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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified of having a girl?

31 replies

AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 16/12/2012 18:14

I have on DS who was unplanned. When I found out I was pregnant I was secretly praying for a boy. I didn't tell anybody incase he was a girl, but when I had my scan I was so so relieved.

I now have a DP who I love a lot, and would love to add to our family and have his children one day. But I am hesitant because I am terrified of having a girl.

This is not because I don't like girls, I love them. Love the idea of having a daughter, a baby one and a grown up one! I'm just so scared I would fuck it all up.

I was a mess from the ages of I would say 10-20. I was off the rails, miserable, drinking and smoking and sleeping around. I hated myself. It obviously is still an issue within me but I have come very far since having DS.

My parents are still together, tried their best, didn't do anything awful I could put my finger on and say 'this is why I am like this' so how the fuck would I know what I needed to not do? We learn how to be parents from our own dont we? So I'm scared I lack the skills to raise a daughter to not be how I was. I would never want my daughter to go through what I did.

How do you avoid it? Is there anything you can actually do or was it just my parents bad luck?

Sorry for the swearing

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 16/12/2012 18:18

I also felt I didn't want a girl when I was pregnant with my 2nd DC (1st was a boy). In my case the reason was because I had an appalling relationship with my mum and felt that I didn't know how to bond with a girl.

2nd DC was a girl. And it turns out that a girl was what I really wanted. I have a great example of what not to do, so thus far we're bonding ok. And in some ways it's setting the past to rest (my mum always blamed me for our inability to bond). Of course we may well fall out when she hits teenage years, but at least I'll know I've given it my best shot.

Bakingtins · 16/12/2012 18:23

Why are you assuming that a girl would take after you (in terms of tempestous teen years) any more than a boy would? Both sexes will need loving and firm parenting, and you can learn the skills you need, you are not forced to follow the patterns set by your own parents. Maybe you need to talk to someone about your own issues and what led you to go off the rails - sounds like you don't really understand what role how you were parented played in the whole thing, and how much was due to your own issues.
Good for you for coming out the other side and being determined to be a good parent to your DS and any future DCs.

fatlazymummy · 16/12/2012 18:24

OP, why do you feel that this is an issue for a daughter but not for a son? You do realise that boys can just as easily be unhappy, go 'off the rails' and make bad choices, as girls can, don't you?
I think you need to think about why things went so wrong for you during these years. What do you feel your parents could have done to help you ?.What made you hate yourself?

foreverondiet · 16/12/2012 18:26

You and your DP are different to your parents and your DD (if you have one) will be different from you. Also you would be very self aware and take advice etc, so no reason to think you'd mess it up any more than messing up a son!

quoteunquote · 16/12/2012 18:26

I hate to add to your worries, but your adolescent problems happen to both genders,

You could find yourself in just the same position with sons,

for some reason you have fixated that the gender is the issue, it's not so don't worry any gender baby has every chance of turning out in any way.

give yourself a break what ever it was you went through you have come good, so you must be doing something right.

This Be the Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another?s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don?t have any kids yourself.

you will have lots of challenges what ever gender your children are, at least you will be aware of the signs of the ones you went through.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 16/12/2012 18:28

Sometimes teenagers go off the rails and it's nobody's fault.

Another way to look at it would be that if you had a daughter who had a tough time in her teens, you would really get what she was going through and be better able to help her through it.

You came through it OK, right? :)

McChristmasPants2012 · 16/12/2012 18:28

drinking and smoking and sleeping around

to me that don't seem to bad. I mean instead of sleeping around i used to take drugs and drive about with people who had no licences or legal documents.

a daughter will not necessary turn out like you.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 16/12/2012 18:30

quoteunquote - my Dad gave me a copy of that poem to put on my wall when I was a teenager. :o

Original poster
AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 16/12/2012 18:30

I do realise boys can go off the rails. Sorry I wasn't very clear but my main problem was sleeping around a LOT and being in awful situations with abusive men. And whether it's right or wrong, sleeping around doesn't seem to be a problem for men but is for women. I hope to bring my son up to have respect for women and himself, but the fact is that if he was to sleep around his friends would be patting him on the back, not spreading rumours and turning against up, he probably wouldn't end up hating himself for it.

While I hope he doesn't do it, and will try to ensure he doesn't, its not as much of a worry as if it was my daughter iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 16/12/2012 18:31

Turning against him*

OP posts:
LineRunner · 16/12/2012 18:31

My sister and I use our mum as a route map of how not to bring to our daughters. People can and do learn from the past. Smile

squeakytoy · 16/12/2012 18:32

I would say you are better qualified than most to raise a girl. You have experience of being in possibly dodgy situations and would be more than equipped to pick up on things that your parents possibly missed.

McChristmasPants2012 · 16/12/2012 18:33

see i don't think having a lot of sexual partners is bad.

you can teach you daughter about safe sex and respecting your body and waiting for that special person.

Original poster
AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 16/12/2012 18:37

McChristmas I'm sure in some situations it isn't, if the woman feels comfortable in herself, isn't endangering herself or making herself feel like shit.

But that wasn't my situation at all

OP posts:
McChristmasPants2012 · 16/12/2012 18:41

how did you feel you was endangering yourself.

MickeyTheShortOne · 16/12/2012 18:47

What Squeakytoy said! You would know the signs and you can teach your DD exactly what she shouldn't be doing. Or warn her about the dangers and teach her about respect for herself. I think you will be great : )

Original poster
AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 16/12/2012 18:53

McChristmas unprotected sex, being with abusive guys, guys I hardly or didn't know, extremely drunk and vulnerable, you name it tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 16/12/2012 18:53

And thank you very much squeaky and mickey

OP posts:
Slainte · 16/12/2012 18:54

Anne I kind of know what you mean as I was a bit wild as a teenager and took risks that I shouldn't have.

There's nothing in particular that I can say my parents did terribly but now that I have a DD I've been examining my upbringing a lot more.

One of the things I've realised is that I didn't feel complete unconditional love from my parents eventhough I knew they loved me so that's one thing I'm going to make sure my DD knows.

I think having a child (and in your case if you have a girl) makes you really think about your childhood and maybe facing up to those things which you wouldn't have wanted to think about before. So though you say your parents were good maybe there's one or two parts of your upbringing that you haven't faced up to yet - that sounds more judgemental than I mean it to, apologies for my bad wording but I hope you know what I mean.

You know how you want your son to grow up and I would say that applying those same principles to a future DD will serve you well.

Slainte · 16/12/2012 18:56

Also agree with what squeakytoy said - you will know the signs to watch out for that your parents didn't.

sneezecakesmum · 16/12/2012 18:58

Destructive behaviour is often a result of lack of self respect/low self esteem. Try to instil this in all your children no matter what gender. Maybe you could get some counselling to get to the bottom of your own behaviour when young. Fwiw. My DS was the teen from hell and DD little miss perfect! I think it's more the genetic makeup than the parenting sometimes as DD wasn't farmed out anywhere Grin. Wish I could have farmed out DS though!

HearMyRoar · 16/12/2012 18:58

When I was pregnant I felt pretty much the same as you for pretty similar reasons (though with the addition of quite a lot of drugs, in fact to be honest the sleeping around was the least of my problems). Though I knew logically boys could be just as bad as girls I still felt like I was far more likely to screw up parenting a girl then a boy. Of course I nows have 9 month dd and loved her to bits and wouldn't change her for anything.

What I realised was that, yes I did screwy stuff and would really far rather dd did absolutely none of the things I did as a teenager, but in the end I turned out OK and the chances are dd will too. Even if she has wobbles on the way.

squeakytoy · 16/12/2012 18:59

I was also a very off the rails teenager with loving but completely naive and clueless parents who I could run rings around. I also dwelled on it as I got older but then shook myself and realised that I could mentally beat myself up over it, or I could get on with my life and learn from the mistakes I made, because I couldnt turn the clock back.

Life is too short to waste it regretting the things you have done, it cant change things.

You will be a great mum to your son and to a daughter if you have one too. :)

Devora · 16/12/2012 19:10

So having a girl will bring up all kinds of repressed feelings and old memories that are still too painful to fully face. I do understand that. i had similar worries about having children full stop. In practice, I have found it healing (so far) and you may find the same with having a girl.

I think whenever we have a preference for a particular gender it is rooted in a whole lot of assumptions about what girls and boys bring, that are based purely on our projections and are nothing to do with the wealth of variation that individuals bring. (I say this with no sense of judgement - I have a very strong gender preference myself - and was so relieved what I finally realised that I didn't have to worry about it, it didn't matter, because of course you get no choice.)

But I do think, whether you have a girl or a boy, that you should seek some help to deal with these painful feelings. I had a similarly bad adolescence, and it took a very long time for the feelings of trauma to fade. I wish now I had taken active steps to heal myself earlier.

McChristmasPants2012 · 16/12/2012 19:17

you will do fine, you know where you went wrong and how to parent away from that.