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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To text my sister about things I have posted after she has not replied.

27 replies

Roseformeplease · 17/12/2012 15:36

I sent my sister (overseas) presents for her, her husband and their children, as I do every Christmas and birthday. These were posted about three weeks ago, along with a separately wrapped birthday present for my sister.

I have now e-mailed twice over the past week to ask if the presents have arrived and also to wish her a happy birthday. She hasn't replied.

She has form for not replying - it took 4 e-mails over 4 months after the children's birthdays (all within 4 weeks of each other) before she replied that they had written to say thank you and they must have got lost in the post. I told her this time, in an e-mail, the postage date and asked that she let me know when they arrived. I also made it clear that it was not the thanks we were looking for, but to know that the parcels had arrived.

I know part of me wants some kind of thanks but it is not really worth having if I have to force her to reply. I also know I will be told to just stop sending stuff - which is what my husband will want. However, these are my children's only cousins and, in a way, it is building a sort of long distance relationship for them. I really love my own cousins and want that for my children.

AIBU to now text her and ask if they arrived and if she had a good birthday (it was a week ago) or should I just leave it alone, assume they got there and stop worrying.

OP posts:

DozyDuck · 17/12/2012 15:42

Can't you just ring her?

supadupapupascupa · 17/12/2012 15:44

why not ring her? did you not speak on her birthday? She might be pissed of at you for not calling? I would always text before email anyway....

Leafmould · 17/12/2012 15:45

You want to continue sending the gifts.
She does not acknowledge them in a timely way
Your partner is perhaps not Keen you sending the gifts because it stresses you out.

Post the gifts, and then let go.

It sounds like your sister is not that into keeping in touch at this stage in life, so do it because you want to, not because you need any communication from her.

MrsChristmasBungle · 17/12/2012 15:47

E mail seems very formal! Can't you just phone or text her? Did you not text or call on her birthday?

I hardly ever check my e mail.

Paiviaso · 17/12/2012 15:47

If you know she doesn't email, stop emailing her! You'll just be banging your head against a brick wall.

Agree with Dozy that you should ring. International texting can be dodgy, so might not help your situation at all. It doesn't need to be a long conversation, just a quick chat.

JustFabulous · 17/12/2012 15:50

I get fed up when friends don't let me know a gift has arrived either by saying so or sending a thank you. This time I paid an extra 95p on all the gifts so I could check on line myself for delivery. Oh the irony when all but one rang/texted to say they had arrived!

DH made me stop buying for a relative when they had yet another baby as we hadn't had a single thank you in all that time. Next time I saw them they thanked me for the card..

hillyhilly · 17/12/2012 15:52

I have two brothers both similar to this, have learnt that I just have to let it go, assume that the stuff got there and they are just being rude, inconsiderate and ungrateful. I always send a text on the day of their birthday (rarely speak!) and in it I usually say that I hope the gift got there so at least it is clear that I have posted something.

InExitCelsisDeo · 17/12/2012 16:12

My brother lives overseas and I never send his children gifts, or he mine. It does not mean that my DD and his DSs are not close. We see them at least once a year and all is fine. I buy them things when I see them.

Phone her.

Original poster

Roseformeplease · 17/12/2012 16:25

We have always communicated by email. I will text now, as I have got her new number but can't easily phone because of the time difference. I know she gets emails as it is a work address and her own company. I don't have her new home phone number (they move a lot) and am not sure she even has one. Am texting now which she will get in about 7-8 hours, when she wakes up.

We don't see them at all as when they come back to UK they visit the other end of Britain and we can't afford to get down there in the height of summer - we usually visit my family down there off season as we have to rent somewhere to stay. Last saw them 2.5 years ago at my father's funeral.

She was pretty awful to me and we didn't speak for ages but I have always sent gifts for the children, her and her husband. She can be wonderful so I am not sure what to do really. She doesn't send gifts but sends my children Amazon vouchers sometimes (not birthdays but sometimes a month or two after Christmas).

OP posts:

londongirlatheart · 17/12/2012 16:46

My family are like this. I always send presents any way that I can request a signature. I can check on line

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2012 16:53

I think you should let her know they're on their way then wait until after the birthday \ Christmas and allow her reasonable time to thank you before asking, once, if they arrived. Or, better, just let it go and don't ask.

I understand you just want to know they got there but she may feel you are hounding her for gratitude before she's even had a chance to open them. You need to allow her the freedom to do the right thing.

Original poster

Roseformeplease · 17/12/2012 17:00

Can you request a signature for overseas post?

Thanks Lottie - I know that is the level headed thing to do. I just get so upset and angry that we make such an effort and ask only that she lets us know things have arrived. My children ask all the time, particularly my DD who wants to get to know them, find out if they liked things. My children buy the stuff for their cousins themselves and I pay the ridiculous postage!

OP posts:

GreenPetal94 · 17/12/2012 17:17

Why would the gifts not arrive?

Just send them and keep other communications you might have separate from the gifts, otherwise you are turning a lovely thought into a hassle for her.

I do think that sending gifts within a family situation is worth doing even if the favour is not returned. One day she may move closer and you may get closer.

Happy Christmas

LoonyRationalist · 17/12/2012 17:17

Sounds to me like you are not communicating the way she would like you too. She is getting the email at work - more pressing matters are important at that time. There must be a time when you are both awake, set an alarm to remind you and then ring and speak to her then.

In future write on the outside of the package, please let me know this arrived ok. If she then doesn't communicate then you need to accept that & decide whether you want to continue to send presents which are not acknowledged (perfectly fine & would be my choice - it should be about the giving not forced thank-yous) OR whether to stop sending presents - choose this option if you can't live not knowing the presents were received/appreciated.

Then stop stressing - you can't make her do what you want & you can't build a the same relationship for your children that you had with your cousins.

Leafmould · 17/12/2012 18:43

I just get so upset and angry that we make such an effort and ask only that she lets us know things have arrived.

You are putting a lot of effort into these gifts. More than you can afford given that the effort is not reciprocated?

Original poster

Roseformeplease · 17/12/2012 19:56

Gifts would not arrive as is overseas and a place where customs / post can be bad. Things get "lost" ie stolen and you don't know if they are there. Really can only use work email as she works part time from home - her phone is a mobile but have now got that number from someone else.

Have tried speaking before but get the servants / answering machine and then they don't call back.

Agree about the too much effort / time. I will just send a token next time and not bother about if it has arrived. I did put a note in with each parcel asking for confirmation of arrival and emailed.

Will now just leave it. Am actually really upset because her lack of reciprocal communication (by any means - she hasn't instigated contact in years) is really her just telling me to piss off. As the oldest, however, and with a weird and troubled family (not my bit but my siblings / parents.) I think I feel responsible for trying to keep everyone together.

I think I should probably just give up entirely.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2012 20:41

She probably does appreciate it without saying so or even noticing.

Older sisters are responsible. Younger ones can be children, in their minds, forever (mine, at 30, still hasn't quite worked out how to send Christmas presents, or cards). I don't think she realises that the me at 18 who got it together to give her presents was no older, really, than she was at 18 (just a lot more mature and independent which has its compensations).

Leafmould · 17/12/2012 21:14

Really sorry that you are upset by your relationship with your sister. It must be tough when maintaining communication is obviously important to you, and she doesn't reciprocate. I was more shocked by the fact that she doesn't bother to come and see you when she is in the uk, though, than the present thing.

Your friends are the family that you choose. I'm sure someone as thoughtful as you has lovely friends. Cherish them.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 21:20

I always send overseas by international signed for just to be sure it has less chance of going missing and I can track it online too then.

Original poster

Roseformeplease · 17/12/2012 21:27

Right, will try that next time. Didn't know you could do that squeaky. Thanks for your kind words. Have just spent the evening chatting and texting several friends who are, indeed, wonderful.

OP posts:

HisstletoeAndWhine · 17/12/2012 21:37

Sweety, why are you trying so hard to prove that she's not as bad as she appears to be.

She doesn't reply, retun calls, fends you off, moves without telling you.

Honey, she's being really clear, she's being openly contemptuous.

She 's shown you who she is, time and time and time again, yet you keep coming back for more. This has reached practically SELF-flagellation levels now.

If you insist on throwing money after bad, them buy gifts for kids only and post them to your parents home so she can pick them up there, or don't bother. She's noyt making any effort for you/yours...

Give it up.

HisstletoeAndWhine · 17/12/2012 21:39

Oh, and if one sends anything to Egypt, it won't get there. Even printed papers get stolen to be sold on to use as wrapping paper for shops.
I kid you Not.

Some places don't have postal services.

Leafmould · 17/12/2012 22:09

Jissletoe and wine, you have a point. I use DHL to send stuff to rellies in Africa. It is expensive, but unless the recipient has a P.O. box, it is the only way to get anything sent. There are no residential postal deliveries.

Rose for me. Good, I am glad you have been enjoying your friends. Take care. X

HildaOgden · 17/12/2012 22:41

How old are all the children?If they are all old enough to read/write,perhaps you could get your children to write directly to their cousins as pen pals?It would be a line of communication that needn't cause you any stress?

Original poster

Roseformeplease · 18/12/2012 11:51

Thanks so much, particularly Hissletoe (great name) as you have stiffened my spine. I think that is what I will do, Hilda, send presents / letters from my children to hers but not do anything more. You are right - she really doesn't give a shit any more. I think she used to but we live in different worlds (me - teacher in small comp, little rural village - her - high flying banker's wife with her own business and staff to run her house). She has probably just lost interest in my life and our small gifts (DVDS, books, board games) look pathetic next to the luxuries she can buy her children. She did tell me not to bother, as they would have plenty (this was in the e-mail 4 months after I still didn't know if birthday stuff had got there) but I had already posted it.

The children are 4 (twins) and 8.

She hasn't replied to a text sent yesterday. She would have had the whole of today (late afternoon / evening there now) to reply.

I think I should just withdraw from the relationship and save my sanity.

OP posts:

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