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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about sharing Xmas with ex even though its still happening?

30 replies

freemanbatch · 17/12/2012 12:13

So I'm not stopping him seeing the kids, he's having them on the 22nd, coming here for the morning on xmas day and he's having them 31st, 2nd and 3rd. He's at work between xmas and new year so me and the kids are going away to my parents like we normally do.

But he expects me to be happy about him having them and be grateful that I get some time off, this is the man who sexually assaulted me many times and made three very strong attempts to rape me before putting me through eight months of 'yes I'll leave' followed by 'No I've changed my mind' before he finally went having made me promise not to tell anyone and told me he wouldn't pay me a penny ever again if I did. I haven't worked for years because he wouldn't let me so I have a lot of rebuilding of my career to do before I could manage without any money from him so I haven't told anyone round here although my family know.

Is it unreasonable of me not to be grateful to him and really to much prefer the idea that my kids were here with me where I know they're safe?

(I am not stopping him seeing them so please don't accuse me of doing that, he is seeing them exactly when he has asked to have them.)

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 12:20

Regardless of the history, no parent should be grateful that the other one is having contact with their kids.

But I expect you know that and are just blowing off steam.

FelicityWasSanta · 17/12/2012 12:22

Is he safe to take care of the kids?

MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 12:24

That's bollocks worra if a man tried to rape me he'd not get ANY contact with my DC..Father or not.

LaCiccolina · 17/12/2012 12:26

Blimey ur generous. Not sure I'd give him contact.

Good luck with it. Have absolutely no idea what else to say. But no, not bu.

nannyl · 17/12/2012 12:27

I agree with MrsMushroom

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 12:29

Sorry Mushroom what part of my post was actually bollocks? Confused

Are you saying the OP should be grateful that her ex is seeing his kids?

millie30 · 17/12/2012 12:31

Do you mean that he is coming to your home on xmas morning? There is no reason you should let him into your house. If you want him to see his DCs then arrange a third party to do pick ups and drop offs in a safe public place. In no other situation would a woman be expected to have regular contact with their rapist, so why should it happen just because you have children with this man?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 17/12/2012 12:32

i think people are misinterpreting worra post.

she means 'why should OP be grateful to her Ex for seeing his own children!'

in other words, he isn't doing her a favour so there is nothing to be grateful for.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 17/12/2012 12:33

i wouldn't have him in the house either OP. can you change it so the dcs go to his house for the morning?

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 12:33

Exactly Santa thank you.

Lord knows it was a short enough post to read Grin

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/12/2012 12:34

I wouldnt let him in the house, in fact ide tell him come to my front door and ill report you for rape etc, he is still controlling you as I have read many times on this forum No is a complete sentence.

Jenny70 · 17/12/2012 12:43

Of course you are YANBU to be unhappy about it, he sounds a vile and controlling partner.

But it's not about how contact makes YOU feel, it's about the kids and how they feel. If contact with their dad makes them happy, then you need to put on the fake smile and pass them over - and punch the pillow once he's gone.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 17/12/2012 12:51

i dont know where the confusion came from either worra! Confused

MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 13:10

sorry worra I thought it said regardless of the history parents should be grateful the other is seeing the DC! Or words to that effect!

Either way OP....personally I wouldn't be comfortable with my DC having a sex offender in their lives.

Original poster
freemanbatch · 17/12/2012 14:53

Sorry for posting this and then running away, I realised as I hit post that I really wasn't in the right state of mind to have people telling me I was unreasonable so I was a bit afraid to read people's replies.

Currently he is staying at his parent so he is supervised most of the time when he's with the children and they don't stay there they come home every night so it they showed any signs of there being something wrong I hope I would pick up on it quickly but I don't know really.

I am not happy with the idea of him taking the kids away from me altogether at Christmas which is why he's coming here, the HV isn't altogether happy with that but then she thinks I should report him to the police as soon as I can manage without his money. The kids are so much happier now he doesn't live here but its hard to say if that's because of how I am or if its because he used to do things to them and they are so young that right now I have to work on the fact that they are happy to go with him. If they ever don't want to go I will never make them.

I'm trying to do what is best for them even though the fact is that I would not send my kids out for the day with someone I knew to be a rapist never mind someone who had tried to do it to me but unless I can get as far as a conviction for him I have no leg to stand on with keeping him away from the kids and even if convicted its likely he would still be allowed access to them which really goes against the parental instinct to protect your kids from bad people but he's their dad.

I will paste on a happy face because I will do all I can to make my children happy but its good to know some other people don't think I'm unreasonable for not being happy about it.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 17/12/2012 15:02

will there be someone else with you when he comes on xmas day?

if not then i dont think you should have him in your house.

just because it is xmas does not mean he will behave reasonably and he has past form of not.

you are taking a big risk having him visit in your house if you will be there alone you and dc. dont do it. why should you?

if you live in a city or town there will be places open you could go meet him inpublic with DC. or go to church ro something have him meet them there .

otherwise say no - do not have him inyour home without support.

take kids to visit him at his parents as usual.

do not have him round to yours unless you have another adult there with you.

how can you trust him ??

cestlavielife · 17/12/2012 15:03

and if he is convicted you would have a good case for strictly supervised contact using his parent sif you ahppy with that or neutral contact centre. what do his parents know of why he living with them?

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 15:05

No problem Mushroom, I had to read it twice myself to make sure I typed what I meant Grin

OP, it's a dreadful situation to be in. I don't think anyone in their right minds would think you're being unreasonable not to be happy about it Sad

Is there any way you can re-look at your finances and look into what benefits you're entitled to so you don't feel as though you're dependent upon him?

WorraLorraTurkey · 17/12/2012 15:06

And yes I agree, I don't think you should be alone with him in the house.

Is he likely to be drinking over Christmas?

Original poster
freemanbatch · 17/12/2012 15:15

I would be on my own with him but he's always been 'well behaved' in front of the kids so that's what I'm working on. He will only be here a couple of hours and my friend is coming round at the time he's supposed to leave so I will have someone here if he decides he's not going. I know its not perfect but it seems better than Christmas without them here. The split was only in August so its all very new to me and I know I'm probably being stupid about it but why should I miss a minute of Christmas with my kids because I kicked my abusive husband out?

There will be no drink, he really is coming for present opening and going again so he may drink later but not when he's here.

I'm almost at the point where all available benefits have kicked in so in the new year I'm going to look at my options and start to properly look at jobs as I have every intention of being free of any need for him by next Christmas in the hope I will feel less like I have to do things to keep the peace.

He told his parents he decided to leave but that is all I know, I do know that they have always been of the belief that I was lazy for not working and was taking him for his money so I'm sure I come out as the bad guy with them, not that it really matters what they think.

Thank for all the advice and the things to think about Smile

OP posts:
peaceandlovebunny · 17/12/2012 15:32

he's just doing his control thing.
decide what you want and be unavailable at other times.

SDeuchars · 17/12/2012 15:39

But he won't have a choice over whether to give you maintenance - CSA deals with that. If you have an informal contact agreement and no financial agreement, he can continue to jerk you around. I'd suggest seeing a lawyer asap (and reporting him to the police, if you can). How old are the DC?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 17/12/2012 18:27

oh OP Sad

you are being very strong for your dcs. you dont need to be you know, it's ok to have someone else be there throughout his visit so that you dont even have to see him. it's ok to reduce the time down to half an hour so he isn't sitting there bored and looking for ways to get at you. i couldn't have him there.

Original poster
freemanbatch · 17/12/2012 18:49

I have no one to be here when he's here the best I have is my friends who are popping in to make sure he's gone. My family are 100 miles away and I'm not invited to xmas day with them but am going there Boxing day so it is just the day itself that's the problem.

I know its all about control and I know that his amazing reasonableness with most things is to throw me off balance and the fact that he is paying me over the odds it to make me still feel dependent on him, it doesn't because right now my dad is banking half of what he gives me towards a deposit for a new house or a remortgage here once I'm earning properly so I'm not becoming dependent on the extra money in the way I think he hopes I am.

New year will be the start of me taking real control of this situation including possibly going to the police to report him if I can find someone to support me to do that, brushing things under the carpet seems to be my family's way right now but the GP and HV seem supportive so I might pluck up the courage without family support Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
freemanbatch · 17/12/2012 18:51

sorry the kids are 2 and 5 and a solicitor is on my list for the new year, its part of my life spring cleaning programme Smile

OP posts:
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