relatively clutter free. I can't help throwing stuff out ever so often.

If its that bad invest in clever storage, and get a skip throw out everything you don't need or use, keep sentimental stuff etc. But get dh to do this as he has the issue.

Youll be amazed how big your home is.

misterwife · 18/12/2012 08:15

I get very truculent when I have to heft things about the place, primarily because I can't do it. There's a lot of Christmas/post-Chanukah (yes we do both) upheaval at the moment and I've been grouching about the place. But if left to cool off, then I do cheer up.

Is it the case that hard work turns your DH into a grump and he needs to be left to cool down too? Or is there some kind of other simmering resentment here, which has nothing to do with household tasks? I'm sensing from your other posts that his attitude has soured a bit over time, and that he's become unpleasant to live with in general.

Maybe try to get to the bottom of it?

misterwife · 18/12/2012 08:15

'about the place' twice. Must. Check. Before. Posting.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 18/12/2012 08:26

YANBU. A 4 bed house? Tell him to try a 2 bed house, I'm sure he'd learn to appreciate how lucky he is.

ErikNorseman · 18/12/2012 08:42

My ILs live in a tiny tiny two bed apartment. 2 parents, 3 adult children, one bed bound granny and two toddlers. Your DH doesn't know he's born.

Jinsei · 18/12/2012 08:47

Are you married to my DH? He sounds exactly the same!!

It's a nightmare to live with, isn't it OP. I fantasiseabout being married to one of those men who are apparently oblivious to any mess.

melika · 18/12/2012 08:54

I get the same, he says this house is too cluttered. He reckons he would be minimalist. His biggest bugbear is when he comes in and sees shoes and bags in the hall, when they should have been put in the closet.My big question to you is have you ever seen a man living on their own, in grime, collecting stuff and they don't wash.

They would be lost without us, clearing up after them.

KvetnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 18/12/2012 09:00

my dad is like this.

this year, mum is working, and dad has made it so abundantly clear that none of us 4 kids is welcome in his home, so he will be alone for Christmas, just him and the dogs rattling around in their 5 bedroom farmhouse. He's thrilled :(

Spuddybean · 18/12/2012 09:13

hhhhmm i hate having stuff everywhere too. i feel as tho i'm going to suffocate, i feel really claustrophobic and just want to walk out and never go home. So i can kind of empathise. Altho at xmas i don't care as it's temporary, it's usually the rest of the year with permanent stuff which upsets me.

Can i just ask why is he putting clean stuff in the wash? is it not all in a laundry basket? and if so why is there clean stuff in there? or, like my house, is it scattered on the floor so you have to pick it up and sniff/examine it to ascertain dirtiness?

MrsBucketxx · 18/12/2012 09:29

Rule is in my house if its on the floor it gets washed, easy peasy.

lisianthus · 18/12/2012 09:32

Oh dear. Like Spuddybean, I can empathise with your DH too. When there is no-where at all you can go which is tidy, it does my head in, as it feels I am just surrounded by jobs and wave upon wave of crap which no-one else is interested in sorting out. I then start fantasising about moving out into a small studio flat of my own. I'm nowhere near a minimalist, but I can't stand total chaos everywhere either. And yes, I AM grateful for my family- it doesn't mean I am not!

My DH doesn't see clutter either, but at least he doesn't tell me to count my blessings when I am stressed.

I find it helps if I know that there is one room in the house I can go to which is tidy and in which I don't feel stressed and overwhelmed. Could you suggest that to your DH? From what you say the rest of the family might be happy hoarders, but he isn't happy. If you all make an effort with one room, as you seem to have lots of rooms, it may reduce his stress levels quite a bit.

And what spuddy said re the washing- presumably he's not just pulling neatly folded clothes out of drawers?

Original poster

ponymaloney · 18/12/2012 09:41

Our house is very tidy! I am quite tidy and I declutter often BUT we have 3 sporty kids (kit), 2 ponies and 2 dogs so SOMETIMES things are left lying around. Christmas is the worst time for him as presents pile up (in cupboards!) I really don't know what more I can do. This is as good as it gets as far as the house goes!

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