to think it's not on to leave granny and great-aunt out of extended family festivities?

[theancientmarinator]

I genuinely don't know and would appreciate other viewpoints. I have four siblings and we all have partners and kids. My DM and DA both suffer from dementia but the early stages of it - they don't know what day of the week it is but know who everyone in the family is. They live in a home 80 miles away. My DB and SIL live nearby and give a great deal of their time to the two old ladies - DB pops into the home at least weekly and he and SIL (who is delightful!) have them to lunch every Sunday. They are having them both over on Christmas day as well as SIL's parents and all their own kids. As a family we have never all got together on the 25th (my mum refused to be a MIL who kicked up a fuss about not spending Christmas Day with her married offspring and actually probably went too far in the opposite direction) but always get together (anything up to 25 of us) a few days later for a lunch and present swapping frenzy. We have done this since the late 70's. This year a decision has been made to leave the two old ladies out of this lunch because my SIL wants a break (she and DB would top and tail the day with an hour's drive each way with the old ladies in the back seat telling the same stories over and over and over...)

On the one hand I completely understand my SIL's viewpoint. On the other hand DM and DA are going to know there has been no family gathering and, even if they don't work out that they have been left out, I think they will be really sad to not see the whole family as usual. And I am not comfortable with hosting a family get-together from which my Mum has been excluded. Or of setting my son the example of treating slightly irksome older relatives this way after a lifetime of loving us all when we were young (and equally irksome!) I don't know what is more unreasonable - to just go along with this and exclude my DM from what might (but probably won't) be her last family gathering. Or to pull rank on the basis that it's at my house this year and insist my DM and DA are brought along too. Comments please!

I'm confused OP. When you have them fur coffee how do they get to your house?

'for' obviously!

You get on with DSIL and DB, so why not just speak to them?
Maybe if you were to pick up, drop off, and look after them on the day would that help. Or take them for Christmas Day itself.

It sounds like they do a huge amount already and its' understandable that they are a bit worn out and looking forward to some time together without the added responsibility.

The reason I ask is I'm wondering whether DB and SIL are fed up of driving your Mum and her sister to your house so you can 'do your bit'?

Has anyone actually asked your DM and DA what they would like to do?!

What did you decide to do OH?

What abut you taking your turn and having them then!

Tough situation and I can see your sister in law's point of view but I think YANBU, they should be invited for the sake of their feelings. As you say they have beenso central to the family for decades and it isn't fair to leave them out now because it's inconvenient.

Irritatingly, I think part of being an adult is realising that actually, Christmas isn't about having a break and enjoying yourself, it's about family politics, obligation and keeping as many people satisfied as possible. And yes, I think there is a heirarchy of importance in that - starting with the very old, then the very young; those in the middle, ie us, get to do all the compromising and make everything happen!

Well said Mac.

My dm was the one who looked after her APs mostly because she was by far and away the closest. She would go over 2-3 times a week, take them to family events, take them out for the day, rush over at night when there was a problem, make day to day decisions. Her siblings visited regularly-about once a fortnight, which was perfectly reasonable considering the distances they had to go.

If you're not the one who's close you don't understand what a drain it is being always the one on hand to deal with the big and the little problems in life.

I think the Op is being reasonable to say she doesn't want them to be left out.

But it is fair for the db and dsil to have some time out, so she should drive to fetch them, and do most of the looking after during the day. Then the db and dsil have time off, and she can take a turn at being the "carer".

wow- people are being extremely harsh on the OP who I feel has a tough situation on her hands balancing everyone's needs. It also sounds like people are reading a huge amount of 'backstory' into this post which doesn't actually exist- ie OP not doing her fair share of caring/ not wanting to do the work etc. I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to say that I think you sound like a v considerate person OP, in a tough spot. good luck working it out.