To want Christmas on our own without in laws?

[MummytoMog]

I'm being a cow, I know. We've spent every single christmas since we were together, so all thirteen of them) with my OH's parents. They're lovely, and they make a massive effort for Christmas and never mind if my family comes over on Boxing day. Since I had the DCs (and before to be honest) I've really started hating Christmas - I'm away from my house, I end up eating food I hate (I don't like fruit, nuts or fish which limits me in their house), we always do everything like eating and present opening to their timetable, they insist on feeding the kids stupid messy food, and then I have to clean them up, we're barely allowed to watch TV, everyone gets plastered, so I have to stay sober for the kids. Etc etc etc. whine whine whine. Anyway, last year we went because they were supposed to be moving and it would be our last chance. I was so angry by lunchtime (when we did not eat of course, because Christmas involves starving all fucking day and then eating a massive meal at 4pm) that I was practically in tears. In January I had a very forceful conversation with OH about staying home for Christmas, and he agreed. Come November, he was gently reminded of this and threw a complete strop. So somehow, Christmas on our own has turned into Christmas with his fecking parents staying here, even though we are all going to his brother's house on boxing day. This means that DD is going to have to sleep in with her brother in his tiny toddler bed, I'm going to have to buy hundreds of pounds worth of food and spend all of my time cleaning for the two days before they get here. And then no doubt have to still do everything to their fecking timetable all day.

I had basically resigned myself to this when bloody OH pipes up with 'and shall we spend New Year there at my parents?'. Er no. He's being serious as well. He can't think of any reason why I wouldn't want to spend several days staying with his parents. It's not that I don't like them, I just don't want to spend most of my christmas holiday with them.

Oh well. He'll be sorry when he realises that there's no way he's getting a shag with his parents in the next room.

Just buy what your family like. Don't be buying huge joints for every meal if that's not what you normally buy.

Next year they may not want to come.

Ah. It's a bit late now to put your foot down - but do they have to stay four days? How far away do they live? What's wrong with arriving Christmas eve and leaving Boxing Day?

Put your foot down very firmly for next year. And don't go all out on stuff they like and you don't - they didn't cater for you at their house, so just buy what you like. If they want fruit, nuts and fish they'll have to bring it with.

Sorry, but having read this out to my DH he reckons the problem is your DH not PiL - he does sound like more than a little bit of a mummy's boy who has not really grown up.

My DH would rather poke himself in the eye than keep going back to mummy's for Christmas.

4 days? It's winter - so give them some stew (which you can prepare and freeze in advance), a couple of roast chickens on another night, and something like a stir fry on another night, with lots of noodles and veg in it, and obviously the traditional turkey and ham on Christmas day. If you can gag down fish, they can go without a mahoosive joint of meat.

Buy a certain amount of wine, then ask them to bring some extra with them. If you run out, send them to the nearest off licence to get more. (In the morning BEFORE they get pissed!)

Stop trying to compete with their Christmas, as you can't compete financially, don't even try.

Oh and I agree that you do sound kinda martyrish. Why on earth have you continually 'gagged' down food that you don't like? (Although how you can hate all fruit is beyond me, but hey ho). If you don't like something DON'T EAT IT. If you gag it down they will buy it again, and again, and again.......

Norovirus is very tempting...

I think DH basically likes sitting around doing feck all and eating his mum's food. His brother hasn't gone the last couple of years, but that was definitely part of it, they used to get plastered until the early hours basically every time we went there. Which is fun, until you have to get up at eight with the kids.

If he tries to insist we go there for new years, he's going on his own with the kids and I am going out with my mates and getting slaughtered.

Yanbu at all.

What about seeing your own family? Where do they come into it?

Your dh is being selfish.

It's your house and should be your rules. But I know I find it very difficult to say anything to mil or she will sulk. My mum passed away in August and as I'm an only child snd DH is one of 3 we always went to mum's. This year we decided to stay home and have a quiet pj day and just the 3 of us. MIL is a crap cook and my mum was excellent. PIL have invited selves over xmas morning and I'm seething as she'll be watchinh me cook 1st xmas dinner andthey have pj issues. You have to dress cimpletely. I know itll stress me out on a day I am going to find really hard without mum.

Any possibility you could decamp elsewhere with the DC and leave him to host his parents? Cleaning, shopping, cooking, clearing up for four days?

I'm surprised that I sound martyrish, because I'm sure they all think I'm an awkward cow who doesn't like anything.

I like apples and bananas and peaches. But it's easier to say all fruit. I also like tuna, but easier to say all fish. I like hazel nuts and walnuts but easier to say all nuts. And coriander tastes like soap .

OH thinks I'm rude because I don't automatically go along with every single suggestion his parents make and merrily snuffle down prunes when they're presented to me. I drew the line there. I dread to think what he'd say if I tried to refuse everything I don't like. Once, he took me outside and gave me a stern telling off because I told his shit of a brother to stop being rude. Wanker. He's improved since then, or I'd have cut his balls off.

Your dh took you outside because you were rude to his brother? oh my fucking god....

Actually thought you were maybe my sil there as your bil and mine sound like the same pair of twats!

Mum's house is a bit mad - until April my dad was alive, pretty disabled and mum has to work full time and look after him and that hasn't left much time for cleaning up, repairing broken stuff etc. Not really safe for the kids, and there's nowhere for us to stay, and I know mum couldn't afford to feed anyone extra, and would refuse food or a contribution. And I can't quite face going back there without dad iykwim.

BiL has a six month old, and they do have them stay quite a bit anyway, and they have invited us all over for boxing day.

So basically, I should plan menus, do a shopping list, order it online (if possible) and make lazy ass husband do some cleaning? And then decide when I want to do everything, write it on a big sheet and make my husband eat it...

I can do that.

he does sound like more than a little bit of a mummy's boy who has not really grown up.

I agree. It's too late to say no now but I agree with others who have posted you ABSOLUTELY MUST do Xmas YOUR way. You are the hosts and you do not need to pander to them. Your schedule, your menu, your trashy telly, your booze (although you can't really stop them bringing their own) and your reasonably priced snacks!

ROFL at 'diplomatic norovirus'

When I say martyr ish. I mea. You purposely put yourself in this situation of no food and being somewhere you hate being.

It actually sounds like your husband is the one you have an issue with.

Your dh and mine sound bloody similiar too-selfish mummy boys!

I had mil dropping hints today about us going down on boxing day but I just ignored it. She has seen us every weekend for the last 17 years ffs!

Honestly you really need to lay it on the line for your dh now....

Agree with NamingOfParts, sorry but the problem is your DH!

1. He can't contemplate spending Christmas without his parents to the extent where you have never spent it with your family or having a family Christmas of your own.
2. He can't clean properly
3. He doesn't do childcare at your PILs

Can he cook and at least take that off your hands? I bet I can guess the answer...

Oh no, the deal with us being at home was that I would cook. Of course, I was only planning on cooking for two adults and two toddlers at the time...

No, don't meal plan and order the food. Tell your DH that it's fine for his parents to come for 400 days but Christmas is up to him.

Well, I guess you should just do things your own way then. Let DH do the clean at least and if it's not perfect, don't worry - he invited guests, it's his responsibility if it's not up to scratch.

Don't buy special food or loads of booze for them just because they expect it. Buy what you would normally eat and drink. If you run out of booze in 4 days and they want more, they can always nip to the offy. Watch TV when you want, eat when you and the kids want. If you're really lucky, they might get huffy with things not being done their way and go home early!

How do you envisage Xmas ? What would you like to do? You and dh haven't had the chance to build your own Xmas traditions.

Don't supply whatever they want - instead of roasts every night- go out one night for a meal, Xmas eve have a buffet and Xmas day lunch when you would like it and presents when you see fit. Limit the boozing - Maybe go out for an Xmas walk after lunch then back for coffee and cake and an Xmas film and do a light supper. Do the old turkey sandwiches on boxing day and see if there are any kids events going on - again limits booze intake. Suggest dh and you take it in turns to drink.

Could your mum come over too?

However you have dreamt of Christmas make that your plan. Be strong with dh - or really lay it on how important it is he helps you have the Christmas of your dreams since he has his parents coming.

Good luck.
If they do anything you don't like, or make you feel bad in your own home, tell your DH that he must ask them to stop. If he doesn't, you will have no hesitation in telling them to leave and he will have to deal with the fallout. I would threaten this hourly so that you get some peace on Christmas. If he whines at all, pick up the phone and say you are phoning MIL and FIL to tearfully rescind their invite as DH will not even fix the toilet and you can't cope with the additional work.
The above is BU, but 13 years of a miserable Christmas? I'd do anything to have a happy Christmas if I'd had to suffer that.

You have made me feel better though, my PIL's have invited themselves for Christmas, insisted we cook for them by sending us money for food when we usually have takeaway, insisted in turning up at 6 am to see the DC open presents, and ignored the fact that I'm just out of hospital and barely coping. But at least DH dislikes this as much as me, and they are not coming up next year!
Thirteen years

well if you are cooking, then he spends next weekend cleaning and getting the house ready (making up beds etc).

Decide what you would have eaten every night anyway and say with a big smile on your face "oh, I like to do simple food other than Christmas day, there's not point being a martyr in the kitchen and not actually enjoying yourself is there?"

Discuss with your DH that you expect him to various things on Christmas day, like, he gets drinks for everyone, he lays the table, he clears up the wrapping paper etc because you will be cooking as agreed and therefore hosting his parents is down to him - if he doesn't want to do all that work at christmas then he joins in with the "this is the house of sick" lie.

Oh, and throw into conversation with your MIL that you might be inviting your mother next year as "now she's on her own it might be nice to spend christmas with her next year." (you could invite her to you if her house isn't fit for DCs, you could present this to your PIL as "my mum's turn" then if she declines your invite, you can say it was at the last minute and you didn't want to make alternative plans)

BTW- where is your mum going on Christmas? She's not on her own is she?

We if he's changed the terms of the deal SO CAN YOU! His parents for FOURDAYS was never part of the deal he can muck in and help of they can all sod off!

If Christmas happens in your house then YOU DO IT YOUR WAY! End of.